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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to lose weight?

112 replies

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:10

Ok, so I would never actually ask her to do that. However, I would like to try and encourage her to lose some in as nice a way as possible.

She is a very big girl, I dont know exact size as its rude to ask but I would guess around 27 stone. I dont care what she looks like or anything but I'm just worried for her health really, plus I think it affects her confidence a lot.

I love her loads and really dont want to offend her, how can I encourage her to start losing weight??

OP posts:
MightyQuim · 04/09/2011 19:45

Did you read the op? She made it clear in the opening sentence that she wouldn't actually be asking her friend anything. But if you want to dwell on the title knock yourself out Confused

Alambil · 04/09/2011 19:46

I weigh over 20 stone. I would never, ever talk to a supposed friend again if they told me to lose weight because they're worried about me.

I know I'm fat. I know I'm unhealthy. I KNOW - I don't need telling.

Even my doctor didn't tell me to lose weight when he weighed me the other day ffs.

If a doctor can manage to support someone wisely and compassionately, a friend should be able to, otherwise they're not a friend. IMO.

Dexifehatz · 04/09/2011 19:49

So no one would suggest a friend stopped smoking so they didn't die an agonising death drowning in their own bile?

Empusa · 04/09/2011 19:52

Dexifehatz There's so much info about the dangers of smoking I'd find it hard to believe that anyone didn't already know the risks. Telling them isn't likely to change anything, it may even destroy a friendship. Better to just be there for them when they decide to quit.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 19:54

Should add. My mother and brother smoke, and I'd love them to stop, but telling them they should won't (or hasn't) achieved anything. I even tried to blackmail my mum into quitting when I was about 10, that didn't work!

MadamDeathstare · 04/09/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 04/09/2011 19:57

Cleenteeth I think that what you are currently doing is great. Keep complimenting her. Valuing her as the person she is now is important.

Unless she suggests it first please dont book her a spa day or whatever. As somone who is also hugely overweight one of my big fears would be finding that the towelling robes didnt fit or whatever. She may be very body conscious. Something you could look at perhaps is suggesting something like a manicure together if she hasnt done this for a while. Small things like this are very positive without being threatening.

At the end of the day if she really wants to lose some weight she will do it herself. Your job then as her friend will be to support her when she struggles and celebrate with her as she succeeds. Do it without judgement and you will be the best friend ever.

GnomeDePlume · 04/09/2011 19:57

sorry Cleanteeth

Empusa · 04/09/2011 20:00

I did aqua aerobics with one of my friends, which was good because you're so focussed on your body doing the opposite of what you expect (and everyone else having the same problems) that you feel less self conscious.

foreverondiet · 04/09/2011 20:36

I have just lost almost 4 stone, but agree that not much you can do if someone doesn't want to lose weight.

Yes maybe diet books a bad idea, was just thinking what you could do as think a conversation could end badly.

At least with the anonymous diet books, she still would speak to you as she wouldn't know where they came from and she could be mortified in the privacy of her own home, and she might read them.

TheMonster · 04/09/2011 20:38

Cleanteeth, you have done some good with this thread: I have just looked up women-only swimming lesson near me and I might take the plunge (excuse the pun!) this week.

TheMonster · 04/09/2011 20:39

(pennies permitting - it's £3.90 Shock)

Original poster
cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 20:43

Go for it body!! I much prefer women only things when it comes to getting your body out, you can relax so much more! We often go to a womens only turkish bath under our city swimming centre, you should have a look if there's any near you for a treat :)

OP posts:
TheMonster · 04/09/2011 20:44
Smile
Empusa · 04/09/2011 21:15

body Women's only stuff is so much easier. Best place I've been was Curves, for the first time ever I was in a gym where I wasn't the biggest person!

A1980 · 04/09/2011 21:32

I don't have time to read this so it has probably been said. I wouldn't tell her she needs to lose weight as you'll hurt her and lose a friend.

If you think it affects her confidence and she'd like to do somethnig though a little encouragement might help.

