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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be fuming with DP over his behaviour

130 replies

phasernon · 08/12/2013 15:28

I’ve namechanged for this because it discusses a family members health.

Me and DP went over to my mums for dinner last night, we got on to talking about the pension age and my brother who is 16 said that he doubts he will have a pension at all by the time he gets old. DP then said that its no problem for him as he’ll have been put in his wooden box long before retirement age and that he is more likely to be worried about his funeral plan rather than his pension plan. About a year ago my brother was diagnosed as having a heart defect and he does have a high risk of having a heart attack so he is going to need to be careful for the rest of his life.

I am absolutely furious about this and so is my sister who was also there to the extent where she has uninvited him from Xmas this morning. DP doesn’t seem to see the issue, he says that he was just having some banter with him and that we can’t protect him from reality. I feel that it was a terrible thing to say and I am really angry at both the comment and his subsequent behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 17:07

Longtalljosie- We've been together 18 months and lived together for the last 7. I don't want to leave him, I want him to take responsibility for what he said and to apoligise rather than cause me a problem with my family.

OP posts:
TheVermiciousGrinch · 08/12/2013 17:08

What a nasty thing to say.

Tell him that as you think it's best not to protect him from reality, you would like to tell him that he is a mahoosive insensitive twat.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 08/12/2013 17:11

18 months isn't that long not sure I'd want to invest anymore time on him tbh.

This could potentially be very damaging to your family relationships is he worth it?

georgedawes · 08/12/2013 17:13

He sounds horrible. You're in the early stages of your relationship and he is already being a dick. Why would you put up with that? Your poor brother,he is still a child!

mouldyironingboard · 08/12/2013 17:15

My DH has a heart condition and I would be absolutely furious if someone made a similar comment to him.

What your DP needs to understand is that his 'joke' was offensive whether that was the intention or not and has upset your sister. If he really cares about you he will do the right thing and apologise. It will say a great deal about him if he won't (that he's an insensitive idiot who isn't decent enough to say sorry for saying the wrong thing)

Trigglesx · 08/12/2013 17:16

You're in the early stages of your relationship and he is already being a dick. Why would you put up with that?

This. Exactly. The relationship is still pretty new IMO. What in god's name will he be saying when he's more "comfortable" in the relationship? Hmm

HavantGuard · 08/12/2013 17:17

'He does often say things that upset some people but this is the worst by far'

So people get upset because of things he says and his attitude is they're, what, being over sensitive? The common denominator is him. I don't know if I would want to invest time and energy in someone who upsets my friends and family and then blames them for getting upset. If you stay with him and he doesn't change his behaviour I doubt this will be the last time you find him/both of you uninvited.

As someone said earlier, 'banter' is a two way street. Maybe you need to point out to him that if the other person isn't laughing it's not 'banter' it's insulting, obnoxious behaviour.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 08/12/2013 17:20

he's not for keeps, this prick, is he ?

DTF

FobblyWoof · 08/12/2013 17:24

My brother has a very rare condition and it's unclear whether his life expectancy will be hampered by it (but most likely). His condition has a lot of symptoms, all of them pretty hard going. He can take jokes about some of them and is generally good natured when it comes these things and doesn't want to take it so seriously (things like his eye sight and potential kidney problems to name a couple). But I know that in my brother's case it would be overstepping the mark to bring up the life expectancy thing as a joke.

It's a very individual thing. What one person will take in their stride (and relish as a form of comic relief) others will be offended over.

Given that this is a recent diagnosis it's beyond insensitive to start joking about it. Full stop. BUT, if you're going to make jokes like that you have to know you're treading a fine line and be prepared to apologise if you overstep the mark. Simple as. It is hard to gauge the tone from reading it secondhand but what your dp said was just plain rude and nasty. There didn't seem to be much of a joke element in it at all.

Some people are very good at sticking their foot in it but it's his refusal to accept fault, acknowledge that he's upset someone and apologise that really gets me here. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that

EirikurNoromaour · 08/12/2013 17:25

He is who he is! You think you can change his fundamental personality? Good luck with that!
Honestly OP DTMFA

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 08/12/2013 17:28

OP have you posted about him making insensitive comments before?

MoominMammasHandbag · 08/12/2013 17:33

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was insensitive to others' feelings to the point of cruelty. I cannot imagine how he could possibly have enough redeeming features.

