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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DP to ask for Father's blessing?

113 replies

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 10:05

WE have decided to get married, been together 5 years, living together 2 and 1/2 years.
Im not having a formal engagement (no ring or proposal) and im a bit of a feminist so there will be no name changes.
My father however is quite traditional, myself and DP are going to look round venues this week.
Not one person from either family has said congratulations at our news, my dad is being particularly quiet about the whole thing.
I believe he is waiting for my DP to "go and have a chat."
DP is refusing saying it is outdated and that i cannot "have it both ways" by this he means be a feminist and ask him to do this.
My reason is that its not for me its for my dad.
DP says he is not just going to rub my dad's ego.

Opinions would be helpful....am i being silly?!

OP posts:

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 23/08/2011 13:14

I have to say if my (currently non existent) DP asked my 'father' for permission to marry me then I'd refuse to marry him. I'm nobody's possession and if someone had the attitude that I was then I wouldn't be marrying them.

MrsRobertDuvall · 23/08/2011 13:15

I thought your dad would be in his 70s from his attitude, but he is only 2 years older than me
That is not a normal attitude.
I'd go away and get married in private, then come back and tell them.

hocuspontas · 23/08/2011 13:17

But those of you who just view it as a sign of 'respect' to your dad, what about your mum? Isn't she worthy of respect as well? And don't say 'tradition' else I will go screaming through the house and frighten the dog...

VelvetSnow · 23/08/2011 13:19

tradition

summertimeblews · 23/08/2011 13:19

my OH respected my dad enough to tell him of our plans - and that was back in the dark ages of 1990!

It wasnt asking permission or any such crap, it was doing him the courtesy of letting dad know that OH wanted to marry me.

Mind you, neither me or OH see respect as a dirty word :) and we both actually like our parents and our families - shock! horror!

rainbowinthesky · 23/08/2011 13:22

hocuspontas - why would she need to be asked or her blessing seeked? SHe doesnt have ownership. Only the man does. [rolls eyes at hocuspontas's stupidity).

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 13:22

No, ideally id like my DP to check that he has both their blessings...he knows he should be speaking to both of them not just my father.

Mrs Duvall my family would have a meltdown if i did that!!

OP posts:

diddl · 23/08/2011 13:24

And if your parents don´t give their blessings?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 23/08/2011 13:27

Didn't your mother deserve any respect summertimeblews?

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 13:28

Well then im sure i would elope diddl (grin)

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 23/08/2011 13:32

"I viewed it as a sign of respect to my dad and I would have been upset if my dh refused to do it. Honestly I think if he refused to compromise on this, I would have had doubts about his respect for me."

And this is kind of where you get into a sort of infinite loop, because surely the hypothetical husband to be would equally be able to argue that if his partner is willing to try and force him to do something he fundamentally disagrees with and is not comfortable with then her respect for him and his beliefs would be in doubt.

diddl · 23/08/2011 13:34

So why does it matter?

If you intend to marry anyway.

And you´ve already told them & they don´t seem overjoyed, so what difference would it make?

hocuspontas · 23/08/2011 13:34

There, there, Princess. It was just that naughty Velvet...

springboksaplenty · 23/08/2011 13:39

Mayor I agree but I think it is up to each couple to come to what is an acceptable compromise. This could be any topic really - children, work, religion etc. Ultimately I think it is better to find out about these things before 'tying the knot' and working out what each person believes in.

Original poster

bluemoongirly · 23/08/2011 13:39

Very true Diddl!!! Think i may have reached my point on this now.
Why effing bother trying to make everyone else happy?! Balls to it!!!

OP posts:

slhilly · 23/08/2011 13:42

I think ZacharyQuack was onto the right idea - reinvent the tradition in a way that's compatible with what you believe. Invite both sets of parents over for a celebration meal. Write a proper invite together, and get the wording to say something about the idea of the blessing, good wishes and support of all of your parents being vv important to you.

VelvetSnow, when you use that word in this context, is my reflex memory.

Ephiny · 23/08/2011 13:44

Perhaps you and DP could meet with both your parents together, and say something like you hope you have their blessing and goodwill. That should cover the 'respect' angle, and also give them a chance to say whatever their problem or concern is, without you mentioning the lack of congratulations in a confrontational way?

Ephiny · 23/08/2011 13:44

Or what slhilly said :)

eurochick · 23/08/2011 13:45

chaoticangel I completely agree. If my now husband had asked my father's permission that would have meant that he didn't know me at all and I couldn't have married him.

I think it is completely outmoded and sexist. It's not a tradition I wanted any part of.

Bluemoon I think this is more about you than your DP. You are about to start a new family with this man. Maybe it's time to stand firm and be your own person and not persuade him to do something neither of you actually want him to do just to please your father and gain his approval.

iwasyoungonce · 23/08/2011 13:47

If my DH had "had a little chat" with my dad to ask for his permission... (or however you want to dress this up)... I would have been horribly offended and very pissed off. I am not a piece of meat, I am not owned by anyone, and the only person that requires to give permission for my marriage is ME.

All this "little chats" amongst the men is so bloody sexist and arrogant, and thank GOD it is outdated in the main.

I have to add that my dad was a little put out, and would have LOVED to have been asked for my hand blah blah blah, but that is because he is a complete sexist and loves to think of himself as "the head of the household" etc. (boak at the expression). We didn't pander to it. If we pander to it we would just be carrying on this nonsense for the next generation.

Your DP is right. You can't have it both ways.

LolaRennt · 23/08/2011 13:54

Who died and left some of you the rulers of feminism? I think telling the OP she isn't a feminist is a fucking joke, you don't have a clue about anything besides this tiny situation. Talk about a fucking snap shot. It's why I stay well clear of the feminist boards.

OP I think your family are being very unreasonable and rude. I also think asking for a blessing and permission are two different things, so I think your partner could go ahead and ask if you wanted him to to..but I also don't think he should have to for your father to not get his pants in a twist. So don't know what to say really. In my grandmother's religion both parties ask each other's families for their blessing-this is to so both families are able to work any differences out before the wedding- not because your family own you.

minipie · 23/08/2011 14:30

Look, this is nothing to do whether asking for a blessing is sexist or not.

This is "something" that neither the OP or her DP want or agree with. It is something that only the OP's dad wants. It doesn't matter what the "something" is. The fact is, her dad shouldn't be sulking because the OP and DP are doing things their way rather than his way.

MumblingRagDoll · 23/08/2011 14:34

Take him and your Mum out for dinner...make an announcement in a formal style and order champagne....then YOU say thank you to them for being great parents and prime DH to toast them both.

That'll do. They shoul feel that you have nodded towards convention.

TheBigJessie · 23/08/2011 15:33

If my husband had informed my father of his wish to marry me before asking me, then we wouldn't have got married. I would not be willing to share my life with someone who thought either of my parents should take precedence over me like that.

It would, in my opinion, demonstrate a basic lack of respect for me. I recognise that everyone feels differently.

MumblingRagDoll · 23/08/2011 15:51

So should the OP divorce her Dad BigJessie ?

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