to be pissed off with partner

[Pompano]

for ringing me at home 3 times, and leaving 3 messages in the space of 2 hours the other night? Surely ring once. Leave one message. Other person will return your call. Why the need for two more calls? Oh and an email asking me to ring him.
When I did ring him back, the next morning, after him leaving another mithering message on my VM, he didn't even want anything specific, just said he was wondering if I was 'alright' . WTF!
This has now escalated into a big row where everything that's annoyed either of us from the past 3 years got dragged up and we've had a big falling out.

This is the whole difference between a lover and a stalker, in a way. If someone you love phones you ever day then you think it's great. If someone who irritates you phones you every day you want to change your number.

OP, I think you were unreasonable not sending him a quick email saying you were busy and giving him a rough idea when you'd be free. I think he was very unreasonable phoning again and again. He's also incredibly unreasonable calling in on his way home from work. Maybe you should have a sign up when you're too busy, similar to "No circulars" - a kind of busy signal for friends and him.

You need to sort out your phones. Would it be possible to have one for home and one for business? I know it would be more expensive but it could solve all your problems. You could have a voicemail message on your home phone then saying, "Sorry the phone's off, I'm really busy. Leave a message and I'll call you back when I've stopped work."

Basically though it sounds as though he irritates you. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He thinks you should be free to talk to him when you're working. He thinks he can call in to your workplace whenever he likes and disturb you. He wouldn't think he could do that with someone at work who is clearly working.

Maybe it's run its course. Would you be upset if you didn't see him again?

Good point Narked. Maybe what I am feeling as being rather smothered and saying I feel a bit taken for granted. ie him seeming to run the relationship is him just wanting a bit more togetherness than I do. I really enjoy our weekends together, and we usually spend a couple of weeknights together too, but I'm at a point in my life where that's enough togetherness for me. And therefore that's just down to incompatibility.

Op, now that you've explained a bit more I don't think that you are being so unreasonable. When I said that screening calls is horrible, I mean in terms of if it was your mobile phone and you saw the name flash up and then didn't answer. I understand now you didn't at first realise it was him and then he left an answer phone message which you listened to in real time. So you thought you'd call back later but then got annoyed with the further calls.

So ok I take on board you're at work and he reguarly interupts your work, yes this would be wrong.

However, while you sound like a sensible woman who knows exactly what she wants, you don't sound as though you care much for your dp, perhaps I have got that wrong but it's the way it comes across, like he's someone you just met not like a partner of 3 years. Your wording just sounds a bit cold.

The time within which a call (or texts) should be returned is going to be a complex sliding scale ranging from Immediately to Never depending on:
a) who the caller is
b) how often you normally speak to them
c) the message they leave
d) the time of day it is
e) what you are doing at the time
f) whether you actually want to speak to them. At all. Ever.

Presumably your partner thought he was higher up the scale than you did & that's why he was annoyed. Different expectations. And realistically as he'd already interrupted you, then you might as well have answered. It would have taken no longer than an email. Has he got any redeeming features that make it worthwhile you continuing the relationship?

Oh pompano if you really don't see this relationship going anywhere i.e living together/marriage and he's already said he does please end it for his sake. I know you say that's his choice but he's probably hoping you'll change your mind.

Imperial thanks for your post. I would be very upset if I didn't see him again, but that said, I tend to think that it may well have run his course. As I'm working through the posts and replying where I can, it's making me think very deeply about it and perhaps we just want different things or have different expectations. His being more clingy than me has come up several times before and I'm becoming aware that we probably can't get past it because in this regard we are too different and I feel like he can't (won't?) respect my boundaries.

lala he knows that I don't want to live together with anyone. I don't see that as a relationship that's going nowhere. I think two people can have an amazing relationship and they don't have to live together. He knows my feelings. But perhaps as narked pointed out, he thought he could change my mind.

lala just seen your earlier post. Yes my fault, in my OP I said 'called me at home' or similar but in that post I hadn't made it clear that the only way to call me at home is landline. I clearly expected MN'ers to have their crystal balls out today! So yes, nothing like being called on a mobile and I could just text back as soon as his name came up. Home phone has no caller ID - I will sort that out tomorrow.

Right well he's just rang me and we are meeting tomorrow night. I don't think there's much hope we can salvage it but at least we can meet and talk and try to end it decently.

Shelby thanks for answering my question. I do use a similar way to evaluate and the sliding scale is rather complex, I agree. I thought one hour would be ok to get back to him. Obviously he doesn't think he should have to wait an hour to have his call returned, his sliding scale appears to work in 30 minute increments whereas mine is longer .

Pompano, sorry about that. Shame it seems like it will end like this. Hope you are OK.

FWIW I don't answer personal calls to my phone if I am at work - I'm not actually allowed, although they would turn a blind eye. DH and I have a system whereby if it is urgent (ie something wrong with DD) then he will text 999, so I know to phone him, otherwise if he calls and I don't answer he waits for me to call back - no matter how long it takes.

