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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with partner

125 replies

Pompano · 25/10/2012 15:41

for ringing me at home 3 times, and leaving 3 messages in the space of 2 hours the other night? Surely ring once. Leave one message. Other person will return your call. Why the need for two more calls? Oh and an email asking me to ring him.
When I did ring him back, the next morning, after him leaving another mithering message on my VM, he didn't even want anything specific, just said he was wondering if I was 'alright' . WTF!
This has now escalated into a big row where everything that's annoyed either of us from the past 3 years got dragged up and we've had a big falling out.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 25/10/2012 15:42

YANBU, unless there was an emergency there's no need to ring so many times at all

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 15:54

No emergency except the one in his head - which is that I didn't jump as soon as he snapped his fingers. I think I've become 'too available' - what a cliché but I think it's true. He knows my routines too well and just expects me to be around when he wants me. Another cliché coming up, I think I need to go and 'get a life' to shake him up a bit.

correction to my OP, he left 2 messages, not 3. But he rang 3 times and when I hadn't answered the 3rd time, that's when he emailed me.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 25/10/2012 16:13

Why didn't you answer the phone?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 25/10/2012 16:16

Why are you playing games?

Is he controlling?

I ask because if my DP did that it wouldnt bother me in the slightest.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:20

Sole I didn't answer the phone because I was busy. It was 7pm on a weeknight but I had some work to do. I wanted to get it finished. I would have happily called him back after ONE message when I'd finished my work but by the time he'd rung the phone off the hook 3 times in 2 hours I was so pissed off I didn't want to talk to him.

wannabe I don't think I was playing games. I was busy. If the phone rings when I'm working at home, unless it's a work related call I often don't answer it. I have the machine on and they can leave a VM. I will call back when I'm not busy.Am I playing games if I don't answer when BT or eon or whoever else calls when I'm busy?

OP posts:

SoleSource · 25/10/2012 16:23

Still don't get it.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 25/10/2012 16:24

It took you to the next morning to ring back.

Thats not busy. A five minute phonecall would have been possible.

Im not saying you are wrong, Im just curious as to why its a problem. Do you feel stifled by him? You say he is mithering.

Sounds like you are growing out of the relationship.

gwenniebee · 25/10/2012 16:27

Sounds to me like you're playing games, even if you don't know it. What's wrong with a quick text to say "up to my ears in work - talk later?".

I often ring my DH several times without leaving a message - if I just want a chat and he's not there, I call again later. He doesn't get pissed off about it. In fact, he knows that if it's urgent I will leave a message. I'd be really hurt to think he screened my calls, or the fact that I just wanted to say hello or tell him something made him so pissed off he wouldn't speak to me.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:28

Sole Ok so you don't get it, but it's clear that you and I are different on this. If you were at home working you'd have answered. But it's my choice to not asnwer it when I'm being paid by my company to work. They're not paying me to chat with my BF. that's why I didn't. The way I see it is head down, get work done, when work is finished then I can answer non-urgent calls and make callbacks.

OP posts:

AbbyRue · 25/10/2012 16:30

The more you explain the more I think YABU.

You could have texted to acknowledge the calls but explain you were busy.

But then again, maybe this just triggered other issues you had with him.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:31

gwennie the difference is that you're married. In my case, he and I aren't married, we don't even live together. So my DP isn't 'entitled' to take up my time as and when it pleases him.
If I'm playing games, what was he doing calling over and over again?

I realise some of you don't understand why I chose not to answer the phone, but I need to understand why he kept ringing me and then emailed me. Why could he just not leave it and wait for me to return his call?
I think it felt stalker-ish and it's unsettled me.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 25/10/2012 16:33

Maybe its time to break up if he isn't "entitled" to take up 5 minutes of you time or even a minute for a quick text of 'busy working, call you tomorrow.'

Naghoul · 25/10/2012 16:36

you'd have a point about you being too available if he was asking you for something. If he was calling asking for a favour, childcare or sex or a lift or cooking or something.

But he just wanted to talk to you. He missed you, wanted to talk to you.

I think that he just likes you more than you like him.

Maybe he was worried something had happened to you?

I think it would have been reasonable for you to text him and tell him you were working. If that's too much to ask then he doesn't have much status as 'partner'.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:37

calls were to my landline. mobile doesn't work in my house - no signal - so I can't text from here. I suppose I could have emailed him.

Ok perhaps IABU and in that case, please someeone explain to me why you think it's ok to keep harassing osmeone after you've left them a message? If I call someone and they're not available I leave a message and then wait for them to call me back. I don't bloody hound them for hours. I need to understand this.

OP posts:

MariosTash · 25/10/2012 16:39

Trying to phone 3 times and leaving 2 voicemails is not hounding [hmmm]

mynewpassion · 25/10/2012 16:40

You keep saying "harassing". If you think that, no point in continuing this relationship.

scripsi · 25/10/2012 16:41

OP I don't know if this is really a question of who is being reasonable - I do understand why you didn't answer the phone btw and I also think that he was being OTT (I once had a partner who never treated my work as important). But the fact that this has caused you both to air all of your misgivings from the last three years does indicate that there's a lot more to this and it seems to have brought it all out? Have other things he has done unsettled you?

lalaland30008 · 25/10/2012 16:42

You sounds horrible tbh and if you're like that in real life I don't know why he's even with you.

Unless there's something you're not saying like he's controlling then you're just being mean.

Screening calls is a horrible thing to do it take a minute to pick up the phone and say I'm busy, or even to send a text.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:42

Honestly Marios ? In a two hour period you don't think 3 calls, 2 vm's and an email isn't hounding? Ok I must be totally unreasonable

Can I ask is anyone here over say, 40, and therefore grew up without the instant gratification thing of the digital age? I'm just wondering if my advanced age has anything to do with this....in the old days more patience was required in communication than is needed now. I will add that DP is quite younger than me too, so maybe this is an age thing?

OP posts:

lalaland30008 · 25/10/2012 16:45

And I don't think he's harassing you at all. To say your partner is harassing you shows how little you feel for him. If you'd answered and said I'm busy speak tomorrow, and he still kept calling then he'd be harassing.

Perhaps he thought you hadn't heard the phone, perhaps he was worried.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:45

Thanks Scripsi

lalaland screening calls isn't a horrible thing to do. Cheating is horrible. Lying is horrible. Being cruel to animals is horrible. Ditto children. Screening calls is not 'horrible'.

OP posts:

lalaland30008 · 25/10/2012 16:48

Ok in my opinion it is horrible, I dind't say it was on the same level as lying and cheating, but I think it's nasty.

I honestly would never purposely ignore the phone to someone I cared about be that my partner, a friend. I would answer and say I know you're trying to get hold of me but can't talk right now.

SonOfAradia · 25/10/2012 16:48

As someone else said, he was probably thinking of you, missing you and wanted to hear your voice. It's called 'love', I believe.

Sounds like you're simply incompatible in this regard. He should dump you.

Original poster

Pompano · 25/10/2012 16:49

Aradia I hope he does if this is how a future with him would be. Calling me when he knows I'm busy and expecting me to drop everything for him. How very 1950's.

OP posts:

lalaland30008 · 25/10/2012 16:51

Wow, good luck to him with you I think he'll need it.

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