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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 20yo shouldn't be 'seeing' someone in his 30s

152 replies

minimarshmallow81 · 02/02/2013 00:45

My younger sister had lunch with me today (read, she met me on my lunch break and I paid for a meal- probably the first portion of veg she's had in weeks given she's a student) and she casually informed me she's been on a few dates with somebody. She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her. All was going well until I asked her if he was on her course. She then (again, very casually) informed me that he wasn't and he was in fact in his early 30s.

I get that she's an adult and I get that she can see whoever she wants but I can't help but think that it sounds rather sleazy for a man in his 30s to be interested in a girl who's only a second year student. How can they have anything in common? And how can they have an equal relationship if she's a skint student and he's a fairly well-of businessman.

She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well...

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/02/2013 06:47

Why would you wish warm cider and horrible indie music on anyone, let alone your own sister...

15 year age diff between my mum and dad. They had 33 solid years together.

Nagoo · 02/02/2013 06:47

Are you jealous? Perhaps you would like a nice 30odd yer old boyfriend op? Wink

Don't judge him by his age. -wait until you've met him and judge everything else--

mathanxiety · 02/02/2013 06:49

Otoh, there was a 2 year age diff between exH and myself. Notice that EX bit..

JeezyOrangePips · 02/02/2013 07:20

When I was 18-24 the age group I was attracted to was almost invariably 10-12 years older than me. I stop at 24 because by then I'd settled with a 10.5 years older man.

I can assure you that there was nothing weird or freaky or untoward with the relationship. Just two people that wanted to be together. We did split, but it was 14 years and two wonderful kids later.

Fifi782005 · 02/02/2013 07:27

Lyra - me and DH met at those ages also (16 & 26) and 19 years later still together and we both get our five a day !! Grin

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 02/02/2013 07:30

WhennI was 21 I was seeing someone of 35. We now have 2 children and have been together 17 years!

Clearly, we have nothing in common thoughHmm

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/02/2013 07:33

Interesting that there have been a couple of recent threads with an older woman having sex with a younger man with very different responses.

ChristmasJubilee · 02/02/2013 08:02

16.5 years between myself and dh (of 21 years) and I've always had my 5 a day.

Get a grip!

ImagineJL · 02/02/2013 08:05

I'll no doubt get a massive flaming for this, but I do sometimes think big age gaps are a bit disturbing. It very much depends on the people involved.

Some women are more mature than their contemporaries, so have lots in common with older men, and can have happy and equal partnerships with them.

But sometimes it's not like that. I've come across relationships in which the man wants control, so is happier with younger less savvy women that he can boss around and patronise. Women their own age are too much of a challenge for them, which I think is a bit pathetic to be honest.

But, with your sister, I certainly wouldn't say anything to her about your thoughts. If she's happy, then be happy for her and be glad she's opening up to you a bit. And you certainly shouldn't despair of it all until you've met him - they might be perfect together.

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/02/2013 08:07

'But sometimes it's not like that. I've come across relationships in which the man wants control, so is happier with younger less savvy women that he can boss around and patronise. Women their own age are too much of a challenge for them, which I think is a bit pathetic to be honest.'

likewise

But sometimes it's not like that. I've come across relationships in which the woman wants control, so is happier with younger less savvy men that she can boss around and patronise. Men their own age are too much of a challenge for them, which I think is a bit pathetic to be honest.

BinksToEnlightenment · 02/02/2013 08:08

It's lovely that you care about her. It's lovely that you're worried. You don't have to be, but there's nothing wrong with a big sister being protective.

MamaGeekChic · 02/02/2013 08:11

Seriously?!

When I was 22/23 I had a brief relationship with a 37yo and a longer one (we're still friends) with a 30yo. I would have been incredulous had anyone suggested I shouldn't because of my age. My younger sister (22) has just moved in with her 31yo boyfriend...

Mind your own beeswax!!

poachedeggs · 02/02/2013 08:16

At 21 I was a "feckless student" and began a relationship with a 31 year old man.

We've been together ten years, we've two young DC and we're now married. There's nothing predatory about the old goat Grin

chrome100 · 02/02/2013 08:18

I'm 31 and my OH is 22. We have been together 2 years. Age is just a number.

differentnameforthis · 02/02/2013 08:20

Shouldn't she be dating feckless students who's idea of romance is warm cider and some horrible indie music?

Urgh! That would be a huge turn off for any self respecting woman. Let her alone.

DreamingOfTheMaldives · 02/02/2013 08:26

When I was 21 I began seeing a man who was 33. He was the elsest of a group of people who had become friends; the group varied in ages and I was the youngest.

We've now been together for nearly 13 years, married for 6 and are expecting out first baby.

As long as he is a good man, who treats her well and respects her then leave her alone.

I bet she won't be speaking to you about her love life again if you were so judgemental.

RubyrooUK · 02/02/2013 08:29

When I was 20, my boyfriend was 33. I was not vulnerable or taken advantage of...he was a loving and supportive partner who thought I was amazing and we got on brilliantly.

When we split up four years later, it had nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with our lives and work going in different directions - I moved abroad, he stayed in the UK. We couldn't overcome that distance and grew apart.

I went on to marry my DH who is 18 months older than me so I don't think I'm particularly into older men - he was just the right guy at that time.

OneHandFlapping · 02/02/2013 08:31

It doesn't sound like a relationship of equals to me. Man: Older and richer; Woman: younger and impecunious student.

I would be worried if it was my daughter sister.

Still, as others have said, she is an adult, and all you can do is be there for her if it all goes belly up.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 02/02/2013 08:35

YABU I was 19 when I got with my oh...he was 28. We're still together 17 years later.
She is an adult who can date anyone she wants too.

HecateWhoopass · 02/02/2013 08:37

There's 10 years between me and my husband. We met when I was only a few years older than your sister, and he was early 30s.

now, we've been married 14 years, I'm 39, he's 49, the kids are 12 and 13 and that 10 years doesn't seem like a big gap, does it?

When I was in my 20s, blokes my age were pathetic. Into driving around in their crappy little red cars, hanging around car parks at night Hmm and just generally behaving like kids.

No thanks.

Men in their 30s were mature enough that I didn't feel like I was a bloody babysitter. It felt more a relationship of equals than hooking up with someone of my own age ever did.

redwallday · 02/02/2013 08:41

I was going out with a 28 year old when I was 17. We've now been together for 14 years, married for 5 years and have two children together. Stop being judgemental and just support your sister.

BikeRunSki · 02/02/2013 08:41

Had MN existed in the 1960s I imagine my GM may have posted similar to the OP, about her DD (although with less concern for the veg ). In that scenario the early 20s girl and 30 something (divorced! not Catholic!) man became my parents, along with 3 other DC and were together until Dead died nearly 20 years ago. DM still says he was the most interesting person she ever met.

Maybe your sister genuinely likes this chap?

JakeBullet · 02/02/2013 08:43

Freddie Starr (in his 70s) has just married that girl young enough t be his granddaughter (early 30s).Confused I am always mindful of Tony Curtis when he married some very young woman while in his 70s. When asked about the age difference he shrugged and said tongue in cheek..."hey if she dies, she dies".

Okay so the above is a bit random but OP I think you are being a bit unreasonable....many couples will have 10 years or so between their ages.

LessMissAbs · 02/02/2013 08:43

Perhaps she sees the elder businessman as her "future career goal" OP? ;-)

Wouldn't be my personal choice, but then I can't stand older men - I find them very irritating!

ripsishere · 02/02/2013 08:53

YABU. Since he is older, and presumably has more money, he can buy her six or even seven a day.
Get a grip OP.