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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? I really dont know....

106 replies

follyfoot · 26/07/2011 06:58

Got a big birthday next month. I had booked a couple of days off work to make a long weekend and then also took A level results day off to be at home for DD as it is around the same time. DH told me last night that he has arranged something for my birthday - its a trip away from what I can tell (5 days), which is very lovely of him. But.... we will be away from the morning of the A Level results :(

Apparently we cant go any later (am thinking its a flight maybe?) in the day. I havent had the heart to speak to DD about it yet, but have been awake most of the night worrying about what to do. She will be really upset, but probably wont show it cos she knows its a treat for me. DH has been very ill this year, so its lovely of him to do this, but am torn in half. My DD needs me that day, to celebrate or to commiserate and find a plan B if she doesnt get her Uni place. She is DH's step daughter; his DSs dont live with us, so although one of them is also getting his results that day, I dont think DH even thought of it, he just assumed I'd booked a few days off to relax (although I had told him).

Oh bugger.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 26/07/2011 19:11

i think i would ask DH to rearrange as DD might really need you

iwanttoseethezoo · 26/07/2011 19:18

sorry to hear it's all off - has he thrown his toys out of the pram and completley cancelled, or can it be rearranged?

exoticfruits · 26/07/2011 19:19

I just wouldn't do it to my DCs-they come first on that day and it would have been on the calendar since last September.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 26/07/2011 19:24

I hope he hasn't thrown a strop? Her needs are greater than his in this particular situation.

LineRunner · 26/07/2011 19:27

follyfoot, this is the sort of stunt that my parents would pull with me all the time. They were NEVER there for me for the really big days like this, and I was left to travel to universities for interviews on my own, with no money; to apply for universities on my own; to sort out the A level results and confirmations on my own; to apply for a grant on my own; etc etc; while they were swanning around being 'the beautiful people'.

I was only 17 and it was really stressful.

I would not leave my daughter on A level results day because of my own experiences; but also because I would WANT to be there with her.

I have to say it seems a little odd that your DH would not want to be there for your DD, even if your circs are vastly different from mine.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:13

Oh dear OP. What happened? Was your DH annoyed? TBH I don't blame your DD for being angry - it's not too much to expect you to be there on such a big day.

spiderpig8 · 26/07/2011 21:06

My parents were away for O level results day (I stayed with GPs) It never occurred to me to mind.

CreakyBra · 26/07/2011 21:14

Actually, I think your DD is out of order to 'go spare' - it's for your birthday organised by your DH who, presumably, didn't put two and two together regarding the dates. Teenagers can be selfish sometimes - and yes I have three so can vouch for this!

Hope you're ok OP.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 21:40

O level results weren't as traumatic as A levels, though, spiderpig. If the OP's daughter doesn't get the results she needs, she'll want her mum there to help her go through Clearing.

exoticfruits · 26/07/2011 21:57

I don't think that it is selfish to expect your parents to be there on results day-you have plenty of advance warning.

bubblesincoffee · 26/07/2011 22:21

I agree with CreakyBra - what a selfish thing for yoru dd to do.

Yes it would be nice for her to have her Mum there, but it's hardly a neccesity, and it would be nice for OP if her dd appreciated that she needed a little break, and it wasn't done on purpose.

I look back to my teenage years and feel very silly and embarrased for having that kind of a strop when I was 15, never mind finishing A levels!

Original poster
follyfoot · 27/07/2011 06:54

Thanks all for offering both viewpoints. Very tense in our house now as you might expect! DH cross with DD, and vice versa. And I think he was daft for booking without checking timings etc and ignorant to email me saying he'd cancelled it all without any discussion and then go on about how long he'd taken to sort it in the first place and how he'd had to cancel 12 individual bookings.

I feel like stamping my foot and saying uuumm whose birthday has been spoiled (in case they dont notice whilst the pair of them are so bloody busy posturing at each other).

Suppose I have to give my DH a bit of leeway, he has been very unwell (as in life threatening) and still isnt well (plus he copes with depression), his reserves are low I guess. I can understand DD too but just wish she hadnt 'screamed' at him when he asked her if she minded (dunno if she did, thats what he said).

Pah, I'll sod off on my own on the day....

PS no need for anyone to reply if you are all bored of this now, just needed a last rant Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
follyfoot · 27/07/2011 06:58

PS just to add, I dont think he made a judgement call about how important it was for me to be there for her, he had forgotten why I took that day off as it was tagged onto the others.

OP posts:
NearlySpring · 27/07/2011 07:11

Your dd is 17- she's an adult, surely she can cope with a possiblebad result and the implications and the telephone calls and new arrangements for a few days? She was unbelievably selfish! Having little babby tantrum!

At 17 I had left home, own place, full time city job, married and planning a family! She is an adult not a child!

Your poor dh- he went to all that trouble and he's been I'll recently!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/07/2011 07:11

Well it sounds like he didn't realise how important it was for you to be there, and she didn't realise how important it was for him to give you a nice significant birthday, and now they're both cross.