Be realistic however. At 27 stone she is 2 and a half times heavier than me. She cannot go out and start vigorous exercise, it will be too hard with all that weight to carry. It's unlikely she'll want to swim as she'll have to put a swimsuit on in a public baths. Why not walking? Say you want to get fit (leave weight out of it) and ask if she'd like to help. Put the onus on you. Suggest a longish walk in the park and maybe make a habit of it. TBH I would normally suggest yoga or pilates but at 27 stone I wouldn't. Yoga involves bearing a lot of your own body weight and she might be too heavy for it to be comfortable.

Leave any mention of weight out of it and focus on fitness. Being fit has nothing to do with weight. I am 5ft 4ins and weigh over 10 and a half stone. My best friend is 5ft 6ins and weighs just under 7 stone. Guess which one of us is healthier? ME! I can run 5k in under 30 mins, I am yoga and pilates mad and am very flexible. I have good muscle tone and stamina, etc. This is not a boast, I'm just proud of it as it wasn't easy to get fit. I wasn't always fit and there was a time not too long ago when I couldn't even run for a bus, the exertion would kill me. My friend is under 7 stone and takes no exercise at all. She cannot touch her toes, has very little flexibility or muscle tone. I took her to a yoga class for beginners and it nearly killed, she couldn't walk through pain in her legs the next day. She has said that she would like to get fit like me and so I'm helping her. Why does it make it more accpetable to encourage a thin person to get fit and it's a faux pas to suggest it to a fat person?

I'd see if she wants to go walking with you. Take it from there. If she decines, there's nothing you can do.

TotemPole · 04/09/2011 21:39

It isn't just exercise, to get to and maintain 27 stone she must be consuming a large amount of calories and fat. That would need addressing as well.

A1980 · 04/09/2011 21:43

That's true totempole. Exercise wont help that much if she's over eating which she obviosuly must be.

How about the Op wants to diet and wants her friend to join too? I don't know!

tarponsspringsiloveyou · 04/09/2011 21:46

I am a larger woman, until 10 years ago i was a size 8 im now a 22. The reasons a very underactive Thyroid which the docs manage to control with meds. And an adrenaline gland prob.
To everyone on the outside im lazy, im not i'm very active. Did a half marathon 2 months ago.
Big doesnt always mean you eat too much, may be the case for a lot but not everyone.
Maybe your friend has an undiagnosed medical condition?

HeyYouJimmy · 04/09/2011 21:50

If I was very obese and a friend felt they had to tell me they were concerned for my health because I was overweight, well..........I'd bloody well thank them and consider them to be a true friend, not some so-called mate who would be more content to BS me and tell me I was fine the way I was.

TotemPole · 04/09/2011 21:51

She could suggest doing a healthy cookery course together.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 21:52

"If I was very obese"

Should we assume you aren't then?

Because as an obese person, I'm well aware of my weight and would not need (or appreciate) being told about it by someone who I thought saw me as more than just fat.

Crumbletopping · 04/09/2011 22:00

Haven't read whole thread but having a good chuckle at Forever's suggestion of sending book called "Pig to twig" in the post!!! May be a quick way to lose a friend.

It's a tricky one. My Mum has recently pointed out how rotund I have become. I was very upset but took it much better from her than a friend and am acting to go from pig to twig.

naughtaless · 04/09/2011 22:06

She knows cleanteeth, leave her be.

Theala · 04/09/2011 22:10

Maybe, tarpon. And maybe also cleanteeth's friend is like my friend, who was told at age 36 that his triglyclerides were so high that if he carried on the way he was, he wouldn't live to see 40 or his young son grow up. Obviously, we all knew he was fat, but we didn't realise he was so close to killing himself because of it.

Similarly, when I was rushed to hospital last year with a suspected clot on the brain from smoking and taking the pill, we all knew that smoking a pack a day was a bad idea, but we didn't realise I was so close to killing myself because of it.

If you're 27 stone, you're not 'overweight', you're seriously obese. You are in imminent danger of killing yourself because of your weight. I know that this is an emotional issue, but those people saying "just leave it, she knows she's overweight" are misguided, imo.

You don't get to 27 stone without having psychological problems; same as you generally don't get to be an alcoholic or a drug addict without having psychological problems, and you need to confront those problems to start dealing with your addiction issues. If your friends can help you to realise that, the they're doing you a massive favour. But like any addict, things aren't suddenly going to get better by everyone ignoring the problem and acting like nothing's wrong.