AIBU or is DH re work

[hannibalismisunderstood]

Hi,

DH works in a small healthcare setting and a little while ago a vacancy came up that would be his line managers line manager. I thought it looked perfect for me and so I applied... I haven't heard if I have been shortlisted for interview but DH is now saying it would be a conflict of interest and he feels uneasy about it and wants me to withdraw my application...

AIBU is saying no, I won't or is DH BU for asking me to?

[LillyNotOfTheValley]

I think it would be unreasonable to withdraw your application. Once you have been offered the job you can actually give this more thought: can you two work together on a daily basis? Is your DH reluctant because you would be his boss? (and has to get over himself)

I once worked with DH and it was hell on earth: he was playing a minor character in the show I write for and drove me crazy as he wanted me to expand his amount of lines/contradicted me publicly on how the character was meant to behave "because he was there when I wrote that part". As a result, I had to virtually "kill him off" . What a relief. I would have never imagined he would behave like this!

[LillyNotOfTheValley]

Oh so sorry, I did not see your message

[sameoldIggi]

Hi OP, sorry to hear things have got worse. Hopefully it might improve in time, if that's what you want of course. If you do decide to separate, then the time is surely even more right for you to have a well paid job you enjoy..

[holidaysarenice]

Also you introduced him to the company. That sways me to he is being unreasonable.

[cerealqueen]

OP, don't withdraw, especially if this is marriage ending stuff!!
It is his pride, he doesn't want people seeing you in a higher position than him.
I hope you sort it out.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Jeez, please don't withdraw from applying. Especially in this situation! You will need the money!

[LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy]

Oh, no!

I'm so sorry to see this.

I agree with others - please, please don't withdraw. You deserve this and have worked hard for it.

Sorry to be blunt, but also, if you make up and he comes around (or realizes he's going to lose his wife if he doesn't!), you will still have lost what sounds like a pretty great job.

[echt]

Don't withdraw, OP.

Apart from anything else, you'll need the money.

[notanyanymore]

YAsooooNBU, he needs to grow up and support you not act like a petulant child. If he doesn't want to work with/under you he needs to be looking at other options (and a bigger pair of balls)

[SquinkiesRule]

Don't withdraw, you'll need that job if the marriage is going to end. He doesn't even want to work there, if you get it he can do what he said and move to another place to work.
Don't let him run you off from a job you will love.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

This is terrible! Of course you should go for it. He's uncomfortable because he's been lazy about his own career and now you're going to show him up. You should just go for it.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

Jeez what an idiot he is. Don't withdraw, don't cave, that's just bullying. I only read the op and the first page but now I've read about what a nutter he plainly is. Go for it.

[CinnabarRed]

I really don't mean this as flippant - but as your marriage is over (I'm so sorry) then there's no reason to withdraw.

In fact, it's even more important that you secure your future.

I posted earlier on the thread, and said I thought YWU to apply in the first place. Although his career was no more important than yours neither is it any less important, and I don't automatically accept that earning more makes one job more important than the other (there are too many posts on Relationships where over-paid and over-entitled men take exactly that position to grind down their wives and partners).

However, as you are separated, there is no longer any need to compare jobs in the context of the family overall. If you get the job (and good luck to you) then he can start looking for another role if he finds the situation unbearable.

[FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin]

Oh shit.
Agree eith cinnabar, you need this job more than ever now as something to throw yourself into
Fwiw I think yout dh was unreasonable from the very start snd was coming on to say apply

[BeckAndCall]

Oh dear.

So you're the one with the qualifications to apply for this role, he is a support worker who doesn't really like the job, but he thinks he gets to say 'no' to you when this is your very specialist area that you've trained for for the last 3 years? And whatsmore, you were there fro 2 years first!

No wonder you're not OK with it.

It sounds like the kind of role which doesn't come up very often so please don't pull out - you may have to wait years or move miles away to find and an equivalent position.

[DontmindifIdo]

Just to add to the chorus, don't withdraw! It sounds like this is one of only a few suitable roles for you, whereas he doesn't see his job as long term. If you are really ending your marriage anyway, you need to have a decent wage. Don't let pride get in your way, not his pride or yours.

[hannibalismisunderstood]

Thank you, I know you are all right.... It would be mad to withdraw now but part of Me just wants to get it over and done with and cut all ties with stbexdh but the sane logical side is saying just wait.... I might not even get an interview and this is what I said repeatedly to him yesterday!

In the argument he called me a bully for wanting to be his boss, said I was emotionally cold, not a wife, the man in the relationship and mentally unsound if I didn't see that it was too weird! I never call him names but he always resorts to them, then it was oh how he wishes he saw 6 years ago that I'm not a nice person etc and that the only nice things coming out of this relationship was meeting my ds (14) and our dd(3).

I supported him when he moved in and wasn't working despite being a full time student single Mum with 2 part time jobs and even when he just quit a job because he didnt like the people I supported him for over a month until he got a new job.... He doesn't drive so I did all the drop offs/pick ups for dsd(18) until she moved in at 16 ans I still do all the drop offs and driving around and yet after visiting his parents its him who needs to pop to the pub as he's tired..... Arghhh

[diddl]

He sounds like hard work.

You will be well rid!

Apply for the job-& best of luck!

[formicadinosaur]

Go for it. Sounds like a job you would love and DH is likely to move in anyway soon

[Gay40]

He sounds like a cock and you need a job. It's a no-brainer.

[dreamingbohemian]

Leaving the husband and taking the job sounds pretty win-win to me.

"You're the man in this relationship" is such a bullshit thing to say. Fuck that.

[sameoldIggi]

If you do withdraw, I can picture this happening - he is mollified, so does everything he can to make things right with you, and you give things another go. Without the job. So really he gets exactly what he wants. If you get the job, and do decide to stay together, at least you'll know he accepted your right to apply.

[ssd]

get the new job and sack him (I'm bitter and twisted)

[CSIJanner]

Do not withdraw! Mumsnet has decreed it so. You've trained for this, supported him, step children, your children, studied, introduced him and got him the job - seriously, how much more do you need to give up for the man-child?

If he sees the light and apologises, then you've got the job interview and a marriage to work on. If he still falls back to name calling, you've still got the job interview and an independent future without him. It's not your problem nor the company as they know your relationship. It's his and his bruises ego. Don't let the child-ego win.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

You have a child with your stbex. I'm afraid you will never be shot of him.

Just do nothing today. If you don't withdraw today you can always withdraw tomorrow. If you withdraw today you can't change your mind tomorrow.