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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming with DP over his behaviour

130 replies

phasernon · 08/12/2013 15:28

I’ve namechanged for this because it discusses a family members health.

Me and DP went over to my mums for dinner last night, we got on to talking about the pension age and my brother who is 16 said that he doubts he will have a pension at all by the time he gets old. DP then said that its no problem for him as he’ll have been put in his wooden box long before retirement age and that he is more likely to be worried about his funeral plan rather than his pension plan. About a year ago my brother was diagnosed as having a heart defect and he does have a high risk of having a heart attack so he is going to need to be careful for the rest of his life.

I am absolutely furious about this and so is my sister who was also there to the extent where she has uninvited him from Xmas this morning. DP doesn’t seem to see the issue, he says that he was just having some banter with him and that we can’t protect him from reality. I feel that it was a terrible thing to say and I am really angry at both the comment and his subsequent behaviour.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 08/12/2013 15:30

I think your dh was incredibly rude and insensitive! Ouch!

He needs to apologise and grovel. Awful thing for him to say.

Jengnr · 08/12/2013 15:31

He's a fucking wanker. Horrible thing to say.

BohemianGirl · 08/12/2013 15:31

Well, yours is anaextreme case i suppose - but as the retirement age for this crop of school leavers has been set at 77 (or is it 78?) I dare say there will be a large tranche of them who wont see retirement.

I have to say I agree with you DH. Banter is between the people concerned - is your Bro upset? If not, you and your sister should wind your necks in and stop being professionally offended.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 08/12/2013 15:31

That isn't banter, banter is piss taking that is funny and reciprocated. That comment was uncalled for, insensitive and downright idiotic. He needs to be grovelling on his knees to your brother and hope he can be forgiven.

I hope you are going to your sisters at christmas and leaving his on his own.

Bowlersarm · 08/12/2013 15:32

Was he talking about himself being in a wooden box, or your brother?

OHforDUCKSchristmascake · 08/12/2013 15:33

What a fucking disgusting human being.

Id finish with him instantly.

How long have you been together?

zeno · 08/12/2013 15:33

How did your brother react? Have you asked him how he feels about the comments?

Dawndonnaagain · 08/12/2013 15:35

If not, you and your sister should wind your necks in and stop being professionally offended.
Erm, they are the sisters of a young man who is at high risk of a heart attack. Wind your own fucking neck in and look for some empathy whilst you're there!

OP do tell your dh he was completely out of order.

MikeLitoris · 08/12/2013 15:35

How did your brother take it?

Liquoricelips · 08/12/2013 15:36

How did your brother react? Surely he's the one that matters most here.

BohemianGirl · 08/12/2013 15:36

No I wont - DCs friend knows he wont make old bones - he's always known this, that his life expectancy is mid 20's. Doesnt stop his friends and himself acknowledging it. He'd be bloody insulted if a load of old biddies started being offended on his behalf.

xCupidStuntx · 08/12/2013 15:37

Oh my God, I couldn't be with someone so vile!!

weebarra · 08/12/2013 15:37

I would not be impressed. I have a DS with a heart defect and I'n very well aware that although he's in good health atcthe moment, his life expectancy is less than the average. What did your DB say about it?

AgentProvocateur · 08/12/2013 15:38

Your post doesn't make it clear if your DH said that he (your DH) wouldn't make it to pension age, in which case it was banter, or if he meant your brother wouldn't make it, in which case it is insensitive.

weebarra · 08/12/2013 15:40

Bohemian - yes but that's your DC's friend, who presumably has had time to come to terms with a life limiting diagnosis, rather than someone for whom this is a recent thing.

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 15:43

It was definately directed towards my brother. My brother barely spoke again in the hour or so after whilst we were there.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 08/12/2013 15:44

Another who is not clear. Was your DP referring to himself (banter) ir to your brother (horrid)

Finola1step · 08/12/2013 15:45

Sorry x post. Wow! I actually don't know what to say. Your poor brother.

Monetbyhimself · 08/12/2013 15:46

What an absolutely vile thing to say. If he doesn't realise that and apologise pretty damn soon what will you do ?

OnDasherrorOnDancerror · 08/12/2013 15:49

Even if he was making banter about himself (which he wasn't) it would still be very insensitive to talk about this in front of the DB and his sisters who are all affected by this news. I'd be having serious words with your DP. There's 'not protecting someone from reality', and 'rubbing someone's nose in a big steaming heap of reality', the latter of which your partner did.

kitsmummy · 08/12/2013 15:49

That is one of the words things I have heard in a long time, your poor brother Shock

EirikurNoromaour · 08/12/2013 15:55

He's a 16 year old boy. Do you really think it was funny banter to joke about him being dead before 70? What the fuck? And my DBro has a friend with a life limiting condition. He might joke and laugh about it but whenever he has a drink he brings it up and you can see his sadness and fear. Assuming anyone in that situation should just be fair game for a laugh about it is vile.

basgetti · 08/12/2013 15:57

I hate people who try to get away with being vile by claiming it's just a bit of 'banter'. Your 'D'P is a shit.

kitsmummy · 08/12/2013 15:59

Obviously I meant worst, not words!

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 16:00

EirikurNoromaour No I don't think it was funny at all and I'm very cross about it.

OP posts:
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