If you had one fish whose face would you like to slap? (Lighthearted)

[Ginandtonicandamassageplease]

There is another mum at a group I go to with DS who I would really like to slap around the face with a wet fish!! She actively discourages her DC from sharing, has the look of a bulldog chewing a wasp all the time and winces if another child lets out anything louder than a whisper. Last week she really took the biscuit when I said hello to her when she arrived. She looked at me and then walked straight past!! I'm about to leave for the same group and struggling not to put a whole fish in my handbag? AIBU? If not, what fish should I use?!!

Bertie Aherne, our former Prime Minister here in Ireland. I would like to swing the mackerel back and forth a few times until I was sure my aim was accurate, and then wallop him right across his ugly mug.

Jenna2012. But I'd prefer to use my fist instead of a fish.

Who is Jenna2012?

Apparently a salmon is quite satisfying for a fish-slap. DH told me that in his younger days, him and a mate were mucking about at work, where fresh goods came in for distribution. There was a whole salmon in a box. DH decided he wanted to know what it felt like to be fish-slapped, so his friend swung the fish by the tail and slapped it around DH's chops with all his might. The salmon was placed back in the box. DH said his face stung like hell, and was covered in fishy slime and scales .

Alis This is Jenna2012

India Knight.

awaits deletion

Also, no, YANBU, she sounds horrific. Use a rotten fish, a really smelly one in the latter stages if putrefaction. Maggots a bonus.

Bruce fucking Forsythe. I refuse to add the Sir.

Bono. sanctimonious fucker.

Ooooh,yeah I agree Mildred, biggest fish you can find...a tuna? I'll help you lift it

There are too many worthy candidates. I fear an entire species of fish might rapidly become extinct if I started.

Peter Andre and I would use a hammer head shark. It lives in water so technically a fish

Hammerheads. Inspired SP! The dermal denticles would cause awesome abrasions!

I was just thinking its a big fucker so should do some damage but your description sounds better

My ex manager. With a pike.

Cherie Blair........she deserves a slap round the face from a whole fish farm!

Did no one else read the title of this thread as picking one type of fish to slap?

I was about to come on here and start yelling at you all about the feelings of the poor fish! What's that trout ever done to you anyway?

One of my customers, he's a lechy old man who moans about everything, he thinks he's hilarious and has a horrid tea stained moustache, last christmas he gave me a card that he'd made on his computer and had superimposed his and his wifes faces onto a pair of robins!

I'd like to smack him with salmon, a great big tin of it.

Michael Gove, with a salmon. Salmon because Moomin's dh has already tested it and it works.

My STBX-SIL. God she is a bitch.

Katie Hopkins. With a great white shark.

Yes - with a salmon. One of the really fucking big ones. I think if I got a good swing it might actually knock her over, that would be incredibly satisfying.

The brat that bullied my 8 yo DS last year
yeah, a kid
I said it
So sue me

OP you made me think of a woman who used to go to the same small tots group as me. She had been going for ages and was all well established and territorial when I pitched up. She disliked me on first sight I think. She went to great pains to make me feel unwelcome, and made her dislike of me obvious.

However, to her annoyance I ignored her, and charmed the socks off everyone else.

I hated her face, the rude bitch, so I could've taken a sardine to her nose.

This is actually really very funny!! Pictish - it could be the same woman! I think I'm going to go with a monkfish. Might have to buy a bigger handbag to secret it in! Thanks for making me laugh everyone!