To think that a 20yo shouldn't be 'seeing' someone in his 30s

[minimarshmallow81]

My younger sister had lunch with me today (read, she met me on my lunch break and I paid for a meal- probably the first portion of veg she's had in weeks given she's a student) and she casually informed me she's been on a few dates with somebody. She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life so I was very excited to be having a personal conversation with her. All was going well until I asked her if he was on her course. She then (again, very casually) informed me that he wasn't and he was in fact in his early 30s.

I get that she's an adult and I get that she can see whoever she wants but I can't help but think that it sounds rather sleazy for a man in his 30s to be interested in a girl who's only a second year student. How can they have anything in common? And how can they have an equal relationship if she's a skint student and he's a fairly well-of businessman.

She treated the age as just something a little awkward and says she can't relate to 'boys'. I think she's a bit star-struck by the lifestyle he's showing her. Should I say something to her? I can't see this ending well...

[Dawndonna]

I was 34 when I met 23 year old dh. Twenty years and three children, we're still together. Should I not have considered going out with him in case I was too old?

[stripeyjimjams]

I was 21 and a student when I started seeing a 32 year old stockbroker. 6 years later, we are married and very happy together. I can see where your DS is coming from - 'boys' never appealed to me after the age of about 18. Re: warm cider and stinky student bars, remember that teenagers are doing these things when they're about 15, so your sister, like me, has probably got all that out of her system a long time ago.

So I thinks it's BU to assume things are a bit fishy due to age gap, but I cannot tell you YABU for worrying about your sister because I'm a big sister too and used to worry non-stop about my DS's awful boyfriends. But then each one of them, she agrees, was a genuine fanny and she is now a happy lesbian with a beautiful girlfriend who I adore. Don't worry for now - this relationship might not last. If it does, invite your DS and the guy out for a drink, and hopefully you'll come away with the impression that he's decent. My mum was v suspicious, initially, about what a 32 year old wanted with a 21 year old, but fell in love with my OH when she met him and now, I would guess, loves him more than me!!

[thegreylady]

My dh is 8 yrs older than me so he would have been 30 when I was 22-flipping heck op !

[aJumpedUpPantryBoy]

I was a 20 year old student when I mat DH who was in his mid thirties - there was nothing sleazy about it.
In fact, I find your opening post quite offensive.
We've been together for 23 years now so I think it ended well.

Lets face it - she could be in a relationship with someone her own age and it could end up being sleazy, sordid and messy.

[PamBeesly]

Don't be so mean about paying for her lunch and disparaging about her diet. I think being concerned about our siblings is natural however its really none of your business, keep it under your hat

[BoneyBackJefferson]

She doesn't talk to me (or any of our family) about her love life

At least we don't have to ask you why she doesn't talk to the family about this stuff.

[CaseyShraeger]

Actually, the most disturbing thing about this is that it's made me realise that I now think of early 30s as "young". I'm not sure when that happened.

[Buzzardbird]

I bet he buys her naice veg though.

[MusicalEndorphins]

If he isn't married, is of good character, and makes her happy, that is all that counts. Relax OP!

[mumandboys123]

I don't get the veg thing. I had no money as a student but prpbably ate the best I ever have cos had ti cook from scratch and make it all stretch...

[FlickeringCandle]

My sister dated someone when she was in uni and there was a 14 year age gap.

Fast forward to the present day and they have been happily married for 5 years and have a DC.

Age doesn't mean anything.

[mathanxiety]

The thing that is worrying is that she doesn't talk to her family about her love life. That is unlikely to change even if she desperately needs to talk to someone about it due to problems. If your family motto is 'I told you so' she might be miserable for a long time before deciding her family could be trusted with her tale of woe. It's more important to listen than to express your pov when someone confides in you and that confidence is unusual.

[nannyof3]

Really...

I was 17, he was 28....

Sooooooooo.... Big deal , get a life !!!!

[MyBaby1day]

YABU, 'age is just a number'

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

Yabu I'm 29 and my dp is 41 it's just a number and means nothing, she is an adult let her make her own decisions and stop being judgemental.

[Tigresswoods]

YABU. met DH when I was 19 & he was 34. Been together 13 years.

[milkandribena]

I'm bucking the trend but as a big sister (to many people) I would have an opinion on such a relationship and would make it known to that particular sibling. (whatever their gender was)
That isn't to say that they couldn't and shouldn't make their own decisions about it and completely have the right to as well.
I agree to many age is just a number but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be concerned or reserved about it, call it protectiveness in some way.

But as siblings we tell each other these sort of things and we would expect the others to have a vocal opinion on what the others do in everything.

[EauRouge]

I was 21 when I met 33yo DH. We will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary this year with our two DDs.

Why not ask to meet him first before you get your judgy knickers in a twist about the age gap?

[firesidechat]

I don't get the veg thing. I had no money as a student but prpbably ate the best I ever have cos had ti cook from scratch and make it all stretch...

Agree with this. Youngest is currently at uni and eats fantastic homecooked meals with lots of veg. Last time she came home she seemed to have developed a strange love for swede. Very odd.

Not all students live off Pot Noodle thank goodness.

As to the age difference thing, I think you need to relax. Husband is 7 years older than me and I'm very thankful. Lads my age just weren't mature enough.

[HannahsSister40]

I wouldn't dream of saying anything about a relationship with a big age gap. But yes, I'd wonder (privately) what a 20 year old and a 30 something guy had in common. Such a chasm in experience between 20 and 30 something. My sister is 35 and with a guy who is mid fifties, 2 kids. Have I said anything? Not a word. Do I judge? A little. He's controlling, talks to her like she's his daughter, makes every decision around the house and get mistaken for her dad in public. Also, he'll be 70 something when their youngest is 18.
I absolutely wouldn't say anything though.

[HildaOgden]

You are being unreasonable.And judgemental.And silly too.

I like the sound of your sister,sounds like she is happy with her life.Are you jealous that she isn't as responsible uptight as you seem to be?

[HannahsSister40]

Hilda, all humans have private feelings, private opinions, private thoughts...whether they express them or not is something else entirely. it doesnt automatically follow that you must be uptight or jealous to have a bad feeling about something. We can't help the thoughts we have. We can decide whether to verbalise them or not.

[doyouwantfrieswiththat]

OOh it's all a bit fifty shades, you make sure she doesn't sign one of those contract thingies, I hear there's a lot of it about.



My brothers spent my university days warning me off men who were only after one thing, dammit if only I'd realised I might be after it too.

[SparkyDudess]

I was 19 when I started going out with my then 30 year old DH - give it a chance.

[feelingdizzy]

I was 24 when I met and marrried a 43 year old man.He did turn out to be a total knob,but that wasn't age related.