Stick with him OP and there's a very good chance you will end up losing your family.

Original poster
phasernon · 08/12/2013 17:46

DejaVuAllOverAgain- No I haven't posted about him before

OP posts:
Badvocatyuletide · 08/12/2013 17:52

"Banter" often = offensive twatish behaviour IMHO.
Your dp sounds a real charmer.

georgedawes · 08/12/2013 17:53

Why are you with him? Serious question.

EvenBetter · 08/12/2013 17:56

See OP you're probably thinking 'leaving him is a bit harsh' but a genuinely decent person would not make 'jokes' about a child's serious health problems, and future death. This early stage of your relationship is meant to e the best time, as good as it gets. If you're ok with that, and with being with the type of person who deems that kind of behaviour as completely acceptable, continue on your merry way, but don't hold out much hope of anyone else in your life tolerating that.

Branleuse · 08/12/2013 17:58

your dp is a cunt

Lavenderhoney · 08/12/2013 18:05

He has to apologise or he won't be able to go at Christmas. Or any other time really.

He doesn't care he has upset your family, and caused a 16 yr old boy extra misery and to wonder if this man will always be ready with a snide comment in future. Your home is supposed to be safe and free from this kind of thing, and if your dp can't or won't see that, he is a fool.

Its not banter. He's not down the pub with adults who can avoid him in future, as they would. Thoughtless and unrepentant. It will only get worse. Does he talk to you like that and pass it off as " banter"?

Also, I think you should apologise to your brother for bringing your dp round, and not telling him there and then not to talk like that.

stickysausages · 08/12/2013 18:06

Horrible thing to say, that is obviously the kind of thing he thinks is funny... which would make me think he's a horrible person. Not someone I'd want to make a life with. Drastic, but I would hate to one of those wives who has to apologise after the event for yet another faux pas their husband has made the night before.

garlicbaubles · 08/12/2013 18:11

Wow. "Banter" and "Oversensitive", the two pillars of bullying Angry

OP, your boyfriend is a cunt.
I demoted him from a twat when I read that you want him to retract, and he won't.

For the hard of thinking on your thread, it would be 'banter' if your brother said this about himself. Somebody else saying it is just a vicious bully.

Preciousbane · 08/12/2013 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 08/12/2013 18:38

Must have been someone else then, I just vaguely remember a similar thread and was wondering :)

DontmindifIdo · 08/12/2013 18:51

OP - I'm sure you think the LTB responses are a little OTT, but this has in a round about way reminded me of another thread about a year or so ago. The OP was complaining that too many people saidLTB but while a certain behaviour might not be great, it's not easy to just walk away when you have dcs, property, shared lives for decades. It turned into a thread about different levels of twattishness accepting, and that many woman thought the others who had ended up with a bloke who wasn't a twat were "lucky".

But then a far wiser mner pointed out it was rarely luck, that whole the big cases of twattishness were always LTB responses, usually when probed, woman with these blokes could point out lots of low level twattish behaviour that they'd overlooked but that others would not have done. That the woman with decent blokes weren't just "lucky", they wouldn't have given the twattish blokes a second/third date. They wouldn't have dated long enough to live with them, have dcs and make themselves tied to twattish blokes.

Many of the low level things wouldn't be LTB territory for most woman, but low level crap behaviour always gets worse as time goes on, as you are seeing- your DP has history of offensive "banter", this has gone from offended adults who's feelings are all that important to you, to offending a child who's feelings do matter to you.

It's already harder to end this relationship because you chose to live with a man who chooses to offend people and refuses to apologise for it. Do not allow yourself to become more entwined with him (by buying property, getting married, having DCs) without doing so with the full knowledge his behaviour will get worse, not better. It will be you sooner or later that he turns his banter on.

xCupidStuntx · 08/12/2013 18:58

You're only together 18 months??? Oh my God I presumed you were married for years and he was on excellent terms with your brother. Not that that would excuse him for one second.

You'd be MAD to stay with such an absolute prick.

MoominMammasHandbag · 08/12/2013 19:32

That is such a good post Don't mind if I do.
Sad thing is, women who tolerate this kind of thing end up looking a bit weak and desperate. They lose everyone's respect really.

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