To Send DD on a School Trip

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

...even though my husband is refusing to let her go?

Our DD is nearly 9 and this year they are having a school residential trip for 2 nights to an activity centre. DD really wants to go as all her friends are going and I think it would be great for her too.

DH on the other hand says there is no way she is allowed to go, that she is just a baby and that she can't be away from us overnight.

I think he is being totally unreasonable, she isn't a baby and if she doesn't go not only will she miss out on a great experience but she will feel left out because all her friends are going.

We have argued and argued about it he wont budge in but I am now thinking of just paying the deposit and saying she can go anyway in the hope I can convince him later.

Would that be wrong? I know it will cause more arguments but she has been so upset at the thought of not being able to go.

[BellaVita]

Good lord, he needs to get a grip. In a couple of years time she will be going to secondary school.

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

There hasn't been a meeting yet, which I think is a bit wrong as I think parents should really know what is going to happen before they pay up. But anyway.

I won't be doing anything behind his back, I will tell him I will pay the deposit and then that he needs to come to the meeting or talk to one of the teachers.

I just hope I can win him round in the end..

[MamaBear17]

I think your dh is being very over protective, but, you really do need to come to these decisions together. If the centre is only an hour away why don't you suggest a visit together - he might feel better if he has seen the place? You can ring up and ask to visit most of these types of places.

[thegreylady]

may I suggest your dd stays overnight just once with a relative-your parents perhaps before the trip. That should reassure your dh and would also help your dd a little.

[Arithmeticulous]

I think he's unreasonable because he's made this grand announcement without actually finding anything out about the trip. It's hardly an informed decision, is it?

[Goldmandra]

I would suggest that you don't pay the deposit behind his back. It will probably just make him angry and more determined to stop her going and you don't want your DD stuck in the middle.

I would go and see the head teacher and explain the situation. Ask them to hold a place for her without a deposit because you can't go behind your DH's back but you believe that your DD really needs this opportunity to develop her independence. Then ask them how they can help you to get your DH on side.

You need to find a way to work together to solve this problem, not just for this trip but for sleepovers with friends and future trips. If you end up escalating the conflict it will just make the whole thing harder to solve.

[lilackaty]

If your dd does get to go, please make sure that she stays somewhere overnight first. I ran a residential last year and the children that hadn't stayed away from home really struggled. It would be awful if you fought for her to go & then she wasn't able to stay. Just seen that thegreylady has also said that.
He really needs to speak to someone at school about it. Does the residential place have a website he could look at? Good Luck.

[tiredaftertwo]

I see you said she has never stayed overnight without you - and he feels she should not. I can see that if he thinks sleepovers with one trusted friend are not OK, then a school residential will be very hard. I think the first step is to show him somehow that many, many girls of this age go to sleepovers without their parents - it is perfectly normal, respectable, safe, and considered an important of growing up for most children. Many schools have week long trips in year 6, and even more crucially in year 7. To miss the year 7 trip could be really upsetting and damaging.

I think if he could accept that bit, then maybe reassurance about the specifics of the trip might help, and I hope the school will be helpful and not too hardline about sticking to rules about phones or whatever in your dd's case.

[SomeBear]

Has your DH given an indication of what age your DD will be when she is allowed to sleep away from the house? Your DH may have valid reasons to be against this trip, but I think they need to be addressed rather than pandered to. Your DD is half way to being an adult already and most definitely not a baby. She will be at secondary in 2 years!

I have 3 DCs, all have been on school residential trips from the age of 8 - it's giving them opportunities to cement friendships and also do activities we can never offer them.

[issypiggle]

the whole point of these residential trips are so they can grow as a person, not only that, you get 2 nights of freedom!!!

no didnt mean that

i was in brownies/guide etc and went on overnight stays from 8, it did me no hassle, they were never far away and the parents could always come and collect.

could your dh chat to parents that have sent their children on the trip before to get the ins and outs of the trip.

i agree with an earlier post first that your dd should spend a night away first, even if it's at a friends house for a sleep over.

[Lancelottie]

'I think part of it is because he never did anything like that as a child, he wasn't born in the UK and he thinks it odd that anyone should let their child stay away overnight.'

