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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think getting pregnant "accidentally" is not ok

155 replies

Buddhagirl · 07/06/2013 23:02

Conversion with a gf yesterday along the lines of:

Me: i really want to start ttc I wish dh would agree to start sooner
Her: just come off contraception and don't tell him, you will both love the baby and make it work
Me: isn't that unfair and a bit immoral?
Her: loads of people do it, what's the worst that could happen?

I do wonder how many "accidents" are really accidents. I can see how women would want to do this and I'm sure most do cope and it's ok, but surely it's really unfair?

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 08/06/2013 10:45

Carp i could not have said it better. Well said.

TeapotsInJune · 08/06/2013 10:46

There's worse things than being a single parent I guess some people weigh it up and decide they'd rather have a child than a partner?

inadreamworld · 08/06/2013 10:55

I can't promise I wouldn't do it if I were desperate for a baby but I agree it is dishonest and probably not the best basis on which to start a family.

However I agree with the poster who said what about the men who prevent their wives/girlfriends from getting pregnant while saying maybe one day. That is very immoral but hardly gets mentioned.

ChunkyPickle · 08/06/2013 11:11

It's a stupid thing to do, but I can't help having this little voice in the back of my head saying that men are also responsible for contraception, and if he doesn't want a child yet he should also be doing something to manage his fertility too rather than relying on her.

I realise in a relationship this would have been discussed and perhaps they agreed she would be on hormonal birth control - but clearly the discussion is needed again

CarpeVinum · 08/06/2013 11:13

That is very immoral but hardly gets mentioned

Unless it is being done to motivate somebody to stay under false pretences how is it immoral ?

Telling somebody the truth, that you don't want kids now, but maybe that will change in the future is communicating information. What the other partner choses to do based on that information is entirely their own choice.

We are not poor innocent victims being denied babies. We are (mainly) fully grown women who are perfectly caperble of wieghing up the odds, deciding the appropirate wieght for various priorities and choosing how long (if at all) we intend to wait and see what happens before moving on and seeking a relationship where both parties are on the same page.

Biology dictacts we have a limited time frame. This is not a secret. If you are with somebody who is not on the same page as you in terms of absolutle priorities perhaps chosing to put the book down and go back to the library in a timely fashion, rather than immagining a happy ending, is one's best bet.

I would rather have had no children than bear one into a context where by deciet I had lowered their odds of a stable, secure home where they were actively wanted by both their parents.

In this discussion there needs to be acknowledgement that there needs to be greater priority made of children's needs rather than parental wants. As overwelming as maternal/paternal desire can be, it can't be given free rein at the expence of the children who have to live with unlevel playing field issues created by parental dishonesty and lack of forethought during their conception.

SlowJinn · 08/06/2013 11:30

Bad idea. Totally wrong.

Iamsparklyknickers · 08/06/2013 11:45

There's a huge difference between telling your partner you've ceased all contraception as you'd like to become pregnant and if they disagree it's now their responsibility, to secretly coming off the pill or whatever and letting them believe you're still managing the contraception side of things.

Rightly or wrongly, women have the majority of options when it comes to contraception so I don't think it's particularly unreasonable for a man to presume that his partner is telling him the truth and rely on that. In a long term relationship I can't imagine how hurt I would feel if my DP carried on using condoms if I told him I was on the pill.

What a horrible, deceitful thing to do with someone you plan to build a family with. I believe it goes on a fair bit, and I think it's an awful symptom of something wrong in the relationship if you're prepared to do that.

In a couple one person can only make that decision if the other lets them, there's absolutely nothing wrong with disagreeing and refusing to organise contraception if it's not what you want - as long as everybody involved knows what's going on.

CarpeVinum · 08/06/2013 11:46

It's a stupid thing to do, but I can't help having this little voice in the back of my head saying that men are also responsible for contraception, and if he doesn't want a child yet he should also be doing something to manage his fertility too rather than relying on her.

I am teaching my son to take an active not passive role in contraception. That if he doesn't want children he needs to know that contraception is in place and the only way he can know that it is, is if he is the one applying it in an appropirate fashion. And best case scenrio he is providing belt and braces becuase no single contraception is failsafe. I am making such a fuss about it becuase he will be going to the Uk for his higher ed, and there appears to be a vastly different mindset re the conception of children compared to here. A mindset he won't be prepared for by his peers attidudues and expectations here, so it's up to me to clarify that different cultures have different quirks and foibles that he needs to be aware of.

But this is a two way street. If men don't want to be parents then they need to take personal responsibility becuase some people lie and contraception can fail. Ditto if women do want to be parents then they need to take personal responsibility becuase some people either lie or don't have a crystal ball.

If you accept at face value it is more likely to be women, by dint of biological time constraints, who are more at risk of "don't know when or if I will ever want children" partner issues timing them out of parenthood, then it is up to them to take control of that situation and pick their priority.

A question of what do you want more, this man, (even if it means never having children, or his desire for them coming so late that he decides to go off with somebody still caperble of providing them...) OR motherhood, and leaving a realtionship which offers no firm hope of that in a timely fashion so you have enough time to find somebody suitable that is on the same page.

But yeah, finding a workaround to condone deception, that is stupid.

