If you had one fish whose face would you like to slap? (Lighthearted)

[Ginandtonicandamassageplease]

There is another mum at a group I go to with DS who I would really like to slap around the face with a wet fish!! She actively discourages her DC from sharing, has the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp all the time and winces if another child lets out anything louder than a whisper. Last week she really took the biscuit when I said hello to her when she arrived. She looked at me and then walked straight past!! I'm about to leave for the same group and struggling not to put a whole fish in my handbag? AIBU? If not, what fish should I use?!!

Marco Pierre White - he irritated me beyond belief when he was on Australian Masterchef recently. Dh had to restrain me as I leapt up and down gibbering with rage at every single thing he said or did - well, every single time he breathed or appeared on the screen.

There is a long list of other candidates, though - the kids who bullied me at school, the woman at choir who bitches about concert dates needing to be changed (when the conductor has an engagement that he is obliged to go to as part of his degree, and didn't know about it when the dates were set), anyone who doesn't indicate when driving, ds2, for singing 'Merry Christmas Everybody' and giving me an earworm, ds3 for stropping about having to do french revision, ds1 for not phoning me from university so I know he is still alive, and dh for not having the faintest idea what he wants for his birthday on saturday, apart from a mug.

Wow that feels good!

Peter Andre and Eammon Holmes. I think it's obvious, why.

The poster on the other thread is too thick for me to care about her opinion, so no fish-slap here.

Isn't a shark a fish? I'd batter Beryl Cole with the toothy end.

Dogsmon!! On robins! That made me laugh:) Please tell me you pinned it up?

I could have got my two easily with one large fish. Frozen of course:)

Can you get fish smell in a can? I could give them a squirt if I see them again:)

I'd catch me a naice big dhufish, line my thief of a lying brother up, take a few practice shots and let fly. Then I'd hand the fish to Danny Green, and let him have a go for a few minutes, then hand him a humpback whale.

My brother is a low, beastly cad. He steals from my mum. He stole from me, too. He was trying to sell my stuff at the pawn shop when I wandered in to enquire about it.

Actually, can I replace that fish-slapping with a Right Kicking from Shady Lads?

running fish line of David Cameron, George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith, Maria Miller and Lord Freud.

Beryl Cole?!

I'd give a good slapping to all the members of Slade for having recorded the dreadful 'Merry Christmas Everyone' - a really horrible and irritating song which torments me as I do my shopping every winter. Drives me mad.

Forgot to say who I wanted to fish-slap. One of the school mums on the PTA. Is the chairperson infact. She looks down her nose at any parents on the playground who aren't part of the clique. She has a very loud voice, and is frequently heard saying, "My DCs do this, my DCs do that. MY DCs are WONDERFUL", or words to that effect.

One year, DD1 invited her DD to her birthday party. She didn't get her a present, or even a card. This year, ex-mil held a little halloween party, and let the girls invite two friends each. DD1 invited this woman's daughter. She said she would be coming, but didn't turn up,or call or text. DD was upset.

I don't just want to salmon this woman, I want to throw the whole bloody fish counter at her.

Victoria Pendleton. I don't know what it is about her, she just has that 'something' that pisses me off.

It used to be Peaches Geldof but since she's become a mum she's grown on me.

David Cameron mostly.Though it does seem a bit unfair to the poor fish

I was going to say Jenna. Why do I never get to a thread quick enough?

:o Suffolk

Seriously? Only one?

Michael Gove.

With a shark. A fucking big hungry fucking shark.

Iain Duncan Smith. rockingastocking may I use your shark when you're done beating up Gove with it?

Jeremy Clarkson, although I'm vegetarian so I'm not sure I could touch a fish without vomiting in his face. Oh well.

pointy when I am done beating up Gove with my shark, I'm afraid there will be little left. Just a bit of cartilage and possibly an eyeball.

That is, of both of the cold blooded evil fuckers.

'Call me Dave' Cameron
Christopher Baloney
My best friend's husband
Keira Knightly
Nick Grimshaw
Liz Hurley
My children as they have been right pains in the arse tonight

Fish of choice: piranha

Fair enough, rockin. In that case I shall use the business end of a stingray.

I'd like to line up all the people who have pissed me off over the last few weeks (it's been a trying time!) and run up and down the line with an inflated blowfish for 10 minutes or so.

Then, when I've finished with them, I'd like to batter (geddit? ) the stupid, hysterical woman with the Flatcoat Retriever who imagines my lovely dog is some sort of killer mutt and has completely spoiled my walking pleasure.

I feel much better after imagining that.

David Cameron, with a manta ray.

Tony Blair. Everyday for the rest of his life.