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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to ask for Father's blessing?

113 replies

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:05

WE have decided to get married, been together 5 years, living together 2 and 1/2 years.
Im not having a formal engagement (no ring or proposal) and im a bit of a feminist so there will be no name changes.
My father however is quite traditional, myself and DP are going to look round venues this week.
Not one person from either family has said congratulations at our news, my dad is being particularly quiet about the whole thing.
I believe he is waiting for my DP to "go and have a chat."
DP is refusing saying it is outdated and that i cannot "have it both ways" by this he means be a feminist and ask him to do this.
My reason is that its not for me its for my dad.
DP says he is not just going to rub my dad's ego.

Opinions would be helpful....am i being silly?!

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 23/08/2011 10:06

Yabu. I dont blame your dp. It makes me cringe.

ComeWhineWithMe · 23/08/2011 10:07

Yes you are being silly. Your famiies are being rather rude too.

baguettecut · 23/08/2011 10:08

It's not 1935 any more.

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 10:08

YABU. He is marrying you, not asking for a transfer of ownership.

beckybrastraps · 23/08/2011 10:09

Why has nobody said congratulations? What have they said about you getting married?

TeamDamon · 23/08/2011 10:10

What century is your father living in, never mind you! Surely this has been outdated for decades - does anyone really do this any more?

Just cringeworthy. YABU - your DP is quite right - makes a bit of a mockery of any feminist ideals you claim to have.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 10:10

You have been living together for two and half years just what do you think your Dad could tell him?

Sorry in this day and age its very silly.

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 10:12

Your father is traditional, he is hurt that your DP has not spoken to him. Your dp can speak to him in a way that assuages both stances (I would like to marry girly and hope I have your blessing). Your dp is being VVU imo. It's not about massaging your dad's ego but about accepting the era your dad was brought up in.

steamedtreaclesponge · 23/08/2011 10:13

Yes, you're being silly. You're a grown woman, not a child or a possession.

Your families are being very U for not saying congratulations though - do you know why? It seems very rude of them.

charitygirl · 23/08/2011 10:13

Your DP INBU! You need to not second guess your Dad - if he really is sulking about not being asked permission then he is an utter fool. But maybe he hates your DP and was hoping you'd break up instead...

And if you were prepared to 'humour' your father about this, then really, you're not much of a feminist.

TimeWasting · 23/08/2011 10:16

Who even does that any more?

Y and your Dad ABU.

If DP speaks to your Dad, either you're being hypocritical, or you genuinely think he needs your father's permission to marry you.
Do you need your father's permission?

PhilipJFry · 23/08/2011 10:16

I think you're being a little silly, but I don't mean that in a mean way. You've been put in an awkward position where you're not sure why people aren't offering congratulations and that must be very hard. And you see your father also reacting in a way you didn't hope for and want to fix it. It's very rude of no one to be celebrating your commitment and really odd- why might they be doing that?

Why don't you take your dad out for a meal together and try and have a nice time together? Chat about the wedding and how you want him to be involved. See how he feels then.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:18

Yes, i agree with all of your opinions so thanks...i hate the whole idea of it so maybe i am asking too much for my DP to appreciate that my ideas are not my fathers.
I am not asking DP to ask Permission but I think my dad is being quiet because he is expecting at least a conversation with DP before we start planning the wedding. FOr example i told my uncles we were going to look at the function suites in our football club (we are all season ticket holders) and my dad went into a huff because one of them asked if my DP had asked.
My dad is a child of very strict 1950's parents, my grandfather ruled with an iron fist and my dad's parenting style has been very reserved.
One of my uncles gave me a hug after this conversation and i realised it was the first and only congratulations ive had. They havent really said very much apart from DM telling me "not to go over the top"

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 23/08/2011 10:20

I think you're kind of trying to avoid the real issue, which is that your family are being pretty mean in not celebrating your good news. You are in danger of making this your DP's fault, which it isn't.
When you've been living together for over two years I think it would be a bit daft for your DP to be expected to go and ask for your father's "blessings". Bit late for that isn't it? Maybe your family are being quieter than you'd have liked because they see the marriage as just formalising the arrangement, rather than a big celebration as you do.

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 10:22

How old is your Dad?

Lucyinthepie · 23/08/2011 10:22

Mind you, you could have involved your family a bit more in your plans? Like asking if mum and dad would like to visit the possible venues and help you choose? Maybe they feel a bit out of it all? Just a thought.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/08/2011 10:25

Why don't you go and ask for his blessing?

That seems a better compromise than play acting some notion about asking for permission.

charitygirl · 23/08/2011 10:25

How mean of your Dad! I think you should be glad your DP supports you in not upholding these silly traditions - which dont even mean anything to YOU. Think Lucy is right - you may be used to accepting your family's unreasonbableness, but allow your DP to give you a reality check and support you.

LynetteScavo · 23/08/2011 10:26

I think your DP should have a chat with your dad...without rubbing his ego, caually find out how he's feeling about the wedding....maybe they are wondering if they will be expected to contribute to the cost, or are feeling left out because they want to contribute, and you are not including them in choosing a venue. This may placate your dad into feeling as though he has been asked.

On the other hand, maybe they don't like your DP and are not happy to hear you are getting married?

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 10:26

"...I agree with all of your opinions.."

all? NOt everybody said the same thing girly.

mayorquimby · 23/08/2011 10:28

My gf expects me to do it when we get engaged. Her sisters husband did it and she says her father appreciated the gesture etc.
I'm dead set against it, could cause some arguments in the future.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 23/08/2011 10:31

Hahahaha I thought springydaffs was being really patronising calling OP 'girly' but it's her NN...phew.

OP, YABU. Your DP does not need your father's blessing. Your dad is being a curmudgeon.

rainbowinthesky · 23/08/2011 10:32

My father was against my marriage to dp because he is very old fashioned too. His reasoning were slightly different as rather than seeing me as his possession to pass on to another man, he disagreed on the grounds that dh was a different race (ahh, bless 1950s men).

squeakytoy · 23/08/2011 10:32

Are you going to have a church wedding, and will you be asking your dad to "give you away"?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/08/2011 10:34

OP... If you're close to your dad, why didn't you have a conversation with him before you announced it? I agree, it's odd that you'd even think it relevant for your DP to ask your dad; you're living together and have been for years.

The fact that no congratulations have been forthcoming from anybody though... is there a chance that your family aren't happy about it? Confused

What do you expect from them/your dad?