Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fuming with DP over his behaviour

130 replies

phasernon · 08/12/2013 15:28

I’ve namechanged for this because it discusses a family members health.

Me and DP went over to my mums for dinner last night, we got on to talking about the pension age and my brother who is 16 said that he doubts he will have a pension at all by the time he gets old. DP then said that its no problem for him as he’ll have been put in his wooden box long before retirement age and that he is more likely to be worried about his funeral plan rather than his pension plan. About a year ago my brother was diagnosed as having a heart defect and he does have a high risk of having a heart attack so he is going to need to be careful for the rest of his life.

I am absolutely furious about this and so is my sister who was also there to the extent where she has uninvited him from Xmas this morning. DP doesn’t seem to see the issue, he says that he was just having some banter with him and that we can’t protect him from reality. I feel that it was a terrible thing to say and I am really angry at both the comment and his subsequent behaviour.

OP posts:
crikeybill · 08/12/2013 16:03

Please confirm wether he was referring to your brother being dead or himself.???

crikeybill · 08/12/2013 16:05

X post sorry.

Ah it was aimed towards your brother then yes that was a bit wanky.

16 is as bit young for that sort of " banter ".

EllaFitzgerald · 08/12/2013 16:13

It's only banter if both people involved appreciate the joke. I'd think a 16 yr old would be far too young to say something like that to and if he went quiet afterwards, then it obviously upset him.

It's not your DP's job to decide what constitutes 'protecting him from reality' and what he said was just plain cruel. He's been an unkind, arrogant prat and I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with him either.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/12/2013 16:20

Bohemian are you trying to be a goading arse on purpose this afternoon?

OP, it was an awful thing he said, I have a 16 year old ds and I'd imagine he'd be extremely hurt and upset if such a thing was said to him, your poor db. What a life changing situation it must be for him.

Your H is a twat and needs to apologise for that.

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 16:34

I've just tried to talk to him about it again but he is still unremorseful and says that he only meant in good fun and that we are being oversensitive.

OP posts:
YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/12/2013 16:36

Will your sister stand firm about Christmas and him not being welcome, what will you do if this remains the case?

Your H should apologise profusely to your db to keep the peace otherwise this may snowball into a family rift.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 16:37

Is he always such a dick ?

weebarra · 08/12/2013 16:37

phaser - you are not being oversensitive. Your DB is very young and facing an uncertain future. Not the sort of thing to banter about.

Bowlersarm · 08/12/2013 16:38

Are you sure he meant it about your brother?

If he was referring to himself, as far as I'm concerned, that is fine.

If he was talking about your brother dying early, whilst he was there as well, then that's not at all fine.

tinmug · 08/12/2013 16:40

But if your brother was talking about what will happen when he reaches 70 then he clearly isn't thinking that he's going to die before then. So it's really not appropriate for your DH to be "joking" about him dying, in my opinion.

MadAsFish · 08/12/2013 16:42

He's being a fuckwit, and an insensitive fuckwit as well. This whole 'can't you take a joke?/being too sensitive' bullshit is just cover for being a bully.
What an amazingly arsehole-like thing to say.

Helpyourself · 08/12/2013 16:43

Tell your DH that he massively misjudged and to apologise abjectly to your brother and then call/ write/ text your mum and sister to say the same.
If he doesn't get it, explain his intentions are irrelevant, we all drop clangers sometimes, but in this case he got it wrong and needs to swallow his pride and clear the air ASAP.

Topseyt · 08/12/2013 16:44

What an incredibly crass and insensitive thing for him to say to your brother!! I'd be furious too.

Is he always this much of an arse?

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 16:45

YouStayClassySanDiego- She is quite likely to as she is quite a determined character and she was protective of him prior to us finding out and is now doubly so. I feel like going without him to be honest.

OP posts:
YourHandInMyHand · 08/12/2013 16:49

What a twat!! Poor lad is 16 and has just discovered he has this health problem and there is your bloke talking about him being in a coffin and needing to worry about his funeral plan - fucking hell!!! Shock

I would be so disgusted and embarrassed in your shoes OP.

Topseyt · 08/12/2013 16:50

I'd go without him if he refuses to apologise.

He says you can't protect your brother from reality. True, but there is no need to rub his (your brother's) and everyone else's nose in it by being such a twat.

I hope he climbs down from his high horse and eats dirt soon.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 08/12/2013 16:51

YANBU Your 'D'P is being an insensitive, nasty wanker.

DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2013 16:51

Do you have DCs with your DP? If not, then definately go anyway and let him make his own Christmas morning plans. I'd be thinking if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was cruel to a child (which your DB still is) and once it was clear everyone else wasn't taking it as a joke, didn't think that he should apologise.

redexpat · 08/12/2013 16:52

Well even if he did mean it in good fun, it wasn't taken that way, and he needs to apologise. Is he usually this thoughtless?

48th · 08/12/2013 16:54

Yeah just horrid,he bullied a 16 year old who is still coming to terms with a serious medical condition and who clearly didn't want to consider his mortality round the table with everyone.

If your brother wished to banter on this issue it would probably be with peers who would follow his lead, your dp was cruel.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 08/12/2013 16:57

He may have only meant it as banter but the fact he's not bothered by how much he has upset you, your sister and your brother is quite worrying.

Does he ever apologise when he's in the wrong out of curiosity?

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 16:59

redexpat- He does often say things that upset some people but this is the worst by far.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 08/12/2013 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Longtalljosie · 08/12/2013 17:04

When you say DP what do you mean? Is there any pressing reason why you can't LTB immediately? Is he more important than your brother? I would argue not, in his instance. This is a choosing moment. Choose your family.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 08/12/2013 17:05

Is he one of those people who says:

I'm just telling it as it is.
I'm just being honest.
It was just a joke, come on.
It's banter, where's your sense of humour.

Yeah, I've met a couple of those Hmm