to be pissed off with partner

[Pompano]

for ringing me at home 3 times, and leaving 3 messages in the space of 2 hours the other night? Surely ring once. Leave one message. Other person will return your call. Why the need for two more calls? Oh and an email asking me to ring him.
When I did ring him back, the next morning, after him leaving another mithering message on my VM, he didn't even want anything specific, just said he was wondering if I was 'alright' . WTF!
This has now escalated into a big row where everything that's annoyed either of us from the past 3 years got dragged up and we've had a big falling out.

All it would take was a minute or two of your time.

I've been married for 15 years and am almost 50, yet still call my wife if I'm missing her and want to simply hear her voice. And vice-versa. But we are compatible that way. I understand that not everyone is like that - fair enough.

Its a common problem for those who work at home I think Pompano

Other people think that you are 'free' because you are at home and so screening calls becomes a necessity I find.

Tbf though I would've e-mailed the bf/partner back or quickly answered and said that I'm too busy to talk. Do you often work in the evenings? he may not have known you were working and a quick convo would've let him know, and no arguements to follow.

Are you sure you have been together for 3 years? Because you make it sound like a new relationship where each person is discovering the other's no-crossing-lines.

I still stand by my initial assessment. Break up, please for both of your sakes.

MissKeithLemon you've hit the nail on the head. He likes to pop round for a coffee on his way home from work. So he's finished for the day, but I'm usually still working, he turns up expecting me to put the kettle on. . To be fair, friends can be just as guilty of thinking I'm just sitting at home eating Godiva chocs and watching Jez Kyle too, but they don't drop in without at least calling me first.
I feel as if it's very hard for people to take my work seriously, and he definitely doesn't seem to.

I can see that I should have emailed him a quick line, and I was wrong not to do that.

Look, I'm a bit on the fence.
I've been known to call DP a billion times in 20 minutes because he's left the blithering ladder in the middle of the sodding hallway and gone off to his workshop on the other side of town and probably left the milk out, the back door open, clothes strewn from here to there . (Yes, I could move it myself but I've found that if I do it once, I'll always be doing it)
At the same time, if you're working, you're working. If I'm studying, I turn my phone off. The next morning may have been a little late to return a call- assuming you didn't work through the night, but you did, at least return it.
However, your boyfriend was a little over the top leaving 2 messages and an email. Did he think you were deaf?

So- YAB(a bit)U. He is also BU (also a bit). As to the rest of your grievances, look, if he doesn't sniff every item of food suspiciously before he eats it, you're one up on me.

also, novella. Sorry.

The time at which you feel your partner is harassing you is the time you end the relationship.

Oh and you sound very unreasonable to me

If I was busy in work I wouldn't always answer a call from my DH. If he called back again shortly after I would assume it was urgent and answer, if it turned out not to be urgent I might not be best pleased to have my concentration wrecked.

My DH used to drive for a living, I managed to survive the whole working day without ringing him because he couldn't answer his phone anyway.

Its not always convenient to be called when you are working and the OP was working.

Three yrars and your DP does not know how ypu feel about this. It is 1950-.s yes, of you.

wankbadgers thank you for your post and it gave me a laugh too.

I hold up my hands, I should have emailed him to say I was busy. But I also think his calling was excessive.

I can't concentrate so well on my work when the phone keeps ringing and I have to have the machine on playing out the messages just in case it's work calling. I need to get caller ID so I can see who is calling and then I don't have to be utterly 'horrible' and screen the calls via voicemail.

But he does know how I feel about it Sole. I have talked to him several times about calling me before he just drops in for coffee - which he doesn't do every day to be fair. And he knows the nature of my work and that it needs concentration and that I can't keep answering the phone when I'm being paid to work.
Put it this way - if I worked away from the home ie in an office he wouldn't have called 3 times in 2 hours. So why does he think it's ok when I'm at home?

I'll go against the majority (as usually ) and i think YANBU.

It was landline. Early evening. Its not that unusual to not answer the landline. I would think you are busy/popped to the shops/had bath/ and then went to bed and didn't see the messages. It happens.

