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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About what my boss said?

122 replies

bouncingbelle · 03/10/2013 22:42

Came back to work on Monday following surgery. Today my boss asks to speak to me to say "she was very disappointed that I appeared to 'disengage' with my work once I had an operation date."

I got a date for my operation on a Thursday morning. On the Thursday afternoon I ended up in hospital miscarrying my (fertility treatment so even more special) baby. I was off work for three working days whilst miscarrying. I was only at work for four and a half days (including a half day I came in on a day I don't normally work to help boss out) before going off for surgery.

AIBU to be furious and upset at her comment?? I got all the work done I needed to do on those 4 days. How can she seriously expect me being 'disengaged' on the four days between a miscarriage and major surgery to be worthy of raising with me now??! What is the point??? It was 6 weeks ago! I'm over the surgery and back at work (a week earlier than expected) and most definately engaged. But I'm raging at her!!!!

Should I say something to her?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 22:45

Sorry about the miscarriage op. You had every right to be disengaged around this time anyway. I would actually report her comment to your hr. Assuming that she knew what the op was all about, that was really out of line.

picniclady · 03/10/2013 22:47

Yanbu, so sorry about your miscarriage x

Stealmysunshine · 03/10/2013 22:47

YANBU

So sorry for your loss.

That's really heartless of her to bring this up, especially after so long. Was she aware of your MC?

If you are ready to talk about how you were feeling I would bring it up with her. You made the effort to be at work at an awful time and she should be sympathetic to what you went through.

Purplefrogshoe · 03/10/2013 22:50

Yanbu! so sorry about your mc, did she know about your mc? I have recently had mc and my hr are bending over backwards to help me, I would defo say something

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 03/10/2013 22:53

Yes, I should add that she was very much aware of my miscarriage.

I really do want to take this further because I just can't fathom what the point of this comment was, apart from to have a dig at me??

OP posts:
Purplefrogshoe · 03/10/2013 22:55

I would, she sounds awful

CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 22:56

Yes seems like she was trying to have a dig at you. Why would she let so much time pass and bring it up now. Report it to hr. At least if she tries other nasty stuff they have a record of what's going on. And she will get the message that this won't be tolerated.

Musicaltheatremum · 03/10/2013 22:58

An ex colleague of mine(male) moaned as another colleague was off having had a miscarriage. She was off for 2 days. "after all it's only like a heavy period"

rockybalBOOOOa · 03/10/2013 23:01

Oh you poor thing. So sorry about the mc Thanks Your boss was being a total and absolute bitch and her comment was completely uncalled for. Do you work for the sort of organisation that has an HR department as I think you do need to bring it to their attention.

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 03/10/2013 23:05

Thanks for making me feel I AM right to be so annoyed about this. I work for a local authority so we do have an hr dept. she's not in tomorrow so I think I,ll ask to speak to someone about it.

OP posts:
echt · 03/10/2013 23:40

So very sorry to read of your mc bouncingbelle

Saying "disengaged" manages to damage you, while committing her to nothing. Write to her: 1. Confirming that she said what she said, i.e. Dear Bitch, in our conversation of XXX, you made the following remarks about my work..... 2. Asking her to say in writing how this disengagement was manifested.

Do not copy it to HR at this stage.

She will shit herself.

echt · 03/10/2013 23:45

Sorry to see she doesn't work on a Friday, but you never know, she might check her emails while at home. It's worth taking a punt, and sending the email to her, she reads it, and it ruins her weekend.:o

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 04/10/2013 19:30

Thanks for giving me the confidence to approach hr. the woman I spoke to today was lovely, she,s had 5 miscarriages herself and shared my confusion as o why my boss wld even think to comment on my work over those 4 days!! She's going to speak to her first thing Monday morning. X

OP posts:
eurochick · 04/10/2013 19:32

What a cow bag. I'm glad HR have been supportive.

phantomnamechanger · 04/10/2013 19:36

wow. just wow, how can someone be so insensitive.

You did more than many would have felt up to, and this is the thanks you get for your loyalty.

glad HR are looking into it

ZenNudist · 04/10/2013 19:52

I'd approach it from the angle of trying to clear your name rather than wanting to get your bitch boss in trouble. Why should 'disengaged' stand as the verdict on your latest performance? You aren't asking for much more than a bit of compassion or empathy. Jeez. You might also want to query the implications of what you perceive as a vague but disciplinary comment (indicating you need to pull your socks up). It's easy to get a reputation as a shirker, and given your latest health issues I'd suggest that it's worth highlighting so you do t get done down at performance review time.

What a cow, you could also say you'd appreciate work being more supportive/ understanding. Assuming you've worked there a while its not unreasonable to hope that they can give you leeway todo your job without being subjected to unwarranted criticism at periods of difficulty in your life.

ukatlast · 04/10/2013 20:25

Sorry for your loss. I had nothing but support and kindness from my employers when I miscarried many years ago. What a cold woman - presumably never had a miscarriage herself. She is lucky you came in at all given the psychological trauma.
Is she demanding and horrible to work for? If so, it won't get any better, I'd look to move on.

MammaTJ · 04/10/2013 20:28

You sound amazingly together for 6 weeks post MC, if you are presenting this good a front at work, then you are doing well. I can see through it and know how much it hurts!

Fantastic that you have received good support form HR!

Purplefrogshoe · 04/10/2013 20:47

That's great OP I am glad HR are being supportive, she sounds awful x

hettienne · 04/10/2013 20:52

Definitely put it back in writing to her and ask for clarification!

AntoinetteCosway · 04/10/2013 21:03

She sounds utterly callous. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 02:05

Thank you all SO much, I'm been alone for the past few weeks (partner works abroad) and your support is very very much needed appreciated.

I'm due to start my next round of fertility treatment on Monday/Tuesday. I have NEVER EVER done this, but if i don't get an apology - or at least an explanation as to WHY she felt entitled and justified to make her comment (together with examples, as someone suggested) - then I am going to go off sick with stress for a week. I'm so NOT one of these type of people but something's happened to me since the miscarriage - I am just NOT prepared to put up with her bullying behaviour (I have previously had to raise her behaviour with my boss - and it was upheld) and I will not put my fertility treatment (which I can only have once every 4 months due to partners shifts) at risk by high stress levels. I have something worth fighting for, I WAS a mummy, even for just those few weeks (I know, it wasn't a real baby, I didn't give birth...but please indulge me, every fibre of my being loved those little cells and had a future planned out in my head) and I will NOT let her jeopardise this again.

I would be content with an explanation as to why she made that comment and how she felt she/I would benefit from it.

I am also applying for another job. She is toxic. (IMO)

What has happened to me?! I used to be such a mouse!!!

OP posts:
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 02:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler · 05/10/2013 02:20

What a cow. I wouldn't engage with this woman about anything. Let the words "you'll need to put that in writing" be your new weapon of choice. It's amazing how quiet someone will become when they are expected to make a paper trail incriminating themselves.

Best of luck with your next round of treatment. I hope everything works out for you (and you find a new job too!).

neunundneunzigluftballons · 05/10/2013 02:22

Definitely take it further she is a bully. I am so sorry for your loss.

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