Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About what my boss said?

122 replies

bouncingbelle · 03/10/2013 22:42

Came back to work on Monday following surgery. Today my boss asks to speak to me to say "she was very disappointed that I appeared to 'disengage' with my work once I had an operation date."

I got a date for my operation on a Thursday morning. On the Thursday afternoon I ended up in hospital miscarrying my (fertility treatment so even more special) baby. I was off work for three working days whilst miscarrying. I was only at work for four and a half days (including a half day I came in on a day I don't normally work to help boss out) before going off for surgery.

AIBU to be furious and upset at her comment?? I got all the work done I needed to do on those 4 days. How can she seriously expect me being 'disengaged' on the four days between a miscarriage and major surgery to be worthy of raising with me now??! What is the point??? It was 6 weeks ago! I'm over the surgery and back at work (a week earlier than expected) and most definately engaged. But I'm raging at her!!!!

Should I say something to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncingbelle · 06/10/2013 21:21

It's the culmination of a lonnnnng campaign of bullying by her. I had taken it to her immediate line manager a while ago and we all had a meeting (she denied everything) and things calmed down for about 5 months but nothing really was done bout it, I'm just so scared the same happens this time and she gets away with it :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncingbelle · 06/10/2013 21:29

Thanks purple for giving me a wee bit of back up that if I don't go in/work from another office, I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Ursula8 · 06/10/2013 21:49

Are you not a union member OP? They would be able to give you help with this. You shouldn't have any pregnancy related illness counted against you. It is disgusting that another woman would behave this way towards you and I hope she is strongly reprimanded.
You need to take it easy and put yourself first for a bit. Sending you hugs and really positive thoughts for your next pregnancy.

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 06/10/2013 22:19

I am a union member and had contacted her about something on Monday, boss found out and on Thursday, immediately prior to the 'disengagement' comment had a go at me about going to the union rep instead of asking her. So now I feel I can't even contact my union rep without getting in trouble:( I also told hr about this on Friday.

OP posts:
Purplefrogshoe · 06/10/2013 23:06

I would ask for help from the union, I found them a great help. It is outrageous that you are been treated in this manner after surgery and a mc. I think you really look after yourself at the moment so do what is best for you not the job

Inertia · 07/10/2013 06:40

I'm sorry about your baby. Do you have anybody to talk to about how you feel? Some hospitals have a grief counsellor who works with women who have had mc.

Agree with previous posters about getting your sickness records corrected. I think (your union will know) that pregnancy related absences are not counted as sick days, they are treated as a separate issue. There is no disadvantage to having a mc on your record. Unfortunately it sounds as though your boss wants this to show up as a non-specific sick leave as evidence for your alleged lack of commitment.

MikeLitoris · 07/10/2013 06:53

Your boss is an idiot.

Unfortunately it is all too common. When I had mc I was off sick for 3 days. I was given an informal warning. When I had my 3rd mc it was made into a formal warning. When I had the cheek to have a 4th mc the formal warning was extended and was told that if I haf another instance of sickness for the same reason I wouldn't have a job there. Utter twats.

Good luck for your next treatment.

Legosareforever · 07/10/2013 08:52

Bouncing, I've been there and I really feel for you. Managing fertility problems whilst being in a job with a manager like yours is so difficult.

You get stressed about what they say and do and then worry that the stress will prevent you from getting pregnant. Sad I used to be in pieces about this fearing it was a vicious circle.

Deal with your boss ASAP. If I were you I would consider raising a grievance or finding a new job. I also would consider taking time off for stress caused by your manager. She should hopefully then be dealt with by hr. CBT helped me to not panick too much abou ttc and my job as well.

Saying that, I did get pregnant and the consultant who was looking after me said that the impact of stress on fertility was overrated. His opinion was that the body adapts to stress and in his experience stress wasn't the big obstacle people think it is. I'm not sure if what he said was right or wrong but it was reassuring to hear it from a highly experienced medical professional.

Good luck with your new chlomifen cycle.

Legosareforever · 07/10/2013 08:54

Mike, that's absolutely awful behaviour by your company. Are you still working for them? Interesting that somebody upthread mentioned that being off sick due to a mc is a pregnancy related absence and cannot be taken into account for overall performance.

stowsettler · 07/10/2013 09:12

Jesus this is appalling. Bouncing, I hope you're not in work today. Contact your HR department, get your record amended WRT the miscarriage and tell them exactly why you're not in today.
Write a comprehensive report about what happened, from start to finish and show it to your union rep. Ask their advice about whether to offer to show it to the HR department.
Consider raising a grievance. Personally I think you have to, because this sounds very much like it's leading to constructive dismissal. If you start the official ball rolling and the powers-that-be are aware of exactly what's going on, you'll be in a stronger position.
Wishing you all the best in your next round of treatment.
Incidentally, discriminating you because of speaking to your union is illegal.

