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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to lose weight?

112 replies

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:10

Ok, so I would never actually ask her to do that. However, I would like to try and encourage her to lose some in as nice a way as possible.

She is a very big girl, I dont know exact size as its rude to ask but I would guess around 27 stone. I dont care what she looks like or anything but I'm just worried for her health really, plus I think it affects her confidence a lot.

I love her loads and really dont want to offend her, how can I encourage her to start losing weight??

OP posts:
GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:59

But Fuckity, that's different - that's putting a name to a problem, that can be addressed...not talking about something that's clearly already got a name and can't be addressed by anyone other than the person who is overweight.

If you feel crap but don't know WHY then yes of course. But I'd guess this person knows she is overweight.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 18:59

"Again, if it were smoking you wouldn;t be jumping on OP in a similar way."

Really? What makes you think that?

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 04/09/2011 18:59

You'd be surprised Empusa. I've been overweight too, albeit by 4 stone but that's still rpetty big on my frame, and I was in complete denial. It's a coping mechanism. It takes a lot of denial to get up to 27 stone.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 19:00

I think only one person has suggested that the OP doesn't want to be seen with the friend.

I didn't say that. I said the OP seems to have a problem with the weight issue which doesn't really have much relevance to the friend's feelings about it/

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 04/09/2011 19:00

Because people have assumed that the OP is embarassed to be around her friend because of the way she looks. Very few people would suggest the same if the OP was concerned about a friends smoking habit.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 19:01

"It takes a lot of denial to get up to 27 stone."

Denial maybe, but I'm pretty certain you couldn't get to around 27 stone without knowing you were overweight. You could hardly believe you were slim. At that size you really don't need someone pointing it out to you.

Flisspaps · 04/09/2011 19:01

Say nothing.

However, if you feel that you must do something, then compliment her. Tell her that her dress really suits her, or ask if she's had her hair done. Make her feel good about herself. It sounds ridiculous, but when I feel good about myself, that's what spurs me on to do something about my weight.

If someone (however well meaning or unintentionally) makes me feel like a big fat blob, I want to sit indoors, eat cake and sob to myself. If someone suggested that I join WW with them, or went swimming with them, I'd just want to crawl off into a hole.

Mind you, if they said they were worried my weight was affecting my health, I'd probably just sit on them and squash them--.

fluffles · 04/09/2011 19:04

she knows shes' fat (if she's anywhere near 27 stone) and she knows it's unhealthy and she knows that she needs to exercise more and eat less.

what you can do, as a friend, is enable healthy activity and not enable overeating or drinking... so... ask her to come for a walk with you, or to a country park, or even to take up a dance class (something like zumba) or anything else you can think of she might enjoy and not feel intimidated doing.. and DO NOT ask her out for meals or to the pub too often.. if you're out and somebody suggests chips or pizza then say 'i'd rather have something healthier' and go somewhere with a good salad bar and less temptation or go back to somebody's house and eat better food.

that is ALL you can do, talking about it (unless she brings it up first) is NOT going to help.

foreverondiet · 04/09/2011 19:07

the reason i suggested the diet books as i thought it was less invasive that someone bringing it up. i agree neither is ideal.

TheMonster · 04/09/2011 19:13

At 27 stone, she is hardly going to want to go for a walk or swimming, so suggesting that won't help. I weigh a little bit less than that, and walking isn't a pleasure and I won't go swimming because people look and comment.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 19:15

The books might be really good ones but you can't send them without it being taken as bringing the subject into sharp focus. That is for her to do if she wants to.

foreverondiet · 04/09/2011 19:20

I agree books bring into sharp focus, but a face to face conversation more in focus and might be embarrassing for her. also at 27 stone swimming could be offensive as she wouldn't want to be seen in a swimming costume.

Also with the books, she might sneak a look at them, and especially the adore yourself slim book is good for self confidence, and the pig to twig very motivating.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 19:22

"pig to twig"

Fine if you pick it up yourself, hugely offensive if bought for you! Shock

Flisspaps · 04/09/2011 19:22

If someone sent me diet books, I'd throw them back at them.

If someone sent me them anonymously, I'd ring my friend up in a rage and tell her that some cheeky bastard had sent me diet books.

LineRunner · 04/09/2011 19:28

No-one who is 27 stone (quite a specific guess, there....) is going to want to go swimming with a slim mate. No-one.

Sending diet books - even considering it -in the post is fucking vile.

OP, just leave her be, and be her friend. That can include going out and having spritzers and jacket potatoes not pints of Stella, crisps and a curry.

But she knows what she has to do. She knows.

adamschic · 04/09/2011 19:31

I think people who are overweight have been in denial about it. The key to staying slim is to be aware when you start putting weight on and doing something about it, upping exercise and cutting out the stuff that you know is making you fat. If that gently means pointing it out to a close friend or family member then I think it is doing them a favour.

I don't mean to sound cruel.

OP I would start mentioning that you are looking to not put weight on and wanting to get more active and hope she decides to join you.

Original poster
cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 19:33

I think I will just leave mentioning anything then, I dont want to hurt her feelings. And for the record, I am in no way embarrassed by being seen with her, nor do I have a problem with her weight as such, just concerned for her health as any good friend should be.

She has come swimming with me a few times but I think I may suggest doing it more often.
We often go for little walks to the park with my DS but as bodyofeeyore said, it seems uncomfortable for her so we dont go far.

To be honest I think I'll just carry on as I have been. I compliment certain colours she wears, how she does her hair etc. Just wasn't sure if I was doing enough to make her feel good.

OP posts:
Mia4 · 04/09/2011 19:34

YABVU. Her body, her choice. However you wouldn't be unreasonable to give her your opinion and encouragement IF and only if she asks you for it.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 19:34

"To be honest I think I'll just carry on as I have been. I compliment certain colours she wears, how she does her hair etc. Just wasn't sure if I was doing enough to make her feel good."

Sounds like you are! Keep doing that, and just be there and ready for if/when she asks for help :)

adamschic · 04/09/2011 19:36

Zumba might be a great idea, afterall you cannot go on your own, much more fun with your best mate.

MightyQuim · 04/09/2011 19:38

I think the op has had an unfair slating on here. She is concerned about her friends health and happiness which friends should be imo.
OP just carry on being a good friend. If she's overeating because she's unhappy it will help.
I don't see any harm in asking her if she wants to go to the gym with you - tell her you want to tone up or something. But don't push it and try not to make weight loss the sole topic of conversation. It is down to her in the end.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 19:39

Cleanteeth chippingin, no body told me I was overweight, people kept telling me I looked good. I didnt

Then what did you mean by this I've been overweight, hated being told about it Hmm

At least you realise that sending diet books is a nasty thing to do - especially anonymously - where she would be wondering who thinks she's so unacceptable that it's OK to send diet books.

(Foreveronadiet - I know you meant well, but it really is a bad idea - especially anonymously.)

How the hell did you not know you were overweight? Clothes? Mirrors? Surely you didn't really need some insensitive wanker to tell you that.

Fluffles - would you like to be a little more patronising?

Nancy66 · 04/09/2011 19:41

Why don't you cut her head off some photos and paste it to Elle MacPherson's body and send that to her.....

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 19:41

MightyQuim - the OP brought that on herself when she chose her thread title - no sympathy.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 19:41

Cleanteeth - wise decision.