Hmm, that does go some way to explain it.

A friend of ours was equally adamant that his daughters would not be going on the school residential trip and that it was an absurd thing to do. We pointed out that he'd been sent to boarding school in a different country! from the age of 9.

He decided that two nights of 'boarding school' was actually OK, rather than thinking of it as a sort of all-night party for 9-yr-olds.

[Lancelottie]

Must say, though, that you need to listen to any good reasons he has for thinking that your daughter is less mature than others the same age. One of our boys, in retrospect, was too immature to cope well at 9. What is your girl like?

[Lancelottie]

What we had to do with our older son (who has significant SEN) was to practise the trip by slow degrees rehearse getting on a coach, packing and unpacking, bedmaking, knowing where your stuff has gone, remembering your own toothbrushing not that he did I suspect-- , going to sleep without a light if that's unusual, and all the other bits that go into building up independence. We started small with an overnight at a friend's, too

On the first resi, we went too and he only did the daytime. On the next one, he did the lot. The following year he went on a Tall Ships cruise involving real Mild Peril and loved it.

With our younger boy, we breezily thought, 'Oh, he'll be fine,' without doing any of the above -- and he really struggled.

The (rambling) point here is that independence is necessary and needs to be built up, rather than saying 'she'll never cope' and making sure she doesn't.

[Lancelottie]

(Why does Autocorrect want to put 'sharpshooting' instead of 'toothbrushing'?)

[GettingObsessive]

I agree with the approach you are taking OP. If he still refuses, I would expect him to be the one to explain to your DD why he is not letting her go (and none of this "your mother and I" crap).

[Floggingmolly]

None of them ever do sharpshooting tooth brushing, lancelottie, I'm surprised my dd came back with any teeth left.

[Lancelottie]

Sharpshooting would probably be the more popular option. But OP's DH might have slightly more grounds for objecting to it.

[Mandy2003]

DS won the prize for tidiest room - he didn't unpack anything I so lovingly packed and spent the whole week in the same clothes day and night!! Not even sure he washed either

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

I'd be tempted to point out to my DH if he were being this ridiculous, that he'd have no say over what I let her do if we were seperated, and the type of control he is trying to exhibit is exactly the sort of thing that could lead to a seperation.

[SooticaTheWitchesCat]

Lancelottie, I think he would be quite happy for her to never stay away from home until she was 25! he does find it very odd that anyone would let their child stay away from home even at a friends and that is what I am finding it hard to get past. I am worried that even if he does talk to the teachers and they can convince him that it is safe and that she will be well supervised he will still say no just because he doesn't want her to be away.

She is really quite sensible and I think she would cope very well, she would definitely brush her teeth

[lljkk]

I am desperate to know what country OP's DH hails from.

I did not think that any nationality could be more protective of their children than the British are.

[UrbanPrincess]

Your OH is being a control freak and completely unreasonable.

Pay the deposit.

Let her go, she will love it.

What on earth does he think will happen to her? All night raves and drug taking? He needs to learn to let go and she is NOT A BABY!

[UrbanPrincess]

Just to add ... my friends DD went on one of these trips at the same age. She has CF and her mum had huge additional worries over her meds, physio etc but she planned it all, spoke to the staff, made contingency plans and her DD had an amazing time.

It's about letting your children explore the world without mum or dad looking over your shoulder constantly ... however hard that might be for a parent.

[Goldmandra]

He needs to learn to let go and she is NOT A BABY!

If the OP pays the deposit and organises for her DD to go against his wishes that isn't him letting go and it could escalate the situation and make it far more upsetting for the child.

Learning to let go means cooperating in the process.

Obviously we don't know the ins and outs of the OP's relationship but I can't imagine that her going behind his back, riding roughshod over his rights as a parent will make anything better.

Of course he is being unreasonable but he may feel very anxious about this. There are better ways to go about managing this situation.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

DH is North African and he never went on residential trips when he was a child. He did think it strange when DS1 went away aged 8 (PGL) but he did accept that DS1 would be alright and that it wouldn't be good for him to be the only one who didn't go. Needless to say DS1 had a great time and talked about nothing else for days when he got back.