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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 20yo shouldn't be 'seeing' someone in his 30s

152 replies

minimarshmallow81 · 02/02/2013 00:45

My younger sister had lunch with me today (read, she met me on my lunch break and I paid for a meal- probably the first portion of veg she's had in weeks given she's a student) and she casually informed me she's been on a few dates with somebody. She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her. All was going well until I asked her if he was on her course. She then (again, very casually) informed me that he wasn't and he was in fact in his early 30s.

I get that she's an adult and I get that she can see whoever she wants but I can't help but think that it sounds rather sleazy for a man in his 30s to be interested in a girl who's only a second year student. How can they have anything in common? And how can they have an equal relationship if she's a skint student and he's a fairly well-of businessman.

She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well...

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 01:13

In my 20's I saw a couple of blokes who were quite a bit older than me, and also had a fair measure of feckless idiots, and it's unfair of you to think this bloke might not be a feckless waste of space.

You can be old and feckless Wink

Sometimes experience and a good lifestyle can offer you more than spontaneity and firm buns.

SirBoobAlot · 02/02/2013 01:13

Yes warm cider, casual sex and shit music sounds much better doesn't it?

Bugger that.

I'm 21. My DP is more than double my age. I'll stick to our nights discussing philosophy, watching operas, learning about history and the rest, thanks.

CaseyShraeger · 02/02/2013 01:16

A good friend of mine did this at about that age (or might have been slightly younger). Over 20 years on they are still happily married with two children (both children under 10, so they didn't rush into children). I think you need to keep your opinions to yourself.

Booyhoo · 02/02/2013 01:16

the ones that fucked me over were all my age or younger.

RozziRaspberry · 02/02/2013 01:16

I was 19 and seeing someone in his 30's fastforward 15 years and we are still together, married with 3 dchildren and still very happy and FYI I probably wasn't at the time getting my 5 a day but I thankfully survived Grin

SirBoobAlot · 02/02/2013 01:18

Same here Booyhoo... I'm totally with the OPs younger sister. I can't manage lads my own age.

fallenangle · 02/02/2013 01:21

rozzi maybe OP is worried that a man in his thirties can't manage 5 a day.

Pickles101 · 02/02/2013 01:25

There's 24 years between me and my partner, but I daren't tell you our ages...

TheCatInTheHairnet · 02/02/2013 01:26

SirBoobalot, your post made me shudder more than the OP!! And I got married young!!

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 01:51

FFS mind your own business! It doesn't sound like she's serious about this man anyway, why shouldn't she have some fun and a few shags with anyone she likes? People in one's own age group can be arseholes as well.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 01:52

I am 48 and idly contemplating the possibility of a date or two with a 25-year-old BTW.

Morloth · 02/02/2013 01:53

I think 20 year olds can date anyone they like, as long as the other person is also an adult.

Their business.

robbins · 02/02/2013 02:15

I was 22 went I started dating my partner she was in her 30s still together almost 7 years later & very happy - as long as your sister is not vulnerable & he is not taking advantage then its none of your business leave her alone

GlitterySkulls · 02/02/2013 02:18

Hmm i was much younger than her & seeing men in their 40's- i'd mind your own on this op unless you want to alienate her.

andubelievedthat · 02/02/2013 02:27

most likely "older" guy has wooed sis with a chilled bottle of Blue Nun !

AgentZigzag · 02/02/2013 02:30

Good point about the vulnerability robbins.

I think I was a bit vulnerable and unconsciously looking for something, which isn't a problem unless you happen upon a predatory male who's also looking for something, but not as benign as you'd hope for.

Some minds just fit together regardless of the body's ages, but then some men are not beyond using their experience and better financial position to seek out someone younger who can't see through the veneer these things can create.

Maybe all relationships are a trade off of one thing or another though?

OTTMummA · 02/02/2013 02:33

You think that's bad, you should of seen my mums face when on Sunday 'Lil Sis' (19) bought home her new bf (43) who actually looked more like 60 really, mum was only a few yrs older than him, don't know how she didn't swing for him Grin
Really though I would just leave her be, if you start getting all opinionated now she probably won't talk to you about it again.

OTTMummA · 02/02/2013 02:35

one Sunday

FreePeaceSweet · 02/02/2013 02:37

You did inform the church elders didn't you? Shock What did they say?

nillynoon · 02/02/2013 05:31

I was 23 and my husband 38 when we met. Married for nearly 2 years now with a three-month old baby, and we've got plenty in co.Mon. YABU

nillynoon · 02/02/2013 05:34

'Common' - stupid bloody kindle

Fairylea · 02/02/2013 05:40

Ehhhh ???

This is madness.

I met my dh when he was back at his mum's on a uni break. He was early 20s. I was mid 30s with (the horror) a 6 year old dd. I had my own house, a difficult ex and a mum from hell :)

We were perfect for each other and moved in together a year later.

Fast forward some years later, we are married, I am a sahm and we have a 7month old ds.

Was he too young for me?

Judgy pants.

MidnightMasquerader · 02/02/2013 06:17

I remember when I was 16 and had a brief flingette with a 19 year old. Massive age gap when you're that age/as naive as I was.

Looking back, I'm fairly certain my parents were horrified. But did they let on for a second? They did not. The 'romance' fizzled it out before it had time to even get revved up.

Only way to play it.

RantyMcRantpants · 02/02/2013 06:34

My DH was 15 and I was 25 when I first met him. He was 19 and I was 29 when we started dating. He was 23 and I was 33 when we got married. We now have 3 children and will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary this year.

How do you feel about them apples OP??

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/02/2013 06:39

' She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her.'

'She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well'

See the connection? She's old enough to explore her relationships without you guiding her into 'acceptable' channels.
FWIW my DD is at uni and despairs of the number of fellow students who have become bed-hopping shagmonsters with no respect, no foreplay and no conversation other than trivial. I can see her finding an older man far more acceptable.