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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About what my boss said?

122 replies

bouncingbelle · 03/10/2013 22:42

Came back to work on Monday following surgery. Today my boss asks to speak to me to say "she was very disappointed that I appeared to 'disengage' with my work once I had an operation date."

I got a date for my operation on a Thursday morning. On the Thursday afternoon I ended up in hospital miscarrying my (fertility treatment so even more special) baby. I was off work for three working days whilst miscarrying. I was only at work for four and a half days (including a half day I came in on a day I don't normally work to help boss out) before going off for surgery.

AIBU to be furious and upset at her comment?? I got all the work done I needed to do on those 4 days. How can she seriously expect me being 'disengaged' on the four days between a miscarriage and major surgery to be worthy of raising with me now??! What is the point??? It was 6 weeks ago! I'm over the surgery and back at work (a week earlier than expected) and most definately engaged. But I'm raging at her!!!!

Should I say something to her?

OP posts:
lessonsintightropes · 05/10/2013 02:31

Two things, I hope both of which are constructive.

  1. Document everything now - your 1:1s, despite who take minutes, note any derogatory comments she makes BUT
  1. Think long and hard about whether this is a company you want to be in /part of. One person does not make cultural change, and if this atmosphere is something that is common, then you might be better off moving on. If she is a one-off, this can be dealt with, but if those attitudes (despite the nice noises coming from HR) are widespread then you're on a losing curve, and it might be worth moving on.
Driz · 05/10/2013 04:10

Why is your baby 'even more special' than the baby I, or thousands of others, miscarried? Hideous comment and you lost all my sympathy with it.

Idocrazythings · 05/10/2013 05:25

Driz. It's a turn of phrase. Of course no one life is "more special" than another, and I'm sure the OP knows that and didn't mean it the way you have insinuated. Don't be so mean, she's been bullied enough and is distressed enough.

This is coming from someone who had a miscarriage of a naturally conceived baby. I took no offense.

JessicaLundge · 05/10/2013 05:52

Oh Driz. Angry

A pregnancy via fertility treatment really really IS different because it might be your only chance.
That doesn't belittle losses from natural pregnancy in any way, it's not a grief pissing contest.

Chottie · 05/10/2013 05:57

OP - huge sympathies from me (as someone who had 3 miscarriages and two beautiful DC).

I wish you well with your next round of treatment. Please don't let this bully drag you down.

Purplefrogshoe · 05/10/2013 09:57

Driz I think what op meant is that she had to go through so much to get pregnant, I've had three mc, I certainly didn't take offence to that statement I totally get what op meant, it's an awful time and then to be bullied at work on top of that is really terrible, good luck on your next round of treatment op, fx xx

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 10:52

Diz - no loss is worse than any other. This baby WAS even more special to me because Ive been trying to conceive for over a decade and can only have 6 rounds of treatment and therefore 6 chances of having a child. One round failed. I,ve miscarried on the second round. I only have four more chances to have a baby my whole life and the reason I mentioned it was because my boss KNEW this.

My own mother had two miscarriage and a stillbirth. We're her losses any less upsetting for her because she already had a child and went on to eventually have another? No, of course not. Every loss is tragic.

No one else has taken this comment the wrong way. If it offended you, close the thread, jog on and get on with your life. Don't waste your time trying to have a go at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 10:59

Thanks everyone else for the support, I think the saddest thing to realise is that so many people have gone through miscarriages. Until it happened to me, I had no idea it was so common yet you still feel it has to be "hushed up" in some way. My boss didnt let me put miscarriage on my return to work form after being off, she said I didn't want 'something like that' on my record - I had to put abdominal pain instead. I hated the insinuation that the loss of what would have been my baby was something to be ashamed of.

OP posts:
Groovee · 05/10/2013 11:04

What a nasty bully, and yes I would go off sick with stress. Hoping HR can get through to her but I have a feeling they won't. Lots of positive vibes for you Belle x

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 11:40

Apologies to anyone who thought my 'even more special' comment thought that I meant I thought my baby was any more special to anyone else's, what I Actually meant was this pregnancy was more special to ME because 12 years ago when I first started trying to get pregnant, I thought babies were almost a given...shag enough and your sure to get one eventually! Life has taught me exactly how much of a gift they really are and we had to fight so so hard to even get to the stage of treatment we are at now. I really didnt mean to offend.

On a more positive note - application for a great new job has been submitted!!!!

OP posts:
echt · 05/10/2013 11:44

Tosser. Your boss, not you. Your record should show your miscarriage. In terms of long term implications, it is neutral, e.g. by way of comparison, depression unfortunately is not. Go back to HR and tell them about your line manager's interference in your health record.

