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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH re work

112 replies

hannibalismisunderstood · 05/08/2013 12:37

Hi,

DH works in a small healthcare setting and a little while ago a vacancy came up that would be his line managers line manager. I thought it looked perfect for me and so I applied... I haven't heard if I have been shortlisted for interview but DH is now saying it would be a conflict of interest and he feels uneasy about it and wants me to withdraw my application...

AIBU is saying no, I won't or is DH BU for asking me to?

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 06/08/2013 14:59

Hannibal Amazing name btw, cant believe i didn't spot it before! Huge crush on Mads Blush

Please, please, please do not withdraw.

I don't even know you and I'm bloody proud of you!

In the argument he called me a bully for wanting to be his boss, said I was emotionally cold, not a wife, the man in the relationship and mentally unsound if I didn't see that it was too weird! I never call him names but he always resorts to them, then it was oh how he wishes he saw 6 years ago that I'm not a nice person etc and that the only nice things coming out of this relationship was meeting my ds (14) and our dd(3).

Your'e not even going to be his fucking boss and so what if you are? what is he insinuating that your DD could never be management? Or is it only you that needs to be submissive to protect his fragile ego? He doesn't see you as equal, he sees you as a threat and tries to make out you have a MH issue.

Take the job if its offered - then sack the cunt for being a selfish,sexist,abusive prick.

To qualify working for that kind of salary you are obviously a capable, intelligent and qualified professional - don't let him take that away from you.

AaDB · 06/08/2013 15:47

DH was bvu.

Don't withdraw. As you have said, you may not get an interview. This will need excellent experience and nothing ventured etc. I've recently secured a job. An ex colleague heard I'd applied for a job in her dept and told me about another vacancy. Just applying will let it be known you are in the market for this type of role. You never know what that could lead to. Best of luckThanks

Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 06/08/2013 16:09

Thank you everyone, I've decided not to withdraw and am seriously considering my future, I even looked up that if I apply fir a divorce now on my low wage I'd get a full fee remission and so a happy that if it does come to that I won't be held back by finances... Strange thing to think I know but knowledge is power etc etc

boosterseat he's my celeb crush too! So sad tge series has ended but I still have Dexter [GRIN]

(and that's another thing, H hates me watching these dark programmes and horror films but I love them!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 06/08/2013 16:10

Arghh sorry for the typos!

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 06/08/2013 16:26

I'm really pleased you've reconsidered your position - its not as if job opportunities are being given away in cereal packets right now
If you are anywhere near Yorkshire you're welcome to come to mine for the next series.DH can scoot over to the other sofa!

I have moral dilemmas over that man! He is so sexy,intelligent and an excellent cook buuuut he kills and eats people which is kind of a deal breaker for me. Grin

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 06/08/2013 17:12

Glad you haven't withdrawn OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/08/2013 17:43

I'm glad you haven't withdrawn. Sorry to hear he has behaved like this.

I did think for a minute I'd stepped into the 1950's (man as breadwinner and wife with a little job). I earn considerably more than DH and he copes.

Mumsyblouse · 06/08/2013 17:49

Don't withdraw, it is very common for people in the same area such as academia to work together and they are not usually at the same level at the same time all the time- the fact he couldn't cope with this means he would never support your career. I hope you get an interview!

Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 06/08/2013 18:04

Booster depends whether he has a 'code' like Dexter - could be persuaded but hey, could always go veggie and I bet he could make some lovely desserts!!! Wink

Fingers crossed for an interview!!

OP posts:
Boosterseat · 06/08/2013 18:17

Good luck my lovely - just make sure I get an invite to dinner as long as I'm not on the menu Grin

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 06/08/2013 20:09

I am very sorry that a prospective application letter is having such consequences. I must say that I am baffled by his behaviour. He really does not want you there. You would think he has a mistress at work.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I do hope he cannot sabotage your application. Keep applying.

MrsRochestersCat · 06/08/2013 20:47

Oh Hannibal! As I have read through this thread I have decidedly concluded that YANBU! He sounds like such a drain on life!!

You have put so much energy into supporting him through the years - and he can't even be pleased (let alone supportive) of your hard-won success?! I have seen a phrase on Mumsnet that feels right for this situation: Cocklodger.

Feel proud of your success and enjoy the rewards of your hard work.

MrsRochestersCat · 06/08/2013 20:48

I wondered about a mistress too :(

LindyHemming · 06/08/2013 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreeWee · 06/08/2013 21:19

Glad you haven't withdrawn but sorry to hear this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Fingers crossed for an interview. Do let us know!

tinkertitonk · 06/08/2013 22:10

This is an obvious COI. If you can't see this then certainly other employees will see it and call it nepotism whenever they are denied promotion.

CSIJanner · 06/08/2013 23:41

It's not a conflict of interest if there's full disclosure and if OP's company and her own direct line manager makes it clear that she has no authority over her husband even via his line manager.

MrsRochestersCat · 06/08/2013 23:53

If there was a COI the unit would not have taken STBEXH on in the first place - when OP was there previously. If the unit believe there is a COI at this point in time then they won't progress OP's application.

Besides, people will tolerate even the worst examples of nepotism so long as the related employees can do their job well.

OP, don't base your life decisions on what other people may or may not think about the situation!!

If you were my sister I would advise you to go for the interview regardless of anything else - if they offer you the job that is when you decided if it is right for you.

Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 07/08/2013 09:31

thank you everyone....

I know that there isn't a mistress at work, I am friends with one of his co-workers and still connected via my research and so something would have gotten back to me, plus I trust him 100% on that - he despises cheating and has shown no signs that would make me suspect this...

He was better last night, we agreed not to discuss this anymore until I have an interview and am potentially offered a job there.... I will let you guys know if I get an interview!

OP posts:
Original poster
hannibalismisunderstood · 13/08/2013 18:18

Well I have an interview so now the key decision is do I tell DH before the interview or wait until after??

OP posts:
diddl · 13/08/2013 18:29

I'd what & see if you are offered a place tbh.

nowwearefour · 13/08/2013 18:48

When is the interview? Is your marriage poss back on again? If so, tell him in the spirit of openness. If not, none of his business!

TempusFuckit · 13/08/2013 20:23

Wow, just read this thread for the first time. Good luck, I really hope you get it. And definitely don't tell him. Will the company tell him/ask him about you do you think?

KeatsiePie · 13/08/2013 20:23

Hey that's great!!

Since you're uncertain about the future of your marriage (I'm really sorry about that) I would not use it as the basis of your decision. I.e., you might feel like you are or are not going to divorce today, but that might change, b/c there's so much emotion involved and it can take a while to say for sure whether a marriage is over.

Instead, I think telling him/not telling him should depend on how his reaction will affect you. If he's going to throw a fit and drain your energy such that you go into the interview distracted and unprepared, then don't tell him.

Another factor: will he see you when you go in to interview?

attheendoftheday · 13/08/2013 21:12

Good luck with the interview. Personally I'd tell your d p (because you have nothing to hide) but be ready to ignore his whinging. I wouldn't judge you for keeping it a secret, though.