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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Send DD on a School Trip

186 replies

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 20/03/2013 10:59

...even though my husband is refusing to let her go?

Our DD is nearly 9 and this year they are having a school residential trip for 2 nights to an activity centre. DD really wants to go as all her friends are going and I think it would be great for her too.

DH on the other hand says there is no way she is allowed to go, that she is just a baby and that she can't be away from us overnight.

I think he is being totally unreasonable, she isn't a baby and if she doesn't go not only will she miss out on a great experience but she will feel left out because all her friends are going.

We have argued and argued about it he wont budge in but I am now thinking of just paying the deposit and saying she can go anyway in the hope I can convince him later.

Would that be wrong? I know it will cause more arguments but she has been so upset at the thought of not being able to go.

OP posts:

Misfit13 · 20/03/2013 11:47

Hmm, I get how DH feels and imagine he will feel pretty pissed off to have those feelings disregarded. However, I would do it anyway, for all the reasons you''ve given.
Is it close enough to drive and collect her if she doesn't cope? Would that reassure him any? (even if you''ve no intention of actually doing it..)

Original poster

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 20/03/2013 11:52

It isn't that I am diregarding his feelings and I do understand how he feels, I just think it is wrong of him to not let her go.

It is about an hour away so I could easily go and get her if I needed to. I'm not sure it would reassure him though. I have suggested we go and talks to the school to talk about any concerns about safety etc. and he wont even do that

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 20/03/2013 11:58

He's being very unrealistic and, most importantly, not acting in the best interests of your dd. At nearly 9 she should be allowed to go on what will certainly be a well-supervised residential trip as part of her increasing independence. How on earth is he going to manage when she gets to secondary school age?

amistillsexy · 20/03/2013 12:01

There are sound educational, social and emotional reasons why residentials away from parents are a good idea.
Your DH sounds like he is one of those very good reasons.

Children need to have time away from the family home and be given a safe environment in which to 'practice' being grown up. If they get no practice in being grown up until they are legally of age to leave home, they could end up making their mistakes out in the real world, which could be catastrophic.

Your DH sounds to be very controlling and narrow-minded. It will be difficult for you to argue against him, as it's a matter of two different points of view.

Would you be able to get an appointment to speak to someone at school (preferably someone in charge, like the DH or HT, so they have 'authority'), who can put forward the sound arguments for these trips, and answer any queries and concerns your DH has?

I used to take Y6 on 5 day residentials and we all had a wonderful time. The children learned so much about themselves from the challenges, and they all bonded hugely with each other and the staff. It would be awful for a child not to go, when every one else is going (I assume the rest of the class is going?).

Misfit13 · 20/03/2013 12:01

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest you were disregarding his feelings, but that he might feel that you were x

littlewhitebag · 20/03/2013 12:02

She is 9 years not 9 months and she is certainly not a baby. I agree that it is important for children to start having time away from their family as part of growing up and becoming independent. What will happen if she gets to 18 and have hardly ever been away? How would she be able to cope with uni and life on her own. 2 nights is a short period - just right for that age group. Yes you may worry a little about her but i'll bet she will have a great time.

TheSeniorWrangler · 20/03/2013 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girlwhowearsglasses · 20/03/2013 12:08

YANBU, but how about getting him to have a chat or phone call with the teacher organising it - if he has real concerns about a trip away for nine year olds, or indeed specifically your nine year old, he should be willing to engage and hear their answers. unless he is just being bloody minded and isn't interested in the facts

DorisIsWaiting · 20/03/2013 12:15

YANBU dd1 is 7 and will be going on her first brownie pack holiday in May, as with you it will be for 2 nights.

What exactly does he object too ? It seems a shame that she is not allowed to grow up and develop new skills with her friends.

Also why does he get to have the final say your dd wants to go and you agree it would be for the best, bwhy is his vote overriding , and what woud happen if you told him she will be going?

Northumberlandlass · 20/03/2013 12:16

My DS (9) has just come back from an activity weekend with the school and (I quote) "The best weekend ever" - DH and I didn't have any concerns at all and I'm not sure what I would do in your situation.

However, since you are only at the point of paying the deposit. I would pay it and then ask to talk to teacher. Our HT had a big meeting with parents which included slides of previous years, feed back from children etc which seemed to put a lot of other parents concerns at rest.

Out of interest, do you give your DD much independence / freedom now? Is she allowed to walk to shop nearby by herself, play out with friends ? Does DH worry about this? Does she do Brownies/ camping trips?

Oh and YANBU !

valiumredhead · 20/03/2013 12:17

Dh was the same but I talked him round residential trips in the UK but school trips abroad are still a definite no, although I tend to agree with him on that one.

livinginwonderland · 20/03/2013 12:19

at that age, i was going to france with the school for a week. the school had a rented house there and we had dorms, and it was a really amazing experience and i loved every second of it. your DH is beig very unreasonable - what's going to happen when she gets to secondary school and wants sleepovers at the weekend? surely at 9 she's stayed at a friends before?

