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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH re work

112 replies

hannibalismisunderstood · 05/08/2013 12:37

Hi,

DH works in a small healthcare setting and a little while ago a vacancy came up that would be his line managers line manager. I thought it looked perfect for me and so I applied... I haven't heard if I have been shortlisted for interview but DH is now saying it would be a conflict of interest and he feels uneasy about it and wants me to withdraw my application...

AIBU is saying no, I won't or is DH BU for asking me to?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 05/08/2013 12:38

Has he explained why he doesn't think you should work there? Had he expressed anything like that before you applied?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 05/08/2013 12:40

Agree with kinky (great name!), it depends how he felt before you applied.

And did you say on the application you were married to so-and-so in the department? I slightly wonder if that's something you'd need to say if it would be a potential conflict of interest.

BrokenSunglasses · 05/08/2013 12:40

If he is uncomfortable with you potentially becoming his indirect boss, then I think you should respect that. I wouldn't want my DH working with me in any capacity, despite the fact that I think he's great and we work well together in a voluntary setting.

Who is being most unreasonable depends on many other things though. Do you currently have a job that brings in enough money?

HollyBerryBush · 05/08/2013 12:41

I don't think it's healthy for a relationship for people to work together. Willing to be proven wrong that 24/7 each others pockets is a good thing.

So you have applied to be his line managers line manager? That will upset any balance at home also.

Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 05/08/2013 12:44

Hi, thanks everyone...

The place in question is where I did my PhD research and I introduced him to there as a workplace about three and a half years ago. I am finishing my PhD now and this would fit perfectly. They know we are married

DH has been moaning about wanting to do something else for a while now but hasn't done anything to change jobs/retrain etc. The job is about 3 times what I am currently earning and almost twice what DH earns if that helps and yes, we are mega skint and I need to find a high paid job...

he hasn't said anything specific as to what he doesn't like about me applying for the job...

OP posts:
Fuzzysnout · 05/08/2013 12:46

I think YABU, sorry. If he doesn't want you to work at his workplace (especially if it is very small & you would indirectly be his boss) then I think you should respect that. Only disclaimer would be if it was a very very specialised field and it would be difficult for you to find a suitable role elsewhere.

tethersend · 05/08/2013 12:46

Discuss it once you're offered the job.

Arguing about it at this stage is pointless.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 05/08/2013 12:46

Mmm. If they know you are married it sounds unlikely there is a conflict of interest, but I can see how he feels really - I think I would feel the same. I love my DH but I have no interest in having him in a job where he'd be responsible for ticking me off all the time.

OTOH I can imagine perhaps there aren't that many jobs and you don't want to miss one.

Did you talk to him about it properly before you put in the application? As in, 'look, DH, how would you feel if ...', or did you assume he'd be ok?

DameDeepRedBetty · 05/08/2013 12:47

Wondered what the salary difference would be.

He's grumping because he knows he should have pulled his finger out months ago.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 05/08/2013 12:49

YANBU. Worry about it if you are offered the job. Then it might be a decision as to whether you take the job and he looks for something else, or whether you give it six months and see, or whatever.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 05/08/2013 12:49

A line manager's line manager wouldn't be ticking you off, LRD!

LaurieFairyCake · 05/08/2013 12:52

Yanbu

Of course you should take the job. He can suck it up or move jobs like he planned.

If the organisation don't think there's a conflict then there isn't.

Frankly it sounds like he just doesn't want you to be his boss - consider reposting this in Feminism Wink

ExperienceHunter · 05/08/2013 12:52

Would you actually have any dealings with him, or have to work in the same place? I'd be fine with DP working for the same company but wouldn't want to be based in the same office. Everyone needs some space.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 05/08/2013 12:54

doctrine - sorry! Blush

I was just trying to see what he might be worried about.

Boosterseat · 05/08/2013 12:54

FWIW I am my husbands line manager, we were together before DH started working here and when a vacancy came up I mentioned that DP (now DH) would be ideal, he has worked his way up the company and now works in my department.

