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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my friend to lose weight?

112 replies

cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:10

Ok, so I would never actually ask her to do that. However, I would like to try and encourage her to lose some in as nice a way as possible.

She is a very big girl, I dont know exact size as its rude to ask but I would guess around 27 stone. I dont care what she looks like or anything but I'm just worried for her health really, plus I think it affects her confidence a lot.

I love her loads and really dont want to offend her, how can I encourage her to start losing weight??

OP posts:
TheMonster · 04/09/2011 18:35

Shock at sending books.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:36

Perhaps you could try telling her she is disgusting and fat, after all it worked for you! [joke]

Look, without being facetious, does she know she is overweight. If so then you don't need to tell her. Does she want to lose weight. If so then she doesn't need encouragement.

What do you think she needs from you exactly?

HipHopOpotomus · 04/09/2011 18:36

In brief, but out. If you are a real friend you will accept her as she is.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:38

' I just want some advice on how you would like to be approached'

but WHY? why would you even think it was necessary to approach her about it?

how do you think you can make her life better by doing this - or is it for you, because you don't like her being fat?

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 04/09/2011 18:40

I think fat is the last taboo. How many people would hesitate to talk to a friend who was smoking 50 fags a day and was clearly suffering from it? I would be concerned if I had a friend eatign themselves into an early grave, but ettiquette prevents you from expressing that concern. Ultimately you can do nothing but support her as soon as she's ready to tackle it herself.

TheMonster · 04/09/2011 18:40

I think GLoria has hit the nail on the head. Do you not like being seen with her or something?

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:42

I meant more in terms of projection really.

OP has 'got there' but maybe, I don't know, do you think you need someone else's weight to worry about? Because it really isn't your problem.

It shouldn't even be an issue if you are proper friends, she might initiate discussion about it and you could listen, but you should never get involved in trying to make her change her habits or her body because they belong to her.

spookshowangellovesit · 04/09/2011 18:43

help her by building up her confidence, taking her out places, helping her see past herself. not by telling her something she already knows.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/09/2011 18:43

Can you spring for a spa day or an overnighter as a special treat for yourself and invite her to be your guest as you don't want to go alone?

If she experiences being pampered for a day - or even a few hours in a local beauty parlour - it may help her self-esteem.

DimplesOHara · 04/09/2011 18:44

Does she moan about being overweight? If she does then this would be the only 'safe' way to approach her about it IMHO.
I'm a good couple (almost into double figures) of stone overweight, it never used to bother me much as I carried it well and would only do half arsed diets because I never found THAT reason, the one that clicks you into thinking I NEED to do this until I had my DD, and now I've had that 'Click' go off I realised I was kidding myself before.
Now my BF who is bigger than me used to say 'I shouldn't be eating this, that,0 etc' but never mentioned losing weight so I never said anything but now says 'Aw I'd love to lose weight' and now I tell her straight that she can, but needs to find the right reason and that I'll be there to help when she does.

So
If she mentions losing weight = you can offer to help
If she doesn't = shut up about it :o

AlpinePony · 04/09/2011 18:44

Ffs who on earth is recommending swimming? You think she's going to want to put on a swimming costume in public? Give me strength.

FredBare · 04/09/2011 18:45

if you are overweight, say something like oh i am thinking of going to weightwatchers/joining a gym/going for walks etc and say you need someone to keep you company

if that doesnt work, keep quiet. If she wants to lose weight she will. She may well be going to slimming club or whatever just not telling all and sundry

Glitterknickaz · 04/09/2011 18:46

If any 'friend' of mine did this to me (and yes I am overweight, and I know it) tnen I really would tell them to mind their own business. My appearance is nobody's business but my own.

I wouldn't be impressed by someone dressing it up by professing it's their business because they care either.... it would be an entirely different matter if I asked for their help.

MadamDeathstare · 04/09/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cleanteeth · 04/09/2011 18:49

exactly what fuckity has said.
I dont give a shit what she looks like, she could be the worlds biggest munter and I wouldn't care. I'm not friends with her for her looks...

