To Send DD on a School Trip

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

...even though my husband is refusing to let her go?

Our DD is nearly 9 and this year they are having a school residential trip for 2 nights to an activity centre. DD really wants to go as all her friends are going and I think it would be great for her too.

DH on the other hand says there is no way she is allowed to go, that she is just a baby and that she can't be away from us overnight.

I think he is being totally unreasonable, she isn't a baby and if she doesn't go not only will she miss out on a great experience but she will feel left out because all her friends are going.

We have argued and argued about it he wont budge in but I am now thinking of just paying the deposit and saying she can go anyway in the hope I can convince him later.

Would that be wrong? I know it will cause more arguments but she has been so upset at the thought of not being able to go.

[Greythorne]

I live in a country that is not my 'home' country (so, similar to your DH) and I will not let my DC go on residential school trips during the primary years as in my adopted country, adults' attitudes to children are so much at odds with mine, I would be very worried.

I accept to send my children to school here, to follow the rules, to slot in with what most parents here do. But I won't let other people take her on a residential trip as that is too far out of my comfort zone. I already make a Herculean effort to fit it here.

What's culturally acceptable in one place is not necessarily acceptable elsewhere.

Maybe your husband feels the same.

[exoticfruits]

He obviously does,Greythorne, but his wife and DD feel differently and have no need to fit in with the norms of a country they don't live in.
Since he has already said 'you send her then, fine' -he has agreed.I would just take the words as he said them and make arrangements.

[Greythorne]

My point is that people are saying he is being unreasonable, he is an arse, doesn't he want her to be independent etc.

He might just feel a residential trip is unnecessary at this at this age.

Different strokes for different folks and all that.

He doesn't sound like an arse to me.

[Pandemoniaa]

hasn't ever had any difficulty going somewhere if she wanted to.

Well clearly she did if you weren't prepared to allow her away from your somewhat suffocating clutches.

[thebody]

Hi op, I understand your Dhs attitude.

Our dd was involved in a horrific accident a year ago on a school trip. Have posted about this before.

We let her go to Paris this year with the same school.

She wanted to go with her friends and we had to get over our own feelings of horror and let her go.

If we can do this so can your dh.

[Goldmandra]

Why can't people just accept that others' parenting styles can be different but still OK?

Some people choose to or have to hand their children over to somebody else from being very tiny, send them for sleepovers at grandparents' houses as babies so they can go out for meals, etc and that's fine if it works for them.

Other people don't do it, either because their children aren't comfortable with it (as in my case) or because they, themselves don't like it and that's OK too. If someone chooses to be there for their baby or child 24/7 that is driven by their relationships and personality. It should be OK for them to do that. I can't think of any adults who are still living at home because their parents didn't let them do sleepovers as a child.

I don't understand why we need to imply that people who make different choices either don't love their children enough or are suffocating them.

If our children are individuals and we are individuals, we will make individual choices. Thank heavens we do because I don't want to live in a world where we all do the same.

[exoticfruits]

He might just feel a residential trip is unnecessary at this at this age

Beyond clothing, food and a roof over your head nothing is actually 'necessary'. Birthday parties, presents, going swimming, having a holiday etc are not 'necessary' but people do them. The norm in this country is that children from about 8yrs go on residential trips. If you come from abroad and are more than a visitor then you go with the norm. I had a friend who took her family to live in US-the intention was to stay there. There was a lot that she and her DH didn't like that was the norm with US children. They came back to UK-they felt that it wasn't fair to bring DCs up in a country if you were going to make them odd by sticking to what was the norm in your own country and not letting them take part.
Over protective parents are always going to insist it is in the DCs best interests-no matter what anyone says.

[LoopaDeLoopa]

b4bunnies Seriously, you booked into a B&B where your DD stayed? Really?

[idshagphilspencer]

My bil still lives at home , has few friends, no job and poor social skills for some reason mil chose to keep him so close to her that he now can't cope without her. He is 35. It does happen Goldmandra :(

[WorriedMummy73]

DD (now 11) has had one overnight trip and two two-night trips since being in Juniors. I made it entirely her choice each time. I explained that we would be unable to collect her if she got homesick, etc and let her have a think. When she decided she wanted to go, I paid for the trips. I think it's important to take into consideration what they want to do as well as what we want to impose on them. I did come across parents who were very 'we won't be letting them go' and their children were not happy! Yes, trips aren't necessary, but if they want to go and they'll be in safe and secure hands, and it's affordable, why deny them?

[exoticfruits]

Other people don't do it, either because their children aren't comfortable with it (as in my case) or because they, themselves don't like it and that's OK too

If the child isn't comfortable with it then don't do it. If you don't like it (and it is perfectly reasonable like a weekend with granny, a Brownie camp) and the child wants to do it then hide it from them. Mine have done lots of things that I don't like e.g. rock climbing, caving-but I would never say so-it wouldn't be OK-it is my problem to deal with and not their problem.

[exoticfruits]

DS2 was terrible at staying away from home-he wanted to go, but we often collected him at about 11pm, without making him feel bad about it.Gradually he got better and was absolutely fine and confident. It would never have happened had we said 'DS is a homebird he doesn't do trips.'

