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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want DP to ask for Father's blessing?

113 replies

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:05

WE have decided to get married, been together 5 years, living together 2 and 1/2 years.
Im not having a formal engagement (no ring or proposal) and im a bit of a feminist so there will be no name changes.
My father however is quite traditional, myself and DP are going to look round venues this week.
Not one person from either family has said congratulations at our news, my dad is being particularly quiet about the whole thing.
I believe he is waiting for my DP to "go and have a chat."
DP is refusing saying it is outdated and that i cannot "have it both ways" by this he means be a feminist and ask him to do this.
My reason is that its not for me its for my dad.
DP says he is not just going to rub my dad's ego.

Opinions would be helpful....am i being silly?!

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 23/08/2011 11:15

I agree with Puffin - not offering congratulations is deeply odd, and would make me think there was something seriously up that they weren't telling me.

Forget asking for blessings. I think you need to talk to all of them, just ask them outright if there is a problem. It may not even be to do with the wedding directly.

Oh, and 53 years old=born in 58, so 60s child really. Age is not an excuse for being an arse.

minipie · 23/08/2011 11:16

Sorry but your dad is being childish. He must know that you are going to get married whether he gives his "permission" or "blessing" or not. Therefore the whole thing would be a total charade if your DF actually went through with it, and he knows that. I don't blame your DF at all for not wanting to play act in that way.

It sounds like your dad makes a habit of using sulks to get his own way. If you and DF give in to this you are only perpetuating the idea that this works as a way to get his own way.w

LadyThumb · 23/08/2011 11:16

So all of you saying it is out-dated wouldn't wear a white wedding dress and be 'given away' in the traditional sense? You'd just walk up the aisle in trackies and trainers on your own? Then again, you probably wouldn't be in church in the first place!

TimeWasting · 23/08/2011 11:18

Certainly wouldn't get married in a church Lady, that would be hypocritical.
Wish I hadn't been walked up the aisle.
Loved my dress, but wish I'd not spent so much on it.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 23/08/2011 11:19

PMSL at the idea of my lovely Dad spending his "whole life" dreaming about walking me down the aisle :o

Thankfully his life is a little too full for that kind of histrionic bullshit.

mayor - you are right, stick to your guns.

A man to man request for "blessing" is just the traditional goods transfer.

Going along with ugly traditions is nothing to be proud of.

TheSmallClanger · 23/08/2011 11:22

No, I didn't marry in church, or wear a traditional dress (not trackies and trainers though, have some class). DH and I did the sub 5-second aisle walk at the registry office together.

It was not up to my dad whether or not I married DH. Dad is quite socially awkward and I think he was relieved that all he had to do was turn up, eat dinner afterwards and talk to people he already knew.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/08/2011 11:32

I wore red, married in a reg office and didnt even invite family, just me, dh, kids and a load of really good mates. Family are a pain in the arse....everyone we know wishes they had the guts to do a wedding like ours, twas fantatsic. I love my Dad to bits but the very idea of him being asked for my hand i find incredibly insulting and makes me feel quite angry.

minipie · 23/08/2011 11:52

Yes, I got married in church, wore a white dress and was walked up the aisle (not given away) by my dad. But those were my and my DH's choices - not agreed to reluctantly to keep an unreasonable parent happy.

I think every person is entitled to pick and choose the traditions they want to follow for their wedding. And if there is a tradition that the OP and her DP do not agree with or believe in, such as "asking permission/blessing" they should not be bullied into it by the OP's dad throwing his toys out of the pram.

VelvetSnow · 23/08/2011 11:52

spending your "whole life" dreaming about walking your daughter down the aisle would be silly.

But a father pondering his daughters future from time to time is not that difficult to believe.

NorfolkBroad · 23/08/2011 11:54

YABU. I agree with your DP.

redexpat · 23/08/2011 11:56

Here's the thing about weddings and families. You have to pick your battles. I don't think there's anything wrong with your DP trying to talk to your Dad for the sake of smoothing things over, it's not like it will change your situation. And yes it is rooted in inequality, but hey I think equal pay is more important.

NorfolkBroad · 23/08/2011 11:58

However, if my dad was nice to my DP generally then she would certainly have a chat with him. If he was grumpy and critical of her then she wouldn't.

SpringHeeledJack · 23/08/2011 12:06

it's not like your dad is in his 70s, here- we're talking about a youngish man!

I seriously think that if your dp goes along with this, it just won't stop- the next thing is you'll have another big sulk on your hands about speeches, giving you away, etc etc

I bet your dp is ever so confused about this...how can you say on the one hand that you're a feminist, and then on the other hand try to persuade him to go along with all this patriarchal stuff? Because that's what it is, no doubt about it

have the wedding you and dp want, not what other people want.

rainbowinthesky · 23/08/2011 12:21

No white wedding in church here. Registry office and no white dress. No father present either.

hocuspontas · 23/08/2011 12:26

Your dad is younger than me, has women's lib not entered his consciousness yet?