Harryhairypig · 05/10/2013 11:45

You work for a local authority so that is good and HR have supported you so far But please do start documenting everything in writing. I would put in writing that she said you appeared disengaged once you got your op date, you got your op date Thursday am, were then off for the miscarriage for x days, then worked 4.5 days ( including a day you don't normally work) to get things done before the op. You would like it conformed in writing wht it was that you did in that tie to warrant the comments as you feel they are completely unjustified. I would also document that when you texted her it was within work hours on a work phone.
If you do not belong to a union then please join one nowt at in case.
I am sorry for you loss and I hope your next round is successful and agree you should take time off if you need it, take care.

IslaValargeone · 05/10/2013 11:47

Nobody other than driz got offended by your 'special baby' comment bouncing, we all knew what you meant so don't sweat it.
Good luck with your application, I hope everything goes well for you job and baby wise!

Harryhairypig · 05/10/2013 11:47

Cross post - yes get the health record amended, she is trying to neutralise a pregnancy related condition absence here, her concern is not for you.

Curleyhazel · 05/10/2013 12:09

Op, keep the text messages you sent her and also her replies. You might want to show them to HR as well. It's not on to vaguely criticise you and then be reluctant to elaborate further. Clear your name, don't text this woman, just communicate by email wherever possible. I would almost go as far as raising a grievance,depending on how she behaves from now. A LA will take this seriously.

Your boss bitch manager really sounds like a piece of work. Well, I hate to say it but Karma will probably bite her on the arse one fine day.

I had two miscarriages a few years ago and was off for a few days here and there. My totally useless bully of a 'manager' also called me up on it some weeks later. She had printed out the sickness policy (why?? It was about 90 pages long, she could have just sent me the PDF)... Some people have no tact and are basically not nice people.

Absolutely effing mind boggling what useless managers are out there. Hmm Shock.

Purplefrogshoe · 05/10/2013 12:27

Op I can't see how anyone could have been offended from what you said so don't worry, good advice about getting the sick record amended and documenting everything from now on, I think maybe you could do with some time off as I think you will be very stressed out and upset by this on top of your mc xx

Legosareforever · 05/10/2013 12:29

Sorry for your loss OP. Thanks

My boss didnt let me put miscarriage on my return to work form after being off, she said I didn't want 'something like that' on my record - I had to put abdominal pain instead. I hated the insinuation that the loss of what would have been my baby was something to be ashamed of.

^^

Completely unacceptable. Tell your HR department about this too. She basically lied to the company about the reason you were off sick. Even if the HR system where your boss records absences hasn't got 'miscarriage' listed, she should have explained it in the form somewhere.

It sounds very much like yr line manager doesn't really know how to do her job properly. I imagine HR would be very interested as they would want to avoid being sued for any pregnancy related issues.

Good luck with yr new job.

fuckwittery · 05/10/2013 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger · 05/10/2013 12:58

Wow, how do some people get to be managers without knowing some of the basics about employment law! Angry Or maybe she DOES but is hoping that YOU don't know the law, so she can get away with bullying you.

Well out of order OP, and good luck with the job app and fertility treatment.

EnlightenedOwl · 05/10/2013 12:58

Well done for approaching HR. As stated above keep all documentary evidence you have but you should not be having to deal with this on top of everything else you have/are going through.

phantomnamechanger · 05/10/2013 12:59

Ooops, I hope that's clear - SHE is well out of order, not you OP, obviously!

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 05/10/2013 14:10

Wow fuckwittery I had no idea about that. I,ll make sure it,s amended first thing Monday.

OP posts:
ukatlast · 05/10/2013 21:28

'Go back to HR and tell them about your line manager's interference in your health record.'

Definitely do this. HR might regard this as more serious than bullying. Falsifying records. Would be great if she left rather than you as if you do get pregnant soon, don't you have to work for a new employer for so many months before you are entitled to maternity leave etc etc?

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 06/10/2013 20:14

I don't know what to do. Literally feel sick about having to deal with her tomorrow. I start my next batch of clomid tomorrow too and this level of stress doesn't help!

There is an option where I work from another office, closer to me, tomorrow which means I can still get my work done whilst not being judged about seeming 'disengaged'. But I know I'm only postponing the inevitable and I,ll have to see her at some point (she goes on holiday on Thursday night thank god) - should I just go in and face her??? This shouldn't be happening, she shouldn't be making me feel like this, I,ve literally not ate all weekend, shaky, can't sleep, stomach churning n palpitations. Im not good at conflict with people Even when I'm in the right :(

What do you think would be the best thing to do tomorrow??

OP posts:
Purplefrogshoe · 06/10/2013 20:56

I wouldn't go in, i think you are stressed and still very upset, call in sick maybe go back Friday if you feel better, I would contact HR though and get your sick record amended ASAP, she should not be making you feel like this and she should not be getting away with it xx

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