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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to lose weight?

112 replies

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:10

Ok, so I would never actually ask her to do that. However, I would like to try and encourage her to lose some in as nice a way as possible.

She is a very big girl, I dont know exact size as its rude to ask but I would guess around 27 stone. I dont care what she looks like or anything but I'm just worried for her health really, plus I think it affects her confidence a lot.

I love her loads and really dont want to offend her, how can I encourage her to start losing weight??

OP posts:

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 04/09/2011 22:15

Body of Eeyore - go for it with the ladies only swimming. I too am overweight (extremely in my case) and i have been several times over the hols with my DD as she loves to go. Once you are in the water, you will stop worrying about everyone else, and if it is ladies only you shouldnt get the taunts and comments from the young lads!

If i lived near i would come with you! You go for it.

And OP, i havent commented, sorry about that, i am too busy trying to work out what kind of friend you really are, and if you are one of my friends, then you really dont know me at all. I commend your concern, but seriously, just love your friend for who she is. She will change if and when she is ready, and nothing or nobody will be able to make her.

bumpsoon · 04/09/2011 22:17

Im fat , i know im fat ,all my friends know im fat ,all my family know im fat . I have started to do something about it because i dont like being fat ,i dont like having alot more of me to wash and bits i havent even seen in a while ! Your friend knows she is fat ,but if she is as large as you say ,then her health is suffering as a result . If she was drinking too much or smoking ,im not sure everyone would be quite so harsh about you trying to support your friend to be healthier .

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 04/09/2011 22:19

Theala Take your hurtful comments elsewhere. Psychological problems my backside. I am seriously overweight, and i promise you i have no "psychological" issues! I do have severe mobility issues though, which cause me problems with being able to do most forms of exercise, including walk any distance. Go and take your misguided ideals elsewhere.

Original poster

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 22:30

WhoremoaneeGrainger dont worry, I'm not one of your friends. My friend has no children and you dont sound like her.

I do love her for who she is, she's been such an amazing friend to me and I truly think she is a beautiful person. I just worry about her as being that overweight is a massive strain on her body and I dont want anything to happen to her. I honestly dont mean it in a judgemental way.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 22:35

Whoremoanee - I can see where you are coming from, but for many others psychological problems are a big factor in the same way they are for alcoholics etc.

There isn't 'one' reason why people are overweight and there isn't 'one' solution.

Many overweight people would benefit from counselling far more than diets.

Crumbletopping · 04/09/2011 22:43

A few celebs have lost loads of weight recently - Pauline Quirke and Dawn French spring to mind. Could you kind of drop them into a conversation -it may just be a trigger for friend to open up about where she's at with her weight.

BakeliteBelle · 04/09/2011 22:48

Thela has hit the nail on the head. Like any eating disordered people, those with morbid obesity have psychological problems. Getting highly defensive when anyone says any thing about their weight, and being delusional about the amount they eat are just two features. Whoremoanee, yes, some obesity is due to other mobility issues but most is serious overeating and food addiction.

The person who said earlier on that their GP does not even comment on their weight, has a GP who is doing them no favours whatsoever. They would always comment on smoking, so why on earth not a dangerous weight problem? Acknowledging the problem is the start of working on a solution.

However, you will lose a friend if you do comment, so on balance, if you want her friendship, keep quiet and try not to feel like you have to do anything about her problems. It is her issue, not yours, and if she's a good person to be around, take that from the friendship.

Theala · 04/09/2011 22:48

WhoremoaneeGrainger, ok I thought it would have been taken as read that people who are oveweight/fat/obese for medical reasons are excluded from the "psychological problems" category.

However, I do maintain that if you are seriously obese and there is not a medical reason for it, that you do have a psychological problem, however mild. Anyone who puts their own health and well-being at stake for very little reward has a problem, imo. My addiction to cigarettes was a largely psychological problem, FFS. Having a psychological problem doesn't mean that you're a bad/weak/stupid person; it just means that your problem requires treatment that is not just physical.

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2011 22:48

I am overwweight
I'd be hurt if you said something to me
I'd think 'mind your own business'
But it wouldgo in and it would be another spur to me doing something about it. In the long run I'd be pleased you did

HeyYouJimmy · 04/09/2011 23:03

Not now. I was over 14.5st and was very obese considering I am 4'10" in height (I should be 8st ideally, but I'm now at 9st). I was, at one point, in denial about it by thinking I was OK, that I wasn't THAT fat. The fact I thought I was OK was down to people constantly telling me I was fine and I stupidly believed them.

Then my 3 closest friends stepped up to the mark, told me that I was overweight and NO, I wasn't hurt, just relieved that those few friends actually cared enough to confirm and help me confront my weight problem so I could finally do something about it.

I guess the others didn't care enough to do the same, but hey, I don't care, they're out of my life anyway.

GloriaVanderbilt · 05/09/2011 07:23

'You don't get to 27 stone without having psychological problems; same as you generally don't get to be an alcoholic or a drug addict without having psychological problems, and you need to confront those problems to start dealing with your addiction issues. If your friends can help you to realise that, the they're doing you a massive favour. But like any addict, things aren't suddenly going to get better by everyone ignoring the problem and acting like nothing's wrong.'

Sorry but I find that very naive. I'm not overweight. But I've vast experience of anorexia and despite the fact that yes, you might die if you don't sort out a serious eating disorder, NO ONE ELSE can stop that happening for you.

So you're right that it's a problem which needs addressing if the friend is going to survive. However it's likely to be counterproductive if anyone tries to interfere.

I know, because I have been there and I nearly died. The more people tried to come between me and my eating issues the worse I got. It was only after they all gave up and left me alone that I was able to confront it.

All this 'Oh but if you don't say something, your friend could die!' is irrelevant. Of course she could. But interfering isn't going to make a hap'orth of difference.

KnickersOnOnesHead · 05/09/2011 22:03

I don't even know how you would have the balls to say something to be honest!

Some of my friends are overweight, it has never bothered me, and never will. I am not twiggy either!

Keep out of it, she knows she is overweight.

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