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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? I really dont know....

106 replies

follyfoot · 26/07/2011 06:58

Got a big birthday next month. I had booked a couple of days off work to make a long weekend and then also took A level results day off to be at home for DD as it is around the same time. DH told me last night that he has arranged something for my birthday - its a trip away from what I can tell (5 days), which is very lovely of him. But.... we will be away from the morning of the A Level results :(

Apparently we cant go any later (am thinking its a flight maybe?) in the day. I havent had the heart to speak to DD about it yet, but have been awake most of the night worrying about what to do. She will be really upset, but probably wont show it cos she knows its a treat for me. DH has been very ill this year, so its lovely of him to do this, but am torn in half. My DD needs me that day, to celebrate or to commiserate and find a plan B if she doesnt get her Uni place. She is DH's step daughter; his DSs dont live with us, so although one of them is also getting his results that day, I dont think DH even thought of it, he just assumed I'd booked a few days off to relax (although I had told him).

Oh bugger.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2011 07:04

I think you'll have to explain to DH that you can't go away that weekend. You're not going to relax if you're worried about your daughter's reaction - even though I'm sure she could handle the situation quite well without you. I expect you're right that he hadn't noticed the dates clashed. Perhaps the weekend can be postponed and the booking changed without too much expense?

Original poster
follyfoot · 26/07/2011 07:06

I think he'll be really upset, suspect it took loads of planning. DD could handle most things but if it all goes wrong, there'll be no-one with her to give her a hug.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2011 07:19

Then you need to talk to both your DH and your DD and explain how you feel. Work on a solution between you. It could well be that your DD says 'go on the holiday mum, I'll be fine'... in which case you have to take her on face value, not assume she's just being kind and not be clingy. It could be that DH says he can tweak the arrangements. You won't know if you don't talk about it.

Original poster
follyfoot · 26/07/2011 07:30

Arrangements definitely not tweakable apparently, we have to go in the morning.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2011 08:04

If the holiday is unchangeable then your DD will have to manage results day herself. Assuming she's 17 or 18 she's probably capable of doing it with you on the end of the phone offering moral support. Is there any tangible reason why you think it might 'all go wrong'?

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 26/07/2011 08:07

What a lovely mum you are. Smile It would never have entered my mum's head to be there for me on results day. Sad

firsttimer84 · 26/07/2011 08:16

When I got my results I gave mum a ring at work (and honestly we are really close) and then started a very long party with friends! I thought it was the norm to celebrate/commiserate with friends on the day? Thought this may help with guilt your feeling re holiday, I would honestly go.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 26/07/2011 08:24

It all depends on how she does whether she needs you. My brother got his grades and so went straight to the pub. Me and my other brother missed by a few points and there were anxious hours and many phone calls to make before we both found out that we had got our places.

Does school have support lined up for those that need to call admissions tutors at unis/go through clearing etc or do they leave that up to students and parents?

Personally I would cancel and rebook for the following day.

CurrySpice · 26/07/2011 08:26

Will her dad be around to support her if she needs it?

fedupofnamechanging · 26/07/2011 08:27

So, you told your husband why you were booking this particular day off and he went ahead and booked the trip anyway? He hasn't listened to you. Sounds to me like he wants to go away and is imposing this trip on you and has conveniently 'forgotten' why you want to be home on that day. It's not a big deal to him, therefore he is showing little empathy as to why this is important to you.

I'd stay and be there for my DD. It might all be fine, but otoh, she might need support dealing with clearing if it's not gone well. Unfortunately it's one of those things that you won't know until the day.

Your husband has selfishly made this all about him imo.

CurrySpice · 26/07/2011 08:30

Karma I think that's ridiculous. Maybe the date just slipped his mind. Maybe it didn't cross his mind that it would be so important to the OP.

I know lots of MNers are keen to label every man as controlling but I think that is putting rather a negative spin on t to say the least!!

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 08:35

TBH I'd be pretty pissed off at DH in your position. I know he's trying to do a nice thing but he assumed you were free without checking with you first - he could have done that without giving the game away. And now rather than looking forward to your treat you're worried sick, rightly so, about your DD.

I know it's not helpful but my mum booked a holiday that meant she was away when I got my results. She's a secondary teacher so she definitely knew the date in advance. I was the only sad sack there on the day who didn't have her mum around to congratulate her. I got the top results possible and everyone was congratulating me and I just felt shit that my own mother wasn't there. It ruined the day.