Becuase the people most at risk paying the price for that stratagy are the small powerless people who got no say in the matter but have any fallout as the landscape of their lives. Actively choosing the greater risk of rejection, strife, economic disadvantage and loss for your yet to be concieved children doesn't reek of a maternal investment in concept of children's needs coming before parental wants to me. And if that is the mindset from the beginning, god help the kids, becuase a wonky radar from the very onset on what consitutes priorities doesn't bode well.

Trills · 08/06/2013 11:46

YANBU at all

Relationships are about trust.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 08/06/2013 14:31

Unless you know that he knew from the start he would never want kids and chose to reframe it as "I don't know either way yet" as a device to string her along becuase he wanted to motivate her to stay ...

Yes ^^ this. That is exactly what I think.
Sure, it's really easy to say "well she chose to stay" but given how hard it is to find a nice guy after the age of 35 or so, I can see why she did.

CarpeVinum · 08/06/2013 14:46

That is exactly what I think.

Well if you have good cause to believe he strung her along and lied, then I don't blame you for being angry. It is dishonest to misrepresent reality in order to get your own way with a blatent disregard of a partner's desires.

Be it pretending there is realistic hope of parenthood, or pretending contraception is in place.

LaQueen · 08/06/2013 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LondonMan · 09/06/2013 16:04

No, Little Pea, he was half involved in creating the situation. He couldve taken responsibility for his own fertility if he didn't want children, as could she.

I think her probability of conception was 100-fold higher if not on the pill, therefore a fair apportionment of the "blame" for the children existing is 99% her, 1% him, not 50-50 as you suggest.

LittlePeaPod · 09/06/2013 17:08

londonman. I never said it was 50 50...

So they agree as a couple that their method of contraception is for her to use a coil, she tells him she doesn't like condoms and the coil is safe, he tells her over 3/4 years he isn't ready for kids and doesn't want to ttc, she sneaks off to the doctor to get the coil removed behind his back, without his knowdge and continues to lie to him that she still has the coil in...... And you say that's 50% his fault.. Come on that's ridiculous.. They made a decision as a couple, he trusted her and she deceived him. It's not his fault, its hers and she is living with the consequences if her deceitful and immoral actions...

LittlePeaPod · 09/06/2013 17:09

Lndonman sorry I miss read your comment.... Ha ha Wink

GoshAnneGorilla · 10/06/2013 03:04

I think men get away with far too much indecisiveness and women do end up pissing their fertile years away, particularly as we live in a society which encourages women to swallow crap in relationships.

Also, I'm of the glee with which people on here recount tales of men who felt "trapped" into fatherhood and so proceed to be utter shitheels to their children. No excuses should be made for these men, especially not by women.

Sex is designed to make babies, if they don't want babies, they can make the choice to leave, have vasectomy, abstain from sex, or choose someone who has decided to be child free or has been sterilized.

I think a lot of the being sneaky about contraception is because women don't feel secure enough to say, "I want a child, if you don't want one have a vasectomy".

GoshAnneGorilla · 10/06/2013 03:05

*puzzled by the glee

ComposHat · 10/06/2013 10:37

In a few years she'll be moaning about her partner not being interested in a child he never wanted.

FasterStronger · 10/06/2013 12:00

what laqueen did is the right thing to do:

she knew what she wanted.

LaQueen · 10/06/2013 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantdecideonanewname · 10/06/2013 14:38

We were going to ttc a second DC a few years ago then DH changed his mind. I was talking to an acquaintance who said I should just get 'accidentally' pregnant, I was very surprised by her attitude and said that I wanted any children we had to be wanted by both of us, she said that she thinks it's the woman's decision not the man's.

A few years later DH has changed his mind and we're now expecting a much wanted by both of us second DC.

niceguy2 · 10/06/2013 14:40

My friend's ex did this. Took herself off the pill, didn't tell him until she was pregnant.

He loves his son but never forgave his ex for that betrayal. The relationship didn't last.

FasterStronger · 10/06/2013 14:48

this:

LaQueen Sat 08-Jun-13 14:56:23

....Just before my 31st birthday, and having been together nearly 10 years since meeting at university, DH finally admitted that properly settling down, getting married, buying a house, having a family with me...just wasn't really part of his short to medium term plans...if ever. Maybe sometime in the future...but possibly not.

Well, I was utterly devastated, words can't describe how I felt sad

But, I knew that I deserved better than just meekly hanging around in his life, hoping he'd come around to the idea of marrying me, and having a family.

So, I left him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, especially as he didn't actually want me to go and kept telling me he loved me. But I packed my bags, and moved in with my Mum whilst I bought my own house.

^

LondonMan · 10/06/2013 14:52

Sex is designed to make babies, if they don't want babies, they can make the choice to leave, have vasectomy, abstain from sex, or choose someone who has decided to be child free or has been sterilized.

Someone who says she is using contraception is someone who has "chosen to be child free", for the time being at least.

I think a lot of the being sneaky about contraception is because women don't feel secure enough to say, "I want a child, if you don't want one have a vasectomy".

If a man doesn't feel "secure" enough to say "I don't want a child" then I assume you'd have no problem with him having a secret vasectomy? After all it's only "sneaky" to confer/withold parenthood by lying.

GoshAnneGorilla · 10/06/2013 15:12

London man Child free is not wanting children at all.

For the rest, re-read my first paragraph.

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