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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think getting pregnant "accidentally" is not ok

155 replies

Buddhagirl · 07/06/2013 23:02

Conversion with a gf yesterday along the lines of:

Me: i really want to start ttc I wish dh would agree to start sooner
Her: just come off contraception and don't tell him, you will both love the baby and make it work
Me: isn't that unfair and a bit immoral?
Her: loads of people do it, what's the worst that could happen?

I do wonder how many "accidents" are really accidents. I can see how women would want to do this and I'm sure most do cope and it's ok, but surely it's really unfair?

OP posts:
Dannilion · 07/06/2013 23:05

The situation your 'gf' decided is horrid. I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who could be so selfish.

However, DD was a real, unplanned accident. It happens.

Dannilion · 07/06/2013 23:06

*described

CloudsAndTrees · 07/06/2013 23:06

Of course it's unfair. Do you really need to ask?

Although I don't suppose there are loads of people doing it. Some maybe, but not loads.

SirBoobAlot · 07/06/2013 23:06

DS was so unplanned you wouldn't believe.

Your 'friend' sounds rather questionable on the 'moral' department.

Sleepyhoglet · 07/06/2013 23:07

It isn't a very mature attitude. It could have a negative impact on your baby if you were to have one deliberately by tricking him. Years down the line he may resent you for making the choice for him and make excuses. You need to go into this honestly. What ar ethics reasons for wanting to wait? A child is such a big ligpfe change you cannot foist that on someone who is not ready.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/06/2013 23:07

It's such a selfish thing to do.

NorthernLurker · 07/06/2013 23:08

Isn't unfair too though if a male partner is preventing a woman from conceiving? There's a lot of opprobrium poured on women who deceptively and deliberately get pregnant and precious little on men who deceptively enter and continue relationships saying they want kids 'one day' but never committing ttc.

I think both is a bit crap but both happen A LOT. Bottom line is if you don't want a child then you need to be responsible for ensuring your own fertility is contained. Men who don't want 'accidents' need to abstain, insist on condoms + another method and be confident they're using them correctly or have a vasectomy. How many can be bothered with any of that?

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/06/2013 23:08

I wouldn't think its a good idea.....saying that, friend got9 preggers on the depo jab..!

StuntGirl · 07/06/2013 23:09

It's a terrible fucking idea.

It was my grandmothers advice to my cousin who wants a child and her husband doesn't. My grandmother is of the opinion that childbearing is the be all and end all of a woman's aspirations, and that a woman must go to whatever lengths necessary to have one. I love her but I think she's batshit.

MangoJuiceAddict · 07/06/2013 23:11

Very immature attitude. To 'accidentally' get pregnant is so selfish and immature. My DD was completely accidental and as soon as I told people I was pregnant they questioned me on just how unplanned: 'did you use contraception?' OF COURSE I DID!!! I really hate to think that there are people who trick others into having a baby Sad. Imagine if the rolse were reversed and your DP was planning to have a child without telling you Shock.

lookingfoxy · 07/06/2013 23:12

My current pregnancy is planned and its a strain on our relationship at times.
I can't imagine how much strain and resentment an unplanned pregnancy would cause.
I think it would lead to some couples splitting up.

50ShadesofXmas · 07/06/2013 23:13

Oh god, before dh and I started talking about ttc ds2, the number of people that said to me "are you having any more?" I replied "not yet, I'm keen, dh - not so much", the sheer amount of people who said "just come off the pill/whatever you are using, get pregnant, it will be fine, my mates best friends next door neighbours auntie did it and her husband was secretly pleased"!!!!

I think it's incredibly disloyal, immoral and downright disgusting, I certainly learnt a lot about some people and their principles!!

goneHaywire · 07/06/2013 23:13

DO NOT DO THAT!

You both need to be ready. Having a baby requires a massive mental, emotional, physical and logistical shift in both your lives.

Our dd is 11mo now and dh is still adjusting. To spring this kind of upheaval commitment on someone is not fair to them, you, or the baby

Casmama · 07/06/2013 23:17

What's the worst that could happen? Your dh doesn't believe it was an accident, the lack of trust and anger leads to divorce and your child never forgives you for it.
Your friend is an idiot.

