To want DP to ask for Father's blessing?

[bluemoongirly]

WE have decided to get married, been together 5 years, living together 2 and 1/2 years.
Im not having a formal engagement (no ring or proposal) and im a bit of a feminist so there will be no name changes.
My father however is quite traditional, myself and DP are going to look round venues this week.
Not one person from either family has said congratulations at our news, my dad is being particularly quiet about the whole thing.
I believe he is waiting for my DP to "go and have a chat."
DP is refusing saying it is outdated and that i cannot "have it both ways" by this he means be a feminist and ask him to do this.
My reason is that its not for me its for my dad.
DP says he is not just going to rub my dad's ego.

Opinions would be helpful....am i being silly?!

agree with minipie

No such procedure necessary, as I assume the OP is over 18. She should already be legally independent of him.

Not what you meant?

If bluemoongirly does decide that she also finds it an unacceptable attitude for a father to have towards his adult daughter, then she could always meet up with/phone up her father for "a little chat".

So you want your dp to do this so your dad will stop sulking?

And now you want the sphere of his control by sulking extended to include your dp?

You should be ending this for yourself, and not expecting your dp to become in cahoots with the whole immature set up!

My Dad was 60 the day before my husband and I got married and my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage when we got engaged (the year before ish). I really don't see the harm.

Isn´t the "harm" in this case that neither OP or her fiance want it, it would just be to appease her father?

Gonzo - if you don't see the harm, you are presumably content to be regarded as a possession or object to be passed from the ownership of one man to another, and indeed see yourself as such. Because that is basically what this 'tradition' is affirming.

If that is how you regard yourself, that is of course your business but since the OP regards herself as a feminist, it is unlikely that she feels this way also.

LolaRennt Tue 23-Aug-11 13:54:56
Who died and left some of you the rulers of feminism? I think telling the OP she isn't a feminist is a fucking joke, you don't have a clue about anything besides this tiny situation. Talk about a fucking snap shot. It's why I stay well clear of the feminist boards.

If you think that a man asking another man for his permission to marry a woman doesn't run counter to feminism, you really don't have a clue. And I say that as someone who frequently disagrees with many of the opinions expressed in the feminist topic.

She wants to make her Dad happy. She's willling to overlook her own ideals (in theory) in order to make him feel that he's done his job properly.

Her husband doesn't feel he should have to.

and indeed ...most of us on here agree that asking permission is a lot of bollocks...the issue REALLY is that in bending to her Dad's desire to be "respected" the OP is allowing the old patriarchy to win...she will be carrying on outdated traditions. Because she feels pressred to.

OP...on second thoughts I don't think you should agree to get DH to ask your Dad for permission. If your Dad has a problem with it...tough. Time to move on.

Your Dad belongs to the old school...that's his problem.

You seem to be reading a lot into what your Dad thinks. Probably he thinks that after living together all that time it is no big deal and won't make any difference so he is harly excited. Just invite him around for a meal and drink a toast.

hardly

I wouldn't have expected my DH to ask permission, especially not just to keep my Dad happy