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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? I really dont know....

106 replies

follyfoot · 26/07/2011 06:58

Got a big birthday next month. I had booked a couple of days off work to make a long weekend and then also took A level results day off to be at home for DD as it is around the same time. DH told me last night that he has arranged something for my birthday - its a trip away from what I can tell (5 days), which is very lovely of him. But.... we will be away from the morning of the A Level results :(

Apparently we cant go any later (am thinking its a flight maybe?) in the day. I havent had the heart to speak to DD about it yet, but have been awake most of the night worrying about what to do. She will be really upset, but probably wont show it cos she knows its a treat for me. DH has been very ill this year, so its lovely of him to do this, but am torn in half. My DD needs me that day, to celebrate or to commiserate and find a plan B if she doesnt get her Uni place. She is DH's step daughter; his DSs dont live with us, so although one of them is also getting his results that day, I dont think DH even thought of it, he just assumed I'd booked a few days off to relax (although I had told him).

Oh bugger.

OP posts:

HeatherSmall · 27/07/2011 09:31

Think yourself lucky your DD hasn't booked a holiday for the morning of her A Level results, I knew I'd failed so ran off to the Reading Festival.
Really do you need to be there though, it's her results not yours. Leave her £50 to celebrate or commiserate with her friends.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2011 09:31

And perhaps, now he realises what it means to your DD, he could be with his DS when he gets his results?

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:34

I fail to see how he has lived with her all through the revising, the UCAS and the exams and had a DC of his own going through it and he doesn't think it important when booking a holiday!

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:37

I'm thoroughly glad my parents were not so detatched as to say 'they are your results not mine'-and throw some money at me, as if it made up for not being there. (or worse-not even realising they should be there)

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/07/2011 09:37

Migrating - yes I have got my judgey pants on! I have dealt with both life threatening illness and depression and neither are an excuse to behave like a sulky idiot when you can't have your own way.

It was just a mix up of dates, so as the adult you say 'my fault should have checked, let's cancel and do this another time'. Not get all angry and stroppy and lay on the guilt by emphasising how much effort (not that much if you can't check the family diary!) you have put into organising the trip.

MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 09:40

on the other hand, as a secondary school teacher of 20 years, i would say have seen a vast majority of students who are able (and prefer) to get their exam results all by themselves.

Heyho, up to Op I think.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:41

I don't think his condition is an excuse to be self centred. I also don't see why anyone has to get upset and stroppy, just say that it was unfortunate that the dates clashed and change it.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:42

Mine got them by themselves but they didn't get back to an empty house-horrible whatever the result.

MyLifeIsChaotic · 27/07/2011 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 09:49

"Oh hi mum. While you were away I got my results and made a major financial decision on my own. I've accepted a place through Clearing studying Mediaeval Pottery at a central London college. There's no student accommodation left, so I'll need to rent a flat there. All the bursaries are gone, and the fees are at the maximum level, oh and yes I know we live in Carlisle but the train will only be a couple of quid each way, surely??

Mum, why are you looking at me all funny?"

BimboNo5 · 27/07/2011 09:53

I'd just be overjoyed (and shocked and amazed) that DH had booked a surprise trip away for us. Your daughter is as good as an adult tbh and is old enough to deal with the A level results/plan B herself. Please dont tell me you will be one of those parents who turn up at university open days doing all the talking for her?

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 10:04

Several friends work in uni administration, including admissions. They all tell me that this year is exceptionally tough (even compared to last year, which was itself incredibly difficult by any other comparion) due to intense compitition for even fewer places.

If your DD gets her place, then great.

But if she misses her grades then it will have to be all hands to the pumps - LineRunner describes the clearing process really well. As I understand it, no-one should expect to get a place through clearing this year.

My friends all say that this year it would be better to get a bad fail - in which case it's obvious that retakes are the only sensible option - than a near miss. Students with near misses may do well to take a year out travelling or whatever, and then applying with known results next year.

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 10:05

But, that said, do make sure your DH knows how much you love him for making the effort.

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 10:09

BimboNo5 - the open days are long gone. Offers have been made and been accepted subject to results. This is about accepting a place over the phone as quickly as possible and moving to that location.