Original poster
Buddhagirl · 07/06/2013 23:17

Yeah kinda needed to ask as she and others on this thread have said lots of people do it /suggest other people do it. Mad world.

OP posts:
BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy · 07/06/2013 23:23

Imagine if a man was discussing sabotaging a condom so as to get his wife pregnant by 'accident'? Its never right to trick someone into creating a child.

MyBaby1day · 08/06/2013 06:11

Selfish, you should both want a child, it's a HUGE responsibility. Not a fair thing to do AT ALL. Some people simply don't want children, they want to do other things with their lives and fair enough. You shouldn't do this.

SpooMoo · 08/06/2013 07:35

Think through all the consequences - you get upduffed and DP is not ready so suggests an abortion... what then? What if you keep the baby and then in say 15 years time you admit it was no accident, how gutted would he feel, you might break up then. Yuck, I hope women don't really do what your friend suggested.

TVTonight · 08/06/2013 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superbadspeller · 08/06/2013 07:47

Sounds like something an immature girl would say not a grown woman! I know of people who have done this and it hasn't worked out - some were together for a bit, some broke up immediately. Mostly teens/early twenties at the time but i think a man forced into fatherhood at any age would think to bolt.

I'm pg with dc3 at the moment - total accident, pill didn't work. The amount of people who gave said yeah wink wink you wanted another baby or my moron sister who thinks i got pregnant to steal her limelight. Fecking idiot dc2 was barely one when i fell with this baby, a massive shock and my relationship has been strained for quite some time since finding out as even df wondered if it was deliberate.

Perseis · 08/06/2013 07:47

Men who don't want 'accidents' need to abstain, insist on condoms + another method and be confident they're using them correctly or have a vasectomy.

^^ This

Although a relationship is a partnership, so if one person has assumed responsibility for something (contraception, grocery shopping, car maintenance, whatever) it's only fair to warn the other person when you decide to stop having that responsibility. Then they can plan their behaviour accordingly.

It's not the height of evil though IMO as some people would have you believe. Women need to have babies before a certain age, they will therefore in some cases want to TTC before men have adjusted to the idea. You don't get to control everything in life, and as NorthernLurker pointed out, foisting your own contraceptive responsibilitie on to someone else means ceding control over the decision to an extent.

ShadowStorm · 08/06/2013 07:49

I think it's a very bad idea to "accidentally" get pregnant like that.

Having a baby is a massive change to your lives, and if one partner isn't ready, then it's very wrong for the other partner to deliberately trick them into a pregnancy. And I'd think that this kind of attitude has also got the potential to create problems for women who really do get pregnant completely accidentally.

And I bet your friend wouldn't think this was reasonable if the situation was the other way round.

My DH wanted to start TTC for DC2 from when DS was about 6 months old. I wanted to wait until DS was at least 1yr before TTC. Would it have been okay for DH to deliberately sabotage our contraception in order to get me pregnant faster, and justify it by arguing that I did want a DC2 someday, so what difference would it make?

meditrina · 08/06/2013 07:54

I simply don't believe that "loads" of people do it.

It's wrong.

But you do need to talk to DH about when you start TTC. Why does he want to wait?

ScarletLady02 · 08/06/2013 07:58

If you're in a relationship with someone, honesty is part of that. It's one thing to say "I want a child, I'm coming off contraception". Then a man can take responsibility himself and if he's not ready he can take his own precautions. But to be deceptive about it isn't a good thing in my opinion. If you're not able to be open and honest with each other, it doesn't bode well for parenthood really does it?

Obviously accidents happen, and you deal with them the best you can, but to deliberately bring that about without the other person's knowledge is evidence of some serious communication problems.

AThingInYourLife · 08/06/2013 08:01

I agree with Northern.

I find the idea that men have a right to consequence-free sex, with a partner who takes care of contraception even though she wants to have a baby, really horrible.

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