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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to ask for Father's blessing?

113 replies

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:05

WE have decided to get married, been together 5 years, living together 2 and 1/2 years.
Im not having a formal engagement (no ring or proposal) and im a bit of a feminist so there will be no name changes.
My father however is quite traditional, myself and DP are going to look round venues this week.
Not one person from either family has said congratulations at our news, my dad is being particularly quiet about the whole thing.
I believe he is waiting for my DP to "go and have a chat."
DP is refusing saying it is outdated and that i cannot "have it both ways" by this he means be a feminist and ask him to do this.
My reason is that its not for me its for my dad.
DP says he is not just going to rub my dad's ego.

Opinions would be helpful....am i being silly?!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 10:34

then I think you are being very unkind mayor. You don't have to ask for his permission - I agree that that is completely out of order and repugnant - but you can ask for his blessing.

worldgonecrazy · 23/08/2011 10:34

Is DP expecting you to walk down the aisle as equals too, or is he going to deny your Dad that experience?

Yes, it's the 21st century, but that doesn't mean that dads dont' spend their whole lives dreaming of the day that their "little girl" will walk down the aisle with them and go on to marry a man she loves and cares for, and who will love her and care for her in return.

Is it really about principles, or is it about letting your Dad have his moment? So what if it is a bit of ego-stroking? How much is it actually going to hurt anyone to do it?

Are you going to go through the entire wedding ceremony and remove all references that could be regarded as vaguely sexist? Are you going to refuse to use the word "husband" during the service, given it's origins as meaning the head of the household?

Have you thought about trying to reach a compromise on this? There may be one if you both want it enough.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:34

My dad is 53 Mitmoo.
I suppose i am trying to humour my father, i made a comment to my mum about my dad being quiet and him waiting for a chat with DP and she agreed that its ridiculous and "nobody does that anymore" yet she isnt prepared to discuss it with my father.
We are talking about a man who didnt speak to me for a week when i had a tattoo (aged 21) and i guess at 26 i am still wanting his praise...which is ridiculous

OP posts:

diddl · 23/08/2011 10:36

Think the problem is with your dad-unless you are expecting him to finance it all with no input.

mayorquimby · 23/08/2011 10:38

Fair enough springydaffs but it's just not something I'm prepared to do (who knows might get badgered into it to keep the peace later), as far as I'm concerned we're two adults making a decision to spend our lives together the only persons permission I need is hers.

TimeWasting · 23/08/2011 10:38

I did the walking down the aisle and not making a speech myself bit at our wedding. Pandering to Dad's ego and everyone's expectations.
I wish I hadn't now.

As rainbow points out, these little 'traditional' beliefs are rooted in inequality.

borderslass · 23/08/2011 10:39

DH is 54 and traditional in some respects [went mental at DD1 getting tattoo a week after her 18th] but if she decided to get married he wouldn't expect her BF to ask his permission or give his blessing she's an adult and its her choice. We've been together 22 years and he didn't speak to my dad we just told them we where getting married and he was an extremely old fashioned man.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:40

As regarding the congratulations i think they are happy and nothing has ever been said about my choice of DP. As someone already said that the family are just expecting marriage as formalising our current commitment to each other.

My families are very traditional with regards to marriage before children my cousin (26) used the word "out of wedlock" the other day and got the piss ripped out of her.

Regarding gettting my father involved...i just wanted to plan with my DP as too many chefs etc....cannot take my parents without offending DP's parents!!!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 10:42

why is it ridiculous? He's your dad. He doesn't own you but he has traditional values and those will have affected your childhood and your view of him as your father. re you will be more keen for his approval than you would've been if he were less traditional. And? Has he been a good dad? Does he love you? imo your DP is cruel not to speak to him, knowing that it would mean a lot to him. It is a slap in the face not to - he won't be asking for his permission but his blessing.

oh my, I wonder how liberated, feminist DP will be when, cast forward a few decades, and some bloke goes off with his daughter without a backward glance.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:42

Oh and no, my parents have offered an amount of money, but myself and DP have been saving a while and will be funding 80% of the wedding.

OP posts:

RoseC · 23/08/2011 10:43

OP my Dad is 76 (I'm 24) and very, very traditional. I'm living with my DP, which gave him a bit of a shock (thank goodness he gets on with him!), but he would never ignore my engagement if it were to happen. I am of the same mindset as you and would be horrified if my DP had a 'chat' with my Dad.

Maybe you could arrange a chat on your terms? Will he be walking you to the front of the hall? That's something that my DM has already asked me to let my Dad do if the time comes - it means far, far more to him than five minutes of bending my principles does to me. If you want him to have some kind of role in your day (speeches, walking you, organising something) then maybe you could both go to see him and sit down with him and have a chat generally on the lines of 'We're getting married on X and we'd love you to do Y'. If you have that kind of relationship could you ask him for tips on a good marriage (whether you'll take them or not - just a way to make him feel included)?