I think your daughter is being a bit of a brat, given that I'm assuming you'd have been within phone contact, and I also suspect he's overreacted because it was very important to his self-esteem to do this for you. Does he feel guilty that his medical issues have left you with the majority of the burden of the home, and wanted to make it up to you? That's how I'd feel in his shoes, it's very hard to be an invalid I think. And yes, now he's going on and on about how hard he worked and how much effort the cancellation was, because he wants you to know how hard he tried. He wants the recognition.

I think, Folly, you're going to have to arrange a special birthday yourself, make sure it's something you really love and have wanted to do and DH will enjoy it as well, but starting that evening or the next day. A nice romantic trip to Paris, just the two of you. That sort of thing.

Original poster
follyfoot · 27/07/2011 07:21

Tortoise, your second paragraph sums it up perfectly for me thank you for that. Must dash, late for work, but thank you again!

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/07/2011 07:22

Sorry but it sounds as if you have 2 teenagers in the house. I would still make them sit down and listen whilst you explain.
To DH how nice it was of him to go to so much trouble, and how much you really appreciated it.
To DD how you really want to be there to hold her hand at such a significant moment (BTW I think some other posters had awful parent, I still remember the awful feeling when my Mum gave me the envelope, she wouldn't have dreamed of not being there).
Then to both of them, just how unreasonable they are to make decisions without involving you (the cancelling of the trip). It is your birthday, a special day for you.
Then try to negotiate what they are going to do about the situation.

Hope you have a great birthday!

mrswoodentop · 27/07/2011 08:39

Oh dear ,not a nice thing to happen.In your dd's defence if she has a university offer to make the pressure this year is horrendous.The people I know from last year who were successful in Clearing really needed parents around,phoning so you can have two phones ormore being used at the same time,hanging on lines whilst your dd speaks to another and being there to help make difficult decisions.Our school have been very upfront and told parents that in their opinion if this was the last thing you did you needed to be there ,so I would not consider being away on that day .Especially if you are not certain that she will get the grades.

If she had been expecting you to be there ,she probably got a bit of a shock when he said he was taking you away then and panicked ,hopefully she will calm down and make sure you have a good birthday.

Your dh sounds like he has had a rough year ,perhaps you could book another break for Sept once your daughter is settled.

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 08:43

I agree with mrswoodentop.

A 17 year old under huge pressure isn't a 'brat', it's a 17 year old under huge pressure.

This year in particular the university scramble will be worse than usual. I'm surprised the husband and father was seemingly oblivious to this.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 08:50

I thought that DD was getting a hard time. I would have expected DH to have known that, especially since his own DS was waiting results too. It just wouldn't have happened in our house, summer plans would revolve around it. Surprises are all very well-but not if they don't take dates (and one that should have been imprinted on his mind as important) into account.
My parents wouldn't have done it to me and I wouldn't do it to my DCs. They get that day once, you can holiday any time.

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 09:01

There's more to getting into university than making a phone call to confirm a place. Even IF you get the grades, there's whole host of other arrangements to make.

If you don't get the grades, and have to negotiate Clearing, it's a race. Then there's accommodation to confirm, grants, fees, loans, travel on the right dates (if you miss a key fresher's day you won't get signed up for a doctor's surgery, for example).

I wouldn't want my DD accepting a place at a university over the phone without any input from me at all, especially if she was eligible to apply for a bursary that was means-tested on my income, or would have massively expensive living and travel costs, or indeed if the university put on a particularly shit course.

I would expect her to be independent upon arrival at university, though. But the system itself seems predicated on parental involvement at the bursary application and A level results stage.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 27/07/2011 09:19

I agree completely LineRunner. A levels day is a huge pressure, even if you get the grades and all goes smoothly. It was awful even when I went through it 16 years ago and by all accounts it has only got worse with there being a real scramble for places.
Many universities don't have space for all first years in halls, so it is first come first served to grab the decent (and affordable) accommodation. If you as a parent are funding things, then I would have thought it imperative to be around to be involved in the decisions.
IME many schools and colleges just don't have the resources to help the students make the necessary calls and so it does fall to parents to be around to assist.

follyfoot - I can understand your DH being upset that his plans are spoilt for now, but he is the adult here and he needs to grow the hell up and stop sulking.
Perhaps you could organise something for after your DD has gone to Uni in a couple of months, to take your mind off how much you will miss her?

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:28

I agree that it is up to them once they start, but on results day I would want to be on hand for all the reasons LineRunner has stated. If all goes smoothly and they get first choice, with accommodation etc already sorted it would be a terrible anticlimax to be on your own.
I can only think that DH isn't very hands on as a parent-does he just leave it all to his DC's mother? I would be very annoyed with DH if he was so clueless about dates and was thinking to please me by choosing the one day of the year that I really wanted to be at home!

MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 09:28

he needs to grow the hell up

Did you all miss the bit where she said he had been life threatenly ill and dealing with depression? Hmm

Did you also miss the bit where Op said she just need to vent and that was all?

Some of us have our big judgy pants on today I think.

exoticfruits · 27/07/2011 09:29

I would do more than vent-I would change the dates.

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