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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 20yo shouldn't be 'seeing' someone in his 30s

152 replies

minimarshmallow81 · 02/02/2013 00:45

My younger sister had lunch with me today (read, she met me on my lunch break and I paid for a meal- probably the first portion of veg she's had in weeks given she's a student) and she casually informed me she's been on a few dates with somebody. She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her. All was going well until I asked her if he was on her course. She then (again, very casually) informed me that he wasn't and he was in fact in his early 30s.

I get that she's an adult and I get that she can see whoever she wants but I can't help but think that it sounds rather sleazy for a man in his 30s to be interested in a girl who's only a second year student. How can they have anything in common? And how can they have an equal relationship if she's a skint student and he's a fairly well-of businessman.

She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well...

OP posts:
manicbmc · 02/02/2013 00:47

What? Confused

She's an adult and she's going out with another adult? Oh the horror.

usualsuspect · 02/02/2013 00:50

Are you serious?

lalabaloo · 02/02/2013 00:51

Really? I don't think there is anything wrong with that, as long as she is happy in the relationship and they are both adults then age doesn't matter surely!

Petsinmypudenda · 02/02/2013 00:52

Eh? Can we only go out with people our own age?

Dominodonkey · 02/02/2013 00:52

YABU - So there is an approximately 12 year age gap between adults? Unless she is particularly vulnerable, for some reason you don't want to mention, you sound a little bit unhinged.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2013 00:52

Thank God for you OP

You're the giver of veg and one day she'll be truly thankful for that.

As for the relationship 'advice', yes please give it to her but only when she's assured you she'll make an MN account and tell us all her reply....

BreconBeBuggered · 02/02/2013 00:53

The one thing guaranteed to not end well is any conversation expressing your reservations about a man you haven't even met.

Booyhoo · 02/02/2013 00:56

what would you say to her?

"hey little sis, i know you think you're all growed up but this is a real scary grown up man, and he'll want to have sex and all sorts. i think you should stick to boys your own age who dont know what to do with it. now eat your veg"

BookWormery · 02/02/2013 00:56

You are being hugely unreasonable.

SirBoobAlot · 02/02/2013 00:57

Oh do fuck off.

You wonder why she doesn't talk to you about her love life? You're still treating her like a bloody child. She's an adult, you tit.

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 00:57

Aye, has nowt to do wi' you.

Can you think of any reasons why she might not discuss her relationships with you?

PureQuintessence · 02/02/2013 00:57

I had a relationship when I was 18, with a 32 year old man, I was in my last year of flippin A levels!

I moved to London to study when I was 20, and if my sister had bought me veg and told me who I could date, I would have flippin told her where to stick her debit/credit card!

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 00:57

Or what SirB said Grin

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 02/02/2013 00:59

Omg you looper. Leave her alone.

SirBoobAlot · 02/02/2013 01:01

Not feeling my most subtle tonight Agent Grin

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2013 01:02

Personally I think her choice of men is down to her lack of 5-a-day.

HopAndSkip · 02/02/2013 01:03

At the risk of getting flamed here, I'm going to go slightly against the general theme here... I agree OP that it's a bit of an age gap with certain people at 20.
It depends on her maturity really though, if she is quite sensible, and future orientated then maybe he's seeing that in her and looking ahead to when she finishes her course. But if she is into the clubbing, drinking, nights out side of uni I would worry slightly that he was just seeing it as bit of fun/leading her on.
You will be able to tell a bit more if you meet him really though, so try not to judge beforehand.

Original poster
minimarshmallow81 · 02/02/2013 01:03

So the overwhelming consensus is leave her to it? Will do.
FYI- I don't care if she's having (hopefully safe) sex, it's just the idea of my much younger sister dating a man older than me weirds me out. Shouldn't she be dating feckless students who's idea of romance is warm cider and some horrible indie music?
(I feel really conservative now!)

OP posts:
Lyrasilvertongued · 02/02/2013 01:04

Dearie me, I met my DH originally when I was 16 and he 26 - didn't get together properly until 8 years later, but clearly our marriage and the relationship with the father of my child won't end well as we got together properly when I was early 20s and he in his 30s. Sad I better go and tell him that when he's finished seeing to dd

Original poster
minimarshmallow81 · 02/02/2013 01:05

HopAndSkip- She's quite mature (went through a lot as a teenager) but isn't very future-orientated, she's happy being a student with no responsibilities and has no interest in work/career goals.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 02/02/2013 01:06

"I would worry slightly that he was just seeing it as bit of fun/"

at 20, why would she want anything more than a bit of fun? Confused

fallenangle · 02/02/2013 01:07

Ok, I nearly fell for it, its either a wind up or the OP meant early eighties.

Booyhoo · 02/02/2013 01:07

"Shouldn't she be dating feckless students who's idea of romance is warm cider and some horrible indie music? "

does that sound appealing to you?

manicbmc · 02/02/2013 01:11

Bleurgh to warm cider Grin

HopAndSkip · 02/02/2013 01:12

booyhoo The "getting starstruck by the lifestyle he's showing her" bit made me think maybe she was talking about it as a more serious/long term thing.

mini hopefully she's not expecting too much if shes quite settled with the student life for now then.
She's likely to get hurt at some point by a relationship, and it's bound to be hard for you to see when it does happen as she's your little sister, but there's not really too much you can do unfortunately, you're best off staying supportive with her choices and just being there in case things do end badly.