to be pissed off with partner

[Pompano]

for ringing me at home 3 times, and leaving 3 messages in the space of 2 hours the other night? Surely ring once. Leave one message. Other person will return your call. Why the need for two more calls? Oh and an email asking me to ring him.
When I did ring him back, the next morning, after him leaving another mithering message on my VM, he didn't even want anything specific, just said he was wondering if I was 'alright' . WTF!
This has now escalated into a big row where everything that's annoyed either of us from the past 3 years got dragged up and we've had a big falling out.

Gin he could have been wanting to come for a coffee, although it was a bit later than his usual time. He tends to finish work around 4pm and be in my area within an hour of finishing. I live on his way home, so it's not like he's making a special trip to come to see me, he literally drives past my road to get to his house. I think he just likes to unwind from work with me, whereas I'd rather spend the later evening together sometimes.

Same here on the texts with my freind who's quite a bit younger than me, she's in her late 30's and loves texting and expects an instant reply. I had no idea that it actually hurts her feelings if I don't reply sharpish. Rather difficult to do that when you can't get a good signal at home so you have to send most of your texts whenever you leave the house!

that should of course be 'friend', bloody laptop

OP, I don't mean to be rude, but you are able to post on MN* during your working day without loss of time or concentration, no? Then if you can do that, and still retain concentration, then I don't see how a quick phone call would be drastically different? I does seem to me like there is a deeper-rooted problem afoot here.

(*Unless, of course, you are on a day off when you posted this; in which case I apologise, of course!)

To me it is blatantly obvious that you are not in love with this man and after 3 years then it is time to go your separate ways if you aren't.

If you loved him you wouldn't be moaning about him ringing you, stating that he has no right to take up your oh so precious time, demanding the kettle be put on (does he? Really?) or harrassing you.

Finish it and let him have the chance to meet someone who doesn't see him as an inconvenience.

But that's just my point Pompano - responsible hard working employees are allowed to answer the phone as long as they don't take the piss and chat for ages. I think that the "ooh I was working, couldn't possibly talk" is just a big fat excuse. I had a boyfriend like that- in the first flush he regularly got in contact during the working day (not that I particularly encouraged it). When he got bored of the relationship it was all "I was really busy/ in a meeting". Same job, same level of busyness. I got the message soon enough.

I'm not working this evening, McBee. If I was I'd entirely see your point.

JF If I worked in an office and he turned up and expected me to put the ketle on during my working day, would that be ok? I don't think it would be.
My house is my office during my working hours. I don't work 12 hours a day. I do work different shifts at home. If I'm not working he's absolutely welcome to come round for coffee, as is anyone else. If I am working I need friends/family to respect that I'm working and for those hours each day they need to think if my house as my office. My friends learned how to do that very quickly when I first started to work from home. I just can't understand why he can't grasp it.

JF - I had to put the kybosh on my dh calling me from work during the day! If he was out for a ciggie he would ring up with nothing to say, disrupting whatever I was doing at the time, and frankly getting on my nerves with his calls about fuck all. I'm not a phone person and I cba with it.

Please tell me all about how I don't love my husband.

Jessie let me reiterate. He rang me at home on my landline. Because I don't have caller ID, I have the answering machine on and it plays the message in real time so I know who the caller is. I've learned today at MN that screening calls like that is a heinous activity, but never mind about that . He called when I was right in the middle of something important. It was obvious from the message that it wasn't urgent. Nobody had died or gone into labour. So I thought I'd call him back when I'd finished work, which would be within the hour, Is that so unreasonable?? However, I didn't get the chance to call him back later because he'd called me about 30 minutes after the first one. At that point I was still working and yes, I got irritated because it seemd to me that he was being impatient and unreasonable. I just don't understand why he couldn't wait for me to call him back.

Why is there this need to call someone back immediately if it's not urgent and one of you is busy...what difference would it make to wait an hour or two for a call back? I am trying hard to get my head round this but nobody is explaining it without telling me I'm horrible.