The Clearing process in particular involves a very rapid set of financially-loaded decisions.

LoopyLoopsTootyFroots · 27/07/2011 10:39

My foster parents booked a holiday over exam results day (for them and foster sisters, not me). I wasn't allowed to stay at home, so spent the first week with my sister's foster family, and the second with a friend. This coincided with pyscho ex being very stalkerish.
When results day came, I went in by myself, and didn't do as well as expected. Not allowed to use the phone at my sister's house, walked (45 minutes) up the hill to my house to do the ringing around. After a few days of doing the same each day and avoiding (or not) psycho ex, I secured the place I wanted, and all of the paperwork to go with it. I was proud that I had managed it alone, but will never forgive my foster parents for putting me in that position. It was horrible.

CaptainNancy · 27/07/2011 10:47

Clearing this year will be ultra-stressful, as it is the last year under the old fees regime. There is so much pressure on young people this time round, I can understand anyone needing their parents around to agree their choices.

spiderpig8 · 27/07/2011 10:47

Things have changed a lot since my day .i dealt with applications, interviews clearing and accommodation all by my little self, as did my peers.

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 10:50

Yes, things have changed a lot spiderpig8 . It's much harder now than it was in our day.

BelieveInPink · 27/07/2011 12:17

I remember my mum being very supportive when I passed my A Levels, via a phone from Spain. She was on holiday with my dad and it was their very first holiday abroad together. I would NEVER have thrown a strop at the fact they wouldn't be there, and I would never stand in the way of a lovely experience for them both.

I'm in the minority thinking that your daughter is BU. Especially if she "screamed" her distaste at the idea. Your DH is being U too, as bookings can be changed. The only one suffering is you, who should be looking forward to it all.

mummytime · 27/07/2011 12:19

Well back in the dark ages, when I went to Uni, my Mum was around and fabulously so. I did the ringing around, investigating into a remark etc. because I had dropped a grade in one subject. I kept phoning until my first choice said they were giving me a place after all. My mum was just there for the hugs, tea and sympathy. Because that is what Mums do!

Ambergambler · 27/07/2011 12:25

I think your DD has massively over reacted. I went with my friends to get my A level results. I would not have been even slightly bothered where my parents were, as long as they were contactable! I think DH should have discussed the surprise with DD in first place and they could have planned it together.
That said, she is not the only one massively over reacting, and his email to you is just petty. He should have discussed it rationally with you, and allowed you to make a decision yourself. Surely there was some flexibility. He will have lost all deposits paid etc if he really has cancelled it all. Is there a possibility that he hasn't, and is just saying this to get your daughter to back down, and then can get his own way leaving the options open? He probably thinks you will rant at DD and she will give in?

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 12:27

But this is 2011.

Clearing this year will be uniqely difficult. The decisions that will be made on-the-spot will carry massive financial implications.

CinnabarRed · 27/07/2011 13:02

It really isn't fair to compare what we went though when we did our A-levels with what this year's crop are facing.

God, I wouldn't want to be 17/18 in 2011.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/07/2011 13:14

Cinnabar me neither. I think it will be really interesting to see just how many more kids try to get onto a course this year rather than defer/take a gap year etc to try and avoid the fee increase.

I think those being very nonchalant on this thread are being somewhat naive. Things move so much faster now than they did even 10 years ago, it isn't a case of 'oh well, I'll go and get drunk and sort it out tomorrow'. Which is a shame

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 15:15

Very naive-it is nothing like it was and if they have to make decision they need an adult on hand to advise and they will have to be quick-hesitate and the place will have gone.

I find it a very skewed way of thinking, I argue long and hard that parents should let go gradually by giving responsibility and independence so that it is a process that starts early, letting them stay at home alone when 8yrs etc so that they are ready to cope alone by the time they leave at 18yrs BUT I wouldn't at any point just dismiss them as adults who don't need you. Mine got their results alone and went off celebrating with friends in the evening but I was there to share. I wouldn't have gone off on holiday on such a day thinking it wouldn't matter and £50 would make up for my lack of time.

It isn't as if the date came as a surprise-DH should have known.

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