Your DP sounds like a wonderful feminist - you're both very lucky, congratulations on your engagement!

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:47

Springydaffs that's exactly what i said to DP!!!

Yes i think i have always wanted approval from my dad, and yes its an ego rub...but like someone said its not going to harm anyone.

As a compromise we may go together, but then i know DP wont speak and will just let me do all the talking (which isnt really the point)

OP posts:

TimeWasting · 23/08/2011 10:50

I think it does harm. It perpetuates the myth that you need your Father's permission or blessing or whatever. We are not equal.

I can't believe you're seriously considering this.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:51

RoseC
I dont think they are ignoring it i think they are going along with our "low-key" arrangement.
Ive told my parents im not having a ring because DP cannot really afford it, and we would rather spend the money on the house/something for both of us.
Yes i will be wanting my dad walking me into my venue...but no handing me over!!!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/08/2011 10:52

OP... Do you think your dad might be sad at 'losing you'? The tattoo comment made me wonder... it's as if he's keeping hold of you and keeping you a child when you aren't. I think in your position, if you do have a nice relationship with him, I'd go fishing with him or some other kind of father/daughter bonding activity just to talk things through.

I wouldn't bother about DP going to speak to him, it sounds very much like this is between you and your dad.

charitygirl · 23/08/2011 10:53

Springydaffs - you keep talking as if it's a given that a father should or does expect some say or some come consideration in who his daughter lives with/marries. It simply isn't the case for many fathers, including ones much older than the OP's father. And even if it was, they could still go and swivel in my opinion.

And would it 'mean a lot to him' because he loves his daughter so much (I dint see how that follows but anyway) or because he feels this is the 'respect' he is due. It does sound like the latter to me. And that SO unreasonable.

OP - this is an opportunity to (just slightly) free yourself from seeking your father's approval. Take it!

Vicky2011 · 23/08/2011 10:57

OP your Dad is 53 not 93!! I think you are being far too understanding of your father. My Dad is only just the right side of 80 but would never, NEVER have expected such a thing! I don't blame your DP at all. He must be quite baffled.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:58

Yeah maybe try and talk things through.
He isnt much of a talker though, and tends to just go into silent sulks if he doesnt like something, making him very hard to get some sense out of.

DP thinks he is a control freak which goes with the "losing" concept. We had a major family row as he didnt speak to my brother for three months when he decided to quit full time uni in nottingham, come home to manc and get a job and do day release at uni...three months is a long sulk!!!

OP posts:

TimeWasting · 23/08/2011 11:00

So, he's going to be a pain in the arse no matter what you do.

VelvetSnow · 23/08/2011 11:02

If you don't believe in something then why pander to someone else just to make them happy.

Stand by what you believe in

Having said that, the proudest day of my dad's life was the day he walked me down the aisle (his words, not mine) I am happy I gave him that - even though I was divorced a year later

If I were you I'd have a chat with your dad, he needs to understand that the world has moved on...

When you were a child your father may have been thinking about who you would marry, what it would be like, how proud he would be etc - he may have had it all planned out - he may not see it (DP asking for blessing) as you being his possession, but as a mark of respect by your DP, who knows......you know men and their respect blah de blah

Speak to your dad and everything will be fine.

Congratulations by the way :)

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 11:04

Charity i think thats why my DP is baffled...he believes that my dad believes he deserves this "respect" as my father.
But maybe you are right...start as i mean to go on and just let him get over it!!! And if i start giving in now it will be a long journey to my wedding day.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 11:04

"its an ego rub..."

I don't believe it is an ego rub. It is tradition, his tradition, the way he sees it, the way he was brought up, what is important to him. He's not going to get the permission thing (if he's expecting it) but a compromise is easily possible = win/win.

tbh if anybody is on an ego thing it's your DP.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:09

Try and talk to your family. The whole lack of reaction seems rather odd, particularly if they are traditional and expect marriage to come before living together - you'd think they'd be extra happy you're formalising the relationship. It might be the whole 'talk' thing, but it might be something completely different! Maybe they wanted to pay for it all, or don't like the idea of no engagement ring (my father was oddly fixated on me getting a diamond solitaire ring . ) I wouldn't assume that it's the lack of the 'blessing'.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 23/08/2011 11:11

Your father must have been a brilliant pouter as a child!

CoffeeOne · 23/08/2011 11:13

Congratulations :)

I haven't any helpul thoughts either way I think it's something very personal to your family and you're going to have to figure this out amongst yourselves. I just wanted to mention that this practice isn't as uncommon as people seem to believe on this thread. My brother asked for his wife's 'hand'. My partner plans to ask my father when we get engaged. Over the last couple of years there have been a lot of engagements amongst friends (mid to late twenties) and the majority of them the DH has asked for the father's blessing/permission beforehand. So I don't think your father is being unreasonable, but I don't think your partner is either.

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