Hold on, dropping in for coffee is totally different from phoning. You were complaining about him phoning. Amazingly it's absolutely allowed for friends/family to call people in their offices. Ironic really, by not picking up the first time you ended up being distracted more with all his messages than you would have been if you'd just picked up and told him you were busy.

Perhaps you don't actually realise yourself that you've gone off him? Don't worry, your passive-aggressive behaviour should soon make that clear even if you are too cowardly to tell him.

I totally screen calls. And I don't give a fuck who disapproves!

Cross - post, but still think YABU.

Tut tut...you obviously don't love your DH Pictish or you'd be hanging on his every word and waiting by the phone for him to call

OP YANBU when I was doing my degree I used to put the answering machine on when I was working so I wouldn't get interrupted. I hated being in the middle of something just to have someone ring for a chat.

Jessie JF upthread said that I don't love him because if I did, amongst other things I wouldn't be moaning about him dropping in whenever it suits, and asking me to put the kettle on. I was replying to her post when I gave the office/kettle example. I've mentioned the dropping in for coffe earlier in the thread and I agree that it's totally different, but it's another example of how - in my eyes - he doesn't respect my job or my time.

Do you go to his house?

Sometimes when a partner pops in yours -whenever suits him- can be tiring. It is like they have all the control and you have none. I can see why you are irritated.

OP - you have been unlucky to get the response you have. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all actually, and I'm not quite sure why all the posters on this thread are determined to mark you down as a horrible cow.

Of course it's totally fine to call someone back at your own convenience! This thread is loopy!

It's interesting how so many people are saying that it's me that doesn't love him, or care about him or whatever, and that I should be jumping through hoops with joy every time he calls me and drop everything to call him back instantly. Funny that, because I'm the one who's feeling totally taken for granted and disprespected by him.

on the flip side of this there is a woman at work who rings her family members all the frigging time.

You are at work. You aren't supposed to be chatting to your DH.

And I don't ring my Dh when he's working. If I do I'd expect to leave a message. One. unless I forgot something in the first one

I think that in my first post I was not respecting the sancitity of 'work' enough.

I'm sorry if I missed a bit, but was he pissed off with you for not answering?

I believe you pompano.

Haven't a clue where all these you-must-answer-the-phone-and-sooth-his-soul weirdos have come from!

OP - you have been unlucky to get the response you have. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all actually, and I'm not quite sure why all the posters on this thread are determined to mark you down as a horrible cow.

Me neither, Pictish, unless they're the ones who expect their phone calls to answered everytime and their texts to be replied to immediately.

pictish I am resigned to having been nominated the MN Horrible Cow of the Month. Perhaps of 2012. Or the decade...I have to say its the first time in my life I've been called horrible for screening calls when busy, in fact I don't think I've ever heard anyone else being called horrible for screening calls either so it's quite an achievement

I've asked repeatedly for someone to explain to me why non urgent calls should be returned immediately but all I'm hearing is that I don't love him.

I too am bemused by the responses on this thread . DH and I have only been together 16 years clearly I don't care about him enough because sometimes I don't answer the phone to him because I am in work doing my work.

YANBU

Why should you break your train of thought at work to answer his call or text him?

Not answering says you are busy.

There is no obligation to pick up a phone just because it is ringing.

Thank goodness! The sane have arrived!!

Leave the bastard. Mainly for his own good tho!

While I don't disagree with screening calls (or just not answering), my DH is the one I will always answer! Even if it's just to say 'Cant talk now, I'll call you back in an hour'. If he knows you have to listen to the answer phone for work purposes then he must know you were deliberately ignoring him. I'd have been mightily pissed off if I was him.

Also, if you sometimes work into the evening and other times don't, will he have known you were still working rather than eg in the shower?

If after 3 years you are living separately & even then finding him irritating then I think it's time for you to both to move on.