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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to lose weight?

112 replies

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:10

Ok, so I would never actually ask her to do that. However, I would like to try and encourage her to lose some in as nice a way as possible.

She is a very big girl, I dont know exact size as its rude to ask but I would guess around 27 stone. I dont care what she looks like or anything but I'm just worried for her health really, plus I think it affects her confidence a lot.

I love her loads and really dont want to offend her, how can I encourage her to start losing weight??

OP posts:

AnnoyingOrange · 04/09/2011 18:11

you can't

she knows already

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 04/09/2011 18:12

Do you think she isnt aware how big she is, or do you think she doesnt know how to lose weight?

TheMonster · 04/09/2011 18:13

She probably knows full well and you saying anything won't help. It won't do your friendship any good either. I speak from experience.
(and if you are my 'friend' then piss off)

Northernlurkerr · 04/09/2011 18:14

If you must do something why not ask her to go swimming with you. Exercise will improve health for BOTH of you. You may be 8 stone but you won't be healthy if you don't move about.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 04/09/2011 18:14

I have to say, Id hate a ptronising thin "friend" showing me the error of my fatty ways!

Tryharder · 04/09/2011 18:14

If you are overweight yourself OP, why not join a slimming club and gym and ask her if she wouldn't mind accompanying you. But other than that, as AnnoyingOrange said..

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 18:15

hmmmmmmmmmmm do you think she is blind, do you think that you being one more person to start "gently" harassing her about her weight will make her put down the crisps?
trust me she is not an idiot she will do something if/when she wants to and not sooner and all the gentle and not so gentle helping in the world will not make a jot of difference and will probably have the opposite effect.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:17

You have to accept her as she is or you can't really call yourself her friend.

Looking at it top down never worked for anyone.

Glitterknickaz · 04/09/2011 18:18

What makes you think it's any of your business?

Original poster

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:18

I agree Glaikit, I dont think I need to lose any weight so dont really want to hurt her by saying something outright as I know how patronising that can be (I've been overweight, hated being told about it)

If she seemed happy with her size then I wouldnt care, I honestly love her no matter what she looks like. But she does not seem happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:21

and glitterknickaz, I think its my business as she is my best friend, I care about her health and happiness.

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 04/09/2011 18:23

She already knows she is overweight.

As others said you can:

a) ask her to go with to slimming club (assuming you are going anyway)

b) ask her to go with exercise of some sort

c) send her some diet books in post! I especially recommend "Adore Yourself Slim" (good for self confidence) or Paul McKenna, both come with hypnosis CDs. I might be tempted to send them anonymously. Also Pig to Twig a very motivating read.

bagelmonkey · 04/09/2011 18:25

Could you ask her if she wants to join you on regular brisk walks?

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 18:25

she probably isnt at all happy and is really down on herself....how is you pointing it out going to help?
i admit there is nothing more annoying than someone very over weight complaining about their weight all the time and not doing something about it, but i would imagine that currently she feels very out of control of her eating etc especially if she is continuing to put weight on. but if you were over weight then you know the only thing that can get you to lose weight is yourself.
there is nothing worse than other people saying things to you even in love, it just makes you feel worse about yourself.

Curiousmama · 04/09/2011 18:26

OMG please don't send her diet books!! I'm normal-ish weight for my height and even I'd be mortified

Try to get her to talk to you? Does she eat a lot or is it maybe a health problem why she's fat?

At the end of the day only she can help herself. I understand your concern but she's an adult.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 18:27

You started a thread which is just guaranteed to get peoples backs up. If you genuinely wanted to help her you wouldn't have done that.

You have been overweight yourself - you didn't like being told about it - what makes you think she wants to be told about it anymore than you did??

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:29

If she doesn't seem happy then she doesn't actually need to be encouraged to lose weight. And she probably can't be helped to either - no one can make you lose weight. She will have to figure it out for herself.

What you can help with is the cause of the problem, be that her self esteem, fearfulness of something, maybe irrational or beyond her control (maybe psychological issues, we don't know this though), or general unhappiness not caused by her weight.

You can help her be happier in many ways, just by accepting her however fat she is and having a laugh with her. Letting her know you are there for her and her friend. NOT trying to come between her and her weight or eating.

This is something she owns and you cannot have any impact on it unless by indirect means, ie you be a good friend and she feels a bit happier because of that. This may or may not contribute to her losing weight eventually.

Do you see what I am getting at. The very moment she perceives that you are thinking more about the weight than about her feelings and who she is, you're making the problem worse.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 04/09/2011 18:30

c) send her some diet books in post!

Are you actually fucking serious?

Original poster

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:31

chippingin, no body told me I was overweight, people kept telling me I looked good.
I didnt.

It wasn't until ex P left me telling me I was disgusting and fat that I actually realised.

I've not started this thread to annoy anyone or to make them feel bad, I just want some advice on how you would like to be approached or if you'd just leave them to it.

OP posts:

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 18:33

please, on the baby jesus do not send this poor women diet books in the post if you do not want her to spend half the day crying over a half opened parcel....what is wrong with people.

Floggingmolly · 04/09/2011 18:33

I'd be gutted if I received diet books anonymously, and also feel totally paranoid as I'd think everyone must be talking about me. Not nice.

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 18:34

clean did you ever think that maybe you did look good and your ex was a cock?
being over weight does not make you disgusting.

Original poster

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:35

Agreed that I wont send diet books!

OP posts:

Empusa · 04/09/2011 18:35

Leave it. Unless you want to lose a friend.

What on earth is with this idea that fat people need to be told they are fat?! Like they wont know about it.

Personally any "friend" that decided I needed to be told would find themselves in serious shit. And definitely not treated as a friend anymore.

MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 04/09/2011 18:35

Seriously? You think she's 27 stone and is somehow under the illusion that she's something other than morbidly obese??? Unless she's a giraffe I think it's pretty obvious to her that she's overweight.

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