If you had one fish whose face would you like to slap? (Lighthearted)

[Ginandtonicandamassageplease]

There is another mum at a group I go to with DS who I would really like to slap around the face with a wet fish!! She actively discourages her DC from sharing, has the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp all the time and winces if another child lets out anything louder than a whisper. Last week she really took the biscuit when I said hello to her when she arrived. She looked at me and then walked straight past!! I'm about to leave for the same group and struggling not to put a whole fish in my handbag? AIBU? If not, what fish should I use?!!

Definitely mackeral! Thay make a satisfying slapping sound and smell nicely as well! YANBU

All of One Direction with a really smelly old mackerel.

Catherine Jenkins. Just because she comes across as a lot bit fake.

Can I put some people in a line and do a running fish slap? I want to share the love

I agree with mackerel as the fish to use!

George Osborne. I had the opportunity to fish-slap him last Saturday, too bad I did not have a fish.

That Helen on I'm a Celeb. She kept patting her lips all the time, so IMO that is asking for a bloody great fish slapping.

Chris Maloney with something reasonably big and weighty. A monkfish perhaps?

I'd go for monkfish - more firm and bulky than a mackerel so you'd get a nice thwack.

cross post!

Nanfucker Christopher Maloney from X Factor please.
Though there'll be a long, long queue, I'm happy to wait.

Im going with Helen from I'm a Celeb too, mind you it would probably only serve to "enhance" that startled look she constantly has

Or the cook on there (can't remember her name off hand), it might stun her into silence for a few mins.

Anton Du Beke.

Adele. With a swordfish. Or a large tin of tuna. Or even a large tuna, they are massive right? Can I use a frozen one actually?

She really just annoys me, looks like a right bitch. I can see her at school as the second ringleader in the bully gang.

Or Cheryl Cole. Really, yeah, and Cheryl Cole. Awful awful urgh.

Can I get them to stand next to each other and kind of swing it back and forth?

I would slap Andrew Hunt and anyone else trying to close Lewisham Hospital and I am shamelessly linking to the thread discussing the matter.

Louis Walsh

But if I get a genuinely lighthearted one as well (greedy) then Gregg Wallace in Masterchef Professionals - what is he for? He just shovels a load of pudding in and goes "Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh yeeahhh" and makes sex noises, and steals screen time from the infinitely more knowledgeable and luffly Michel Roux Jr.

DDs class alpha mothers. With a tilapia.

I'd love to give Nigel Slater a proper stinger with a firm, oily mackerel. I bet he'd get tearful and wobbly-chinned then use the mackerel for a posh 'supper'

Two ladies in front of me at a cafe cooing over how sweet it was they sold tea and did they have camomile fuss fuss and should they have fat free muffin how sweet they were fuss fuss, no you are slimmer, wow you are so beautiful, what a great figure. They finally had a bottle of water each. server was very clenched:)

I loudly ordered full fat latte and a snickers bar:)

I'd use a whale shark.

and smack just about everyone at the moment

Geri "ginger spice" Halliwell would get a slap, she gets right on my tits.

Ed Balls. Have wanted to slap for ages. I think there would most definitely be a satisfying thwack and would be watching until his jowels stopped wobbling.

Justin bieber. Repeatedly with the tail end of an electric eel.

Ah, just the one?

Ooooh this is hard to choose, but I'll pick...

...Peter Andre

I could use a trawler-load of fish for all the slebs I'd like to slap.