BuddyButters · 20/03/2013 12:21

Pay the deposit.
Send her.
Tell him she ran away.
He'll be so relieved when she comes back that he won't be able to be cross.

wannabeEostregoddess · 20/03/2013 12:21

YANBU.

He is going to HAVE to cut the strings at some point and its better all round to start encouraging independence early. So that DH can get used to the idea that shes growing up, and that DD can learn how to be responsible away from you both.

If he continues this way she will resent him for restricting her.

nipersvest · 20/03/2013 12:23

yanbu, most schools now do residential trips. dd went on one for 3 nights in yr5, my niece's trip was 2 nights in yr4.

she will feel really left out at school if she's the only one not going. my dd loved her trip so much that ds (currently yr3) is so looking forward to when he goes.

ImAlpharius · 20/03/2013 12:24

Your DH is being very unreasonable and incredibly selfish.
Ask him why she can't go, being 'a baby' is not a good enough reason nor is that he will miss her etc. That's all about him and this trip is about her, also ask him why he thinks his feeling override BOTH of yours in this instance.

If he doesn't give good enough answers (and refusing to go into school to talk about concerns furthers the selfish aspect) then I would pay the deposit.

titchy · 20/03/2013 12:25

Oh pay the deposit. And make sure she goes. Tell him he can apply to court if he objects that much.

He is being a complete twat especially as he won't even talk to school about his concerns. Is he normally so controlling? Does he reaslise how upset she is?

PatriciaHolm · 20/03/2013 12:28

Poor girl. Has she really never been away from you for a night?

She will feel very left out if she doesn't go, it's a very mean attitude to take. Can a teacher have a quick word to tell him that she'll be safe, and that everyone else is going and she'll be alone at school???

Pandemoniaa · 20/03/2013 12:29

Agree with others about paying the deposit. That way she has the chance to go on the trip while you tackle your unreasonable DH.

tiredaftertwo · 20/03/2013 12:31

I would pay the deposit now if you will otherwise lose the place.

And then have a think. Your DH's position - of refusing to let her do things that society and school sanction and organise and that everyone else is doing - is simply not tenable as she approaches her teens. And the battles could drive her away.....But he is scared, and I do understand that.

I am a bit of a worrier and I have mostly gone with the "official" line on these things - film certificates, alcohol, school trips, dangerous activities, facebook etc. Not as a cop-out or because I think they are always right but those lines are considered reasonable by society usually, and it avoids conflict with your dc and worrying over every little decision - save that for when there really is a reason to think the general rules don't apply. Maybe, for your dh, this angle might help?

It sounds like his fears are very general - is this right? She hasn't got serious food allergy or bedwetting issues or anything like that?

I agree about asking the HT to talk to him, and maybe also you could talk generally about your dd growing up, and how an essential part of this is that she becomes more independent. It really is, she will HAVE to cope in a scary and difficult world. And she needs the tools to do that (horrible though it can be for parents!).

MortifiedAdams · 20/03/2013 12:32

It will be very smothering for her to feel babied by him in this way and could even result in her rebelling big time in the future.

Ive worked in the places your dd will will be going to. THey have a whale of a time and tbh the parents find it harder and some totally project this onto the kids and hinder their enjoyment.

Your DH is BU.

Maybe suggest he reads this thread?

EggsEggSplat · 20/03/2013 12:37

Does he have any reason at all for thinking that your 9yo is more of a baby than all the other children in her class who are being allowed to go? And all the other children that age all over the country who go on similar trips at that age or younger? DD is 10 and has done two PGL trips with school - they are the highlight of her year, and I'm sending her to PGL by herself this summer.

I feel very sorry for your DD - it would be miserable being the only one left at school, and having to hear how much fun everyone had whrn they get back.

cory · 20/03/2013 12:43

I think your dh is certainly in the wrong here and is going to have to be talked round.

The question is just how you find a way of doing it which still makes him feel involved in the decision as a parent. If you can manage that, it will help enormously with the battles ahead.

Denying her important social milestones is almost like refusing a baby to get up on its feet and try to walk because he thinks she is too little. It is pointless because she will gain independence anyway, but he is breeding resentment and making a natural transition that little bit harder.

Francagoestohollywood · 20/03/2013 12:44

I think your dh is being very unreasonable.

Don't get me wrong, I too am a worrier, but as adults we need to try to privilege rationality over our anxieties

ISingSoprano · 20/03/2013 12:45

I am strongly of the opinion that independence is a skill needs to be learned and at the age of 8 or 9 a 2 night school residential is an excellent way to start learning that skill! As is said so often here, it is our job as parents to give our children roots and wings.

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