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 04/09/2011 18:50

Sppok has it spot on.the best thing you can do is make her feel a million dollars , happy and confident.that will put her in a good place to tackle her weight if theat's what she wants to do.
Don't ask her to exercise or join a diet club with you-she will see through that at 50 paces.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 18:50

"How many people would hesitate to talk to a friend who was smoking 50 fags a day and was clearly suffering from it?"

I'd suspect they already knew. If they asked for my help/advice I'd give it though.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:53

Ok, so:

'fuckityfuckfuckfuck Sun 04-Sep-11 18:40:14
I think fat is the last taboo. How many people would hesitate to talk to a friend who was smoking 50 fags a day and was clearly suffering from it? I would be concerned if I had a friend eatign themselves into an early grave, but ettiquette prevents you from expressing that concern. Ultimately you can do nothing but support her as soon as she's ready to tackle it herself.'

Well, if I had a friend who was smoking 50 a day and suffering I would still not bring the subject up unless they did because they would clearly have a big problem that I would be out of my depth trying to tackle, and they would obviously be already fairly out of control of their own habit.

I wouldn't presume to be able to help with that. I would continue to support them as a friend - that is looking past the habit, the behaviour, to what makes them a real person that I love.

Expressing my concern wouldn't help them ONE TINY BIT. It would probably do more harm than good.

If I couldn't handle it I would have to offload elsewhere or stop being their friend. It really is that simple.

Cereal · 04/09/2011 18:54

YABU.

If she wants your help with diet and exercise she'll ask for it.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:55

Basically OP you want to 'ask her to lose weight' because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

That's not about her at all...she cannot change, even if she wants to it will be up to her.

You can either handle it or you can't.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 04/09/2011 18:56

I don't want to soud patronising but many pople don't realise they have a problem. I had a friend express concern to me when I had PND and was convinced I was managing fine, when in fact I wasn't at all. It was her talking to me that made me get help. So yes, I would express concern, only as I know how it helped me in the past. It takes a good friend to be brave enough to suggest you may not be coping, and I'll forever be grateful that she did.

SDTGisAnEvilGenius · 04/09/2011 18:56

God - I am glad I am not the only one who thinks that foreveronadiet's idea of sending her diet books in the post is a dreadful idea! Whether you send them anonymously or not, she's going to be horribly hurt and upset by this.

Speaking as someone who is very overweight, I'd say that the thing that would help me the most would be someone who turned up two or three times a week to go to the gym with me. Once I'm there, I work pretty hard (at least, I think I do) and I know that, in the past, I have lost weight just through regular exercise - but I suffer depression, lack of self esteem, and no motivation at all - and this makes it very unlikely that I'd get to the gym under my own steam.

OP - wait until your friend asks for your help, and then you can be there for her 100% - sharing diet tips and recipes, and encouraging her to exercise - in ways that she enjoys (that is key). Until then, just be her friend, and let her know that you think she is beautiful inside and out, and help her to feel good about herself.

One interesting point that I got from a Guardian article my mum sent me through the post (and whilst I appreciate that she cares for me, this bloody well did hurt my feelings, which is why I know the diet books through the post thing is such a bad idea) - is that fat is an active organ of the body, and excretes a hormone that actually makes you feel dreadful - tired, lethargic and no energy. Add that to the sheer difficulty of dragging round so many extra stone (for me, the equivalent of an average size woman on my back), and you'll understand why weightloss and exercise are so bloody hard.

GloriaVanderbilt · 04/09/2011 18:56

and if she is stuck in a place where it is making her miserable, well, maybe that is hard for you to be around. But take her at face value and if you can't handle her exactly as she is then don't try to change her. Just stop seeing her so much.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 04/09/2011 18:57

Why are people assuming OP is embarassed about her friends weight? That's your prejudice, not hers. Again, if it were smoking you wouldn;t be jumping on OP in a similar way.

Empusa · 04/09/2011 18:58

fuckity PND is a little bit different to being overweight. Anything depression based is likely to involve an element of denial. Being overweight, unless someone isn't dressing themselves/looking in mirrors/looking down, is something you cannot miss.

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