[Hulababy]

Well done thebody. I remember reading your posts before and the incident your DD was involved in :( Very brave decision by you to let DD go on another trip relatively soon after too. You must have been on edge the whole time. I hope your DD had a lovely time with her friends and it is has in someway helped her, not get over, but maybe move on a little and build some new good memories of school trips away.

[exoticfruits]

Some people put their DCs through miseries that are entirely unnecessary-like dripping tears as they get on a coach rather than cheerfully waving them off.
I remember one year 6 DD who was in a terrible state because she really, really wanted to go on the school residential week,but she was nervous. She kept saying to me 'I haven't even done a sleep over' and you think what was the mother thinking of -why hadn't she let go gradually. In the end she went and had a wonderful time but she went through hell first because as someone put it 'Mrs X keeps those girls tied to her apron strings'. She was most likely the sort of mother who hadn't been out for 11 yrs because she wouldn't get a babysitter.

[thebody]

Ah thanks hulababy, she had a lovely time and its helped both the girls and the parents to take the steps needed to rationalise and recover.

[Hulababy]

That's great to her thebody. I hope it continues for them, and you too.

[Goldmandra]

idshag

How do you know that it isn't because he is like this that she didn't push him to do more? Perhaps he would have been like that anyway and the support he gets living at home with his mother is what enables him to cope.

IMO if children feel suffocated they fly the nest and keep their distance when they are old enough. I doubt that your MIL could have stopped him making friends by keeping him close.

It's very easy to criticise other people's parenting when your are judging it against the needs of your own children, not theirs.

[Hulababy]

Goldmandra I think it is very different if the child is the one making the choice not to go. But when the child is keen to go but it is one or both parents trying to restrict them, that's where the problems lie. And when one parent is happy for it to happen and the other the opposite it is even more so. Which parent "wins?" Or maybe sometimes it really is best for the child (the OP's dd is 9y after all, not a baby) to decide.

[Goldmandra]

Hulababy I was bemoaning the fact that posters always start accusing each other of being terrible parents when it becomes apparent that their parenting styles are different.

We all make different judgments because we are different people with different children. People are not wrong simply because they make different decisions.

In the OP's case I think she's done the right thing by being open with her DH about her views and her intention to take him at his word and send her DD off on the trip.

There may be other families where both parents decide they don't want the child to go because this isn't normal and run of the mill in their culture. It's a shame that their children miss out but it doesn't make them bad parents and the children concerned may have different opportunities because of their parents cultural background which children from other cultures miss out on.

[pointythings]

Goldmandra I do actually have a problem with parents who won't allow a child to go on residentials for spurious reasons. They aren't acting in the best interests of their child, they are putting their own fears ahead of what is best for their child. Being the only one who doesn't go on one of these trips may not be an enormous issue from an adult perspectgive, but from a child's pov it is enormous.

I think that if you choose to live in a country where this kind of thing is common, and send your child to school there, then you have to adapt. Just as you have to learn the language, obey the laws, and all that. And I say this as someone who is not native to the UK.

[exoticfruits]

But when the child is keen to go but it is one or both parents trying to restrict them, that's where the problems lie
That is indeed the problem. I agree 100%with pointythings.

The smothered DD that I know has gone to the other side of the world to live-presumably to get out of any 'obligations'-she won't see them very often now.

[Goldmandra]

The smothered DD that I know has gone to the other side of the world to live-presumably to get out of any 'obligations'-she won't see them very often now.

Exactly. These parents might damage their future relationships with their children by restricting their activities but they won't affect their development and make them unable to leave home or be independent. My MIL is reaping the benefit of doing exactly that right now. DH lives 150 miles away and visits about twice a year. BIL lives in Sydney. They aren't damaged. They just cut the strings themselves when they were ready.

Countries where it isn't normal to send children away for overnights don't produce whole generations of adults who are tied to their mothers' apron strings, unable to function independently.

pointythings do you really feel entitled to decide how much risk other parents should expose their children to? Parents who feel that these residentials are too risky are doing what they believe is best for their child just as you are by sending yours. You feel differently from them and therefore feel free to label them bad parents. Why not just a accept that they are making the judgments which are appropriate to their own situations?

It's a shame for the children to miss out but it's not a total disaster. Mine missed out last year because the school staff wouldn't make provision for her additional needs and I didn't feel able to encourage her to attend without that provision. She was sad but she got over it and this year she's at a better school who will do what it takes to enable her to attend.

[lljkk]

Could you elaborate, Greythorne? Very intrigued.

[pointythings]

Goldmandra yes, I do. Where parents decide, as in your case, that the school is not offering provision for additional needs then I have no problem, but when the grounds are entirely spurious, based on sentiment and not on risk, then yes. I don't label them bad parents, I label them parents who are incapable of acting appropriately and sensibly in this particular situation. And they need to take responsibility for the consequences of their behaviour.

What you did for your DD was right and based on what was best for her, but the OP has not mentioned additional needs, and her DH's reaction is entirely emotional and not based on any rational argument. If we all stuck to 'but we never used to do it this way' we'd all still be stuck in the stone age. If you choose to send your child to a UK state school, you have to be prepared to adapt to that environment and engage fully.