If I am busy - which I generally am, he knows that I won't stop what I am doing just for a chat/to be told to go to shop on way home!

Working at home is no different to working in an office. If you take your job seriously then he should know that.

I don't like phones a lot and get irritated by phonecalls when I don't want them, even from people I love a lot, so I understand your pain. Fair enough you were busy, but it sounds like you also don't like the feeling you are supposed to be on tap for anyone. But I don't think I'm being reasonable when I feel like that. I'm being selfish (even if it sometimes justified) and introverted and often there's an element of being a bit low in spirits to that reaction too.

But the other side to this is that however much he says now that it was just to chat, maybe he was upset or anxious or excited about something he wanted to share with you. I've felt awful about ignoring calls from people and later (sometimes much later) finding they really needed advice or support or to share.

Does he do this often, OP?

When you saw his email, what stopped you from sending a one-liner back saying you were busy? Did you think he would then return the email and you'd have to reply to that, too?

Sorry - missed the later posts.

That's shitty

Imperial by the time the email arrived, approx 30 seconds after either the 3rd call, I admit I was feeling very irritated and what stopped me from sending a one-liner back was that I was so pissed off that by then that I just thought 'oh do eff off' . I also thought that he'd probably reply to that email and then I'd be in the midst of an email exchange that I absolutely didn't want at that point.
He's never called like this so excessively - I know that 'excessive' is my take on it and only my take - but he does do the turning up for coffee on the way home from work thing very frequently.

Gentleness I don't like phones very much either. I don't do well with interruptions, having struggled with depression on and off for years when I was younger, it can still be very hard for me to concentrate and I find it hard to pick up where I left off if I'm interrupted. That applies to anything, work, cooking, mid conversation etc. And yes, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to talk to anyone, and I can be very selfish. I still don't know yet what was the real reason for his call, perhaps he will tell me tomorrow evening, perhaps he won't.

Dallas Thank you.

Good luck for tomorrow OP.

Thanks scripsi.

I have a friend whose dh calls her often throughout the day. If she doesn't take the call or return it very soon afterwards, he gets "twitchy" and cross with her ...

He is very emotionally controlling; his phone manners are only a small part of it but a part nevertheless.

It's interesting to read people's replies to this. I posted a similar thread saying that my husband wouldn't get back to me .
For what it's worth I think it wouldn't have hurt you to have just let him know you were busy and would call him when you could.

anniedunne that's the problem isn't it? Trying to find out what his behaviour is about. Is this part of a wider controlling behaviour - including his turning up for coffee unexpectedly? Or is it just that he and I have different expectations about how we communicate?

Autumn I know now when I get into my next relationship that I need a partner who shares my view that it's not unreasonable to wait an hour or so for someone to return a call that's not urgent. I've never had this problem in any other relationship, and I personally don't mind waiting for someone to get back to me so I do kind of expect the same of others. People have different communication styles and expectations.

What you say is very true pompano.

However, whatever way I look at your scenario, I'm seeing overkill. Persistence. Demanding behaviour.

I am not demanding and dislike it when other people are. That's how I am.

I would have felt harassed by it too tbh. I don't understand why people do this - if someone doesn't answer the phone, either they're out/don't have it with them, or they're busy, or they don't want to talk to you. In none of these cases do you achieve anything by repeatedly calling!

I don't always answer the landline at home if I'm busy (don't always answer the door either), and sometimes turn my mobile to silent if I don't want to be disturbed. I don't think I'm obliged to be available at all times, and I would find the 'oh I was just worried about you' think very annoying (unless there was some good reason to believe I was in danger).

pictish I think you've summed it up very well there. I've found this thread has been very enlightening. I really didn't think so many people out there expect calls to be returned immediately in a non-emergency situation. For me that's rather high maintenance. I need to prioritise according to circumstances, and as I've said, it's apparent that I am incompatible with a partner who thinks he should always be the highest priority at any given time. Sometimes other things are more important and more pressing.

I think Athing put it very succinctly when she said

"Being too busy to take a call is not "deliberately ignoring" someone.

Just because someone is your boyfriend doesn't mean they have an automatic right to your attention whenever they demand it, regardless of what you are doing."

That's what I think.

I am not surprised tbh as we've had discussions like this on here before and there's always a range of opinions. Maybe it is about compatibility more than anything.

I would definitely be incompatible with someone who was needy and demanding of my attention, and didn't respect my privacy and space. Fortunately DH and I are both fairly independent, self-sufficient types so we get along well.

Clingy/needy is probably the biggest irritant for me in a potential partner. I've been with someone like this in the past and I cannot describe how much it drove me crazy and turned me off the person. It was a complete impasse for us as well as she couldn't understand how I found it annoying and ridiculous and a bit creepy, and I couldn't understand why any adult would behave like that.