Legosareforever · 07/10/2013 09:19

Tell hr about the union thing as well.

Mumsyblouse · 07/10/2013 09:33

This is out and out bullying, her remarks could not possibly have improved your current working situation and are designed to upset you (and have worked). Do what everyone has said- get it all written down, get your record amended or note that it was not correct, go to HR/union and make a complaint. I hate workplace bullies, but don't fear- there's enough here for her to start crapping herself if you make a complaint as she has done not one but several things which are red flags for HR/legal services.

Good luck, you write very eloquently about why this was a special baby to you and i hope you get the baby you so much desire (and deserve).

JessicaLundge · 07/10/2013 09:34

Your HR department and the union need to know about her treating you badly for contacting the union. HR May well keel over at being told that. Sounds like if she has enough rope she'll hang herself.

JessicaLundge · 07/10/2013 09:39

I'm imagining it now:
Bouncing:- "Hello HR, Bouncing here. My boss has told me that my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage can't be recorded as pregnancy related, she didn't want them on my record, and is treating me badly because she found out is contacted our union."

HR:- "What? What? Oh God sorry I've just been sick! Erm, I'll have to call you back..."

Grin

Fuck her over.

clam · 07/10/2013 09:42

Sounds to me as if she's trying to set a trail towards getting rid of you.

Mimishimi · 07/10/2013 09:46

Very nasty thing to say if she knew about the mc. To be honest, I would say "yes, I have been disengaged but I'll explain the situation to HR".

JessicaLundge · 07/10/2013 09:52

What does "disengaged" actually mean? I'd like to see her define that, in the context of your situation ie between mc and surgery. It would be impossible for her to do that without looking like the fool she is.

pantsonbackwards · 07/10/2013 10:04

Some bosses are awful!

I worked with a young man who found out one day at work that his fathers cancer had returned. He wanted to go home and be with his dad and the bosses said no. The reason was "well he hasn't actually died yet has he".

Cunts.

The young man didn't even have any work to do that day!

MikeLitoris · 07/10/2013 15:39

legos yes I'm still there. I dont habr the same manager anymore and have gone down the complaints route myself. I missed out on a pay rise at the time and am in the process of getting that back dated.

Original poster
bouncingbelle · 07/10/2013 18:48

Thank you all - and mike, your story is horrendous :( I did go to work today, albeit from a different office so I didn't have to see her. Got a bit panicky even there at one point but calmed down. Didnt get to speak to HR as the woman there was off today but that also means bitch boss (BB) didnt speak to her either - I did notice though that she has a meeting booked in with HR tomorrow morning....mmmmwahahaha. Also contacted a different union rep today who has a reputation for being good, and having a meeting with him tomorrow. He says we have lots to get her on. She,s went too far this time and through all you guys support my fight is back, she is NOT getting away with this!! Thank you all SO much!
And Lego...thank you! I was worried about getting caught in a vicious cycle. I booked myself a massage this week cos I figure I deserve to de stress!!

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 07/10/2013 18:52

go for it bouncing :) I let my bullies getbaway with it :(

stowsettler · 07/10/2013 19:28

Excellent bouncing! Bloody get her!

JessicaLundge · 07/10/2013 19:57

Yay Bouncing! Go go go go go!!!

Purplefrogshoe · 08/10/2013 00:06

Good for you bouncing, don't let her get away with it!

SayMyNameSayIt · 08/10/2013 02:01

bouncingbelle

You ARE a mummy and it WAS a real baby. It's very late and I'm very tired but I'm just reminded of my own missed m/c and I have tears falling for you now.

I only got as far as that post about how you didn't give birth and I had to reply. Your boss is a total utter bitch

I just want to send you gentle hugs ( I think that's allowed at this time of night) and if it doesn't sound too worthy, I'll pray for you, that you will be blessed with a baby.

I've been very lucky to have 2 DS subsequently. DS1 was a struggle, but DS2 came along very quickly! (After DS1, all my "problems" disappeared). There IS hope.

Take care and I hope I don't sound vom -inducing, I genuinely mean every word.