Clingy people always use this line 'i was worrying about you' . So then they appear martyrs and yoiu suppose to feel guilty.

YANBU. I wouldn't have answered if I was busy either. Just because you own a telephone does not mean that you have to be at the beck and call of anyone who calls it, just like having a door does not mean you have to answer it every time someone knocks. Also, presumably if it had been an emergency he would have left a message explaining, rather than a vague 'call me' and an assumption that you will hop to it.

He called and left a message. Nothing then changed yet he called again. And again. My DH wouldn't do that - he'd assume I was busy/out and wait for the call back, while telling me in the message when he would not be avaialble so that we didn't end up playing telephone tag.

I am over 40 (ahem) and I love my DH and the funny thing is when he is too busy to ring I really miss him but he does ring more than once a day and it is amazing the number of times he will ring at an inopportune moment. I don't have the screening calls thing and I always answer. I thought I was being bitchy and mean but when our DS was home for the summer holidays and was home with me, after the *th call he said, "Wow, Dad again?!"

Yes Laquitar if we ever talk again I'm expecting the 'but I was worried about you' which is rather ridiculous under these circumstances. He knew I was at home all day, I hadn't been in the Coliseum all morning fighting off vicious animals.
Clingy.

TiAA I'd make the same assumption as your DH. Person is busy/out and I'd wait for them to get back to me.

And Donkey laughing at your DS

I agree with Laquitar and am going to go against the grain too.
The OP knows her dp, and if she feels he's being pester-y then he probably is.

OP - I can't stick being hounded down either. If a bloke rang me three times, left two messages and an email in one evening, simply because he wanted to say hello, I would think 'back the fuck off'.

Yup - I agree. Clingy.

A trivial question, but if you don't live together how are you defining partner?

I tend to refer to him as my partner because to my old ears 'my boyfriend' sounds a bit daft. Am I only supposed to refer to him as my 'partner' if we live together? . Sorry if it's caused any confusion but DBF confuses me even more because that could be 'best friend'. When I say partner I mean 'the person I've been involved with in an exclusive romantic relationship for the last 3 years but don't live with.'

pictish that's exactly what I did think.

You sound as if you don't like him very much. Time to move on I think.

You also sound a bit precious about your job. People in desk- based jobs (ie not brain surgeons in theatre or teachers mid-lesson) are allowed to answer personal calls you know, it's not a sacking offence as long as it's not 20 minutes chatting every time. I bet if it was someone who brightened your day and not this guy who clearly irritates you, you'd have no problem picking up, saying "how lovely to speak to you, look forward to seeing you later" and getting back down to work approx 30 secs later. Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe he fills you with such lust and passion that you lose all ability to concentrate for at least half an hour after hearing his honeyed tones...? You sound a bit uptight for that though.

Cut the bloke loose to find someone who does appreciate him.

I'm over 50 and am not in tune with the modern way of constant texting and calling people several times a day. Have been happily married for nearly 25 years and simply don't need to call DH during the day unless something needs organising or something urgent has happened. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. We are happy to wait until I get home from work to talk to each other.

Do you feel smothered? Irritated? You sound like you do.
When you love someone you tend to have a few minutes to spare. Even if its just to say "sorry busy, got to go."

Gurl similar age and I'm clearly not in tune with it either. I don't see the point of just making idle chat during the work day.

Jessie I may be precious about my job and with good reason. I'm a single woman with a mortgage and all the other responsibilities of being a home owner. I have to take my work seriously - I dont choose to label it as precious though. I call it being a responsbile, hard working employee.

Yes impty I do feel smothered. Had been feeling that way for a while. And I think the irritation was a result of feeling smothered.

I reckon he was calling because he wanted to drop in for coffee, and you didn't answer because you didn't want him interrupting you?

IMO YANBU. But I do think there is an age thing here - my sister is a lot younger than me and we have fallen out over my not replying to her texts. She expects an instant reply whereas I think a text is a stupid thing you send if you can't be bothered to have a real conversation with someone.

You and DP need to talk about your expectations re returning calls so that he knows you are not purposefully avoiding him (unless you are??)