Everyone is aware we are married and we leave work at the door (as much as we can) when we get home.

There is no conflict of interest as the only interest when we are at work is well, work!

He is praised and bollocked the same as every other member of staff - its honestly never been a problem in 6 years!

If i was your DH i would be so proud of you, he should be supporting you not putting up barriers!

Very best of luck with your new job should you choose to take it.

ChunkyPickle · 05/08/2013 12:57

I'm going against the grain, but I don't think YABU.

As his line manager's line manager I can't imagine you'd have that much interaction with him anyhow? And I can't see how he can be even slightly upset at the 3* salary bump!

DP and I have worked together a few times, and it's been great (we have complimentary skills) - We've been in situations where he's been the boss, or where I've been the boss, or where we've both been the bosses of our own areas, we've each earned more than the other at various points, and for us it's really not been a problem.

Only you know if it's going to be a problem for him, but given the money aspect, and that he doesn't even like his job I can't imagine why you wouldn't take this job if it was offered.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/08/2013 12:59

Honestly, don't worry about this until you are offered the job.

At the moment, it's all what-ifs. But if you actually get an offer, you can sit down and look at it. He's unlikely to tell you to leave a job that is 3x your current salary when it's actually right in front of you, and he can always leave if he wants too.

You are creating unnecessary conflict and bad feeling by discussing it and getting each others' backs up before you've even been shortlisted, though.

BrokenSunglasses · 05/08/2013 13:00

If you need the money then what is best for your family as a whole is more important than his discomfort with the situation, although I still think his feelings are valid. It's about priorities though.

Do you think part of his problem is that he doesn't like the idea of you earning significantly more than him?

LessMissAbs · 05/08/2013 13:02

It wouldn't be a traditional conflict of interest situation, as conflict of interest arises when the same person, company or partnership represents both a party and another party they are acting against in the same matter.

It is more relevant whether or not the employer has a policy discouraging relationships between people at work. If it has, it might stray into the realms of marital discrimination.

I can kind of see why your DH might dislike it, but I don't see why you should hold back in career opportunities because of him, particularly if you are likely to be working at a more senior level. He can always move on. If you already have a connection with the employer then its an obvious choice for you to apply to.

Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 05/08/2013 13:02

thank you! It is a small unit but I wouldn't be directly managing DH and I certainly wouldn't be responsible for discipline - it has so many aspects of what I enjoy in the role and I would love to get the job so am really reluctant to withdraw before even potentially being invited to interview...

I think I will hold fast, keep my fingers crossed for the interview and deal with it with DH then....

OP posts:
LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 05/08/2013 13:04

Good luck.

I don't know, but I can imagine if you're coming out of a PhD there really aren't many jobs and this sounds amazing - does your DH realize that? Mine wouldn't have the foggiest what sort of jobs I'm qualified for (and I wouldn't know about him), so maybe he sees it that you're just choosing to go for one where he works, and doesn't see that it's an amazing offer?

Scrounger · 05/08/2013 13:08

YANBU, go for it if it is an ideal job. Worry about anything else when you get it.

How much of his problem is ego driven rather than practical considerations?

CinnabarRed · 05/08/2013 13:10

Thing is, it's not just how DH feels about it - it's everyone else who might work with the two of you.

For example, the line-manager you would be managing might feel unable to mention poor performance to your DH. Another employee of DH's grade might feel that DH was being given unfair treatment due to his relationship with you, etc etc.

At my workplace, a line manager (or a line manager's line manager) entering into a relationship with a member of staff is a sacking offence - although in practice one of the two would be quietly asked to find other employment - I've seen it happen many times.

So, on the whole, I think YABU.

sameoldIggi · 05/08/2013 13:12

...and this is how women willingly scupper their careers.

LondonMan · 05/08/2013 13:16

I can't believe there are people here who think you are unreasonable. He doesn't have more right to work there just because he got there first.

Since this job pays more, if he really doesn't want to work with you, it would be better for both of you if you worked there and he left.

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