How is your daughter's relationship with her stepdad? It seems odd to me that he wouldn't know she was getting her results - don't you all talk together?

cottonreels · 26/07/2011 08:38

I think you need DP to spill the beans on where youre going. See if its possible to fly back if youre needed. If its a cheap esayjet flight, maybe book it ahead of time and just dont turn up if you dont need it.
Do you have someone who could act in loco parentis for you - your brother/sister etc? Then schedule lots of time for phonecalls and have an internet connection on the morning, with the flight back upo if you need it.
Chances are, you daughter will be celebrating with her friends and wont need you after the first 5 min call.

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 08:41

I suspect DH never put the 2 things together ( mine wouldn't :o ) - see what happens when you let men surprise you.....

DD should be old enough to cope, you are only needed for a half an hour or so and only if she doesn't do so well. Can you call when she gets them?

VelveteenRabbit · 26/07/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblesincoffee · 26/07/2011 08:49

I think you have to talk about this with your dh, he needs to tell you the arrangements so that you can understand before you go, why they can't be changed. Otherwise you will resent the whole thing and not enjoy it anyway.

I think you need to take your dh's needs into consideration too here, he has been ill, and he needs you too, and I do believe that there are times when husbands have to come before children. This may or may not be one of them. Presumably he didn't do his on purpose, so give him the benefit of the doubt.

If your dd's dad is around, or GP's or parents of friends that she is close to, a nice boyfriend, or if you know there will be tutors at school to support her, I would go on the trip. But then although I was close to my Mum, I had moved out of home by her age and was living completely independantly. I wouldn't have wanted or needed my Mum around to help me comiserate or celebrate at her age, that's what my friends were for, and I ould have been more than capable of making the neccesary phonecalls myself.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/07/2011 08:52

Curry, maybe I am viewing it too negatively, but if I told my DH that I wanted to be home for my DD's results I'd expect him to remember that. Tbh, my DH would instinctively know that without needing to be told.

If the OP had not mentioned it, then I would just view it as a nice surprise with unfortunate timing, but she did tell him, so I do think there is some selective memory going on here. Hopefully, I am wrong.

bumpsoon · 26/07/2011 09:01

My SIL was on holiday with us when her eldest ds got his A level results , he didnt do aswell as he had hoped but still got into where he wanted . He really didnt mind his mum not being there ,not sure if that is a boy thing though. TBH i think you are probably more worked up about this than your DD will be , she will go and get her results with her peers ,who she would then celebrate or otherwise with , i imagine you would only be getting a phone call during the day wouldnt you ? or a brief 'here are my results, im going out ' visit ? Also school will be able to offer practical help/advice should the worst happen .

MigratingCoconuts · 26/07/2011 09:02

i think you should go.

I teach sixth form and really believe that your DD can deal with this by herself. The worst case senario is that she hasn't got her grades and doesn't get into her course. Then she will need you to support her in deciding what to do next.

However, with modular exams, you should already be aware of how likely it is.

In reality, although it would be lovely to be with her on this morning, its not essential and you could delay the celebrations with her on your return.

If you can ensure that she will be with friends and has at least one adult to turn to in the event of a problem then go!! enjoy!! I think your DH has done a very sweat thing Smile

Lady1nTheRadiator · 26/07/2011 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumpsoon · 26/07/2011 09:03

What i would concentrate on is making sure she can contact you when you are away , oh and making sure she wont be partying in your house while you are goneGrin

potoftea · 26/07/2011 09:04

I'm not sure will your dd need you on the day, but to be honest, I wouldn't have missed that day with my 2, unless I really had to. They may not have cared, but I really wanted to be there.
It was a big deal for me; I saw it as the end of a process I started when I brought them aged 4 to school. And apart from their own results, I also wanted to meet up with their friends and parents around the school.
My 2 were both happy with the results and the look on my dd's face is one of my lovely memories. I deserved it, as I'd been there through all the mood swings, and panic of the previous months!!

Her friend wasn't happy though, and only had her sister with her as her parents were away. The dd was fine with just sister, but the poor mother was on the phone all day, and certainly not enjoying her holiday.

Original poster
follyfoot · 26/07/2011 18:13

Ah well, none of it matters now. He and my DD spoke last night (after I had gone to bed) and apparently she went spare about me not being there, so he cancelled the whole thing anyway. I had no idea until it was all off

:( :( :(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 19:10

What time do you get your post, OP? And what time did the school say results will be out? And what time do you have to leave the house?

The universities get the A level results on the Monday and send out acceptance or rejection letters to arrive on the Thursday. The school will have had the results the day before, so that they can put them in envelopes ready for the morning.

(A level teacher here!)

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 19:11

She must be feeling very stressed. I think it's better you're there on the day; I wouldn't have missed it. If you're needed, nobody else will do. If the results are good (fingers crossed!) then she'll go off with her friends and you won't see her for hours!