If any of my dds or their partners 'asked' anything of dp regarding marriage etc I would be hurt because we have brought the dds up together, dp isn't 'head of the family' and if courtesy of any sort was necessary (which it isn't in my book), then I would expect it to be extended to both of us.

ZacharyQuack · 23/08/2011 12:36

Could you and your DP invite your mum and dad out for dinner?

Try to break the ice, get chatting about weddings and marriage, plans for the future. It might help them both start to feel more involved, without having any specific gender roles.

How are your DP's parents reacting? Could you get both sets of parents together?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 23/08/2011 12:44

So your dad is a sulker? Very manipulative and childish Hmm

I think you need to ignore his sulks and send the clear message, by doing so, that you won't be manipulated by your dad any longer.

springydaffs · 23/08/2011 12:52

Perhaps, at the aforementioned dinner, you could broach the subject square on instead of skirting around it and pretending it doesn't exist. You could something like 'dad, were you expecting dp to ask you before he asked me? I'm really sorry if it has offended/hurt you that he didn't - it wasn't meant as an insult at all, promise! It's just that blah blah blah [equality / ownership stuff]". At least then you will have talked to him about it.

aw spring (great name) I liked the 53 is quite young bit.

Ephiny · 23/08/2011 12:58

Are you sure that's what the problem is? It seems very odd that no one from your side of the family has even said congratulations - are you sure there isn't something else going on? Have they had any problem with your DP before?

I'm not a fan of the 'asking the father' tradition personally. I know some people think it's a nice thing to do, and that's fine. But I really don't think you/DP are obliged to do this for your dad, when he can't even have the manners to say congratulations!

Maybe you all need to have a talk, and try to work out what's going on.

Original poster
bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 12:59

Yes unforunately chaotic, he is all 3 of those things.

Hocus, what really gets me is that he nearly didnt marry my mother in '81 because she refused to put obey into her vows!!! He said if it was good enough for his mother it was good enough for his wife...hope you get the picture.

I havent fallen out with my DP about it so I just wont mention it again and leave it as that.

My DP's mother is v.excited as DP's brother got married this june, we put off our plans until their wedding was over as his wife is a "problem" and DP's father thinks im abit "bolshy" and never really says much.

OP posts:
SpringHeeledJack · 23/08/2011 13:04

@ springy - I only say it's quite young as I'm only 8 years younger than TradDad Grin

springboksaplenty · 23/08/2011 13:04

I made it clear to my dh that he was to ask for my dads blessing before proposing. I viewed it as a sign of respect to my dad and I would have been upset if my dh refused to do it. Honestly I think if he refused to compromise on this, I would have had doubts about his respect for me.

I'm not my dads possession and he in fact said to my dh "you know she can still so no"! I don't think my dad would have been upset if he hadn't but I certainly would have been.

SpringHeeledJack · 23/08/2011 13:07

another springy!

takes all sorts, eh- my poor dad would die of embarrassment if dp asked for my hand in marriage!

supadupapupascupa · 23/08/2011 13:10

My DH refused to ask for permission, but he did tell my dad that he was going to propose, and that it would mean a lot to him to have my father's blessing.
It made my dad's year I think Grin.

Only you know your dad, and sometimes it is worth biting your lip and doing something to make someone else happy.

I always try to pick my battles, and reserve putting my foot down until it really matters. Only you and your fiance can decide whether or not your principles on this matter are worth more than making your dad happy. Personally I don't think it is a big deal just for the sake of a few words....

Pandemoniaa · 23/08/2011 13:14

I can see two sides to this and certainly it is well worth picking your battles so far as weddings are concerned. We're not, in any way, a "traditional" family but actually, ds2 did take his fiancee's father out for a pint and say he planned to propose on Valentine's Day and wanted his prospective FIL to be one of the first to know. Prospective FIL was delighted, many more pints were sunk and the announcement was received very enthusiastically by the whole family.

In doing this, nobody abandoned feminist principles because actually, nobody's "permission" was sought. It's important to point out that we don't tolerate sulking on either side of a very extended family though and if someone has something to say they are expected to do that thing. Prolonged silences get you precisely nowhere.

I think you are in a difficult position OP precisely because it'll probably be impossible to please your father from the sounds of it. It's now too late for anyone to be asking for "blessings" - it'd probably make matters worse anyway by coming across as a belated attempt to do what your father assumes is the "right thing". But I would just say that involving a father at the outset isn't necessarily a 1950s tradition. However, there are ways of doing this that are appropriate to today's values. Asking for permission, as such, being completely unnecessary!