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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? I really dont know....

106 replies

follyfoot · 26/07/2011 06:58

Got a big birthday next month. I had booked a couple of days off work to make a long weekend and then also took A level results day off to be at home for DD as it is around the same time. DH told me last night that he has arranged something for my birthday - its a trip away from what I can tell (5 days), which is very lovely of him. But.... we will be away from the morning of the A Level results :(

Apparently we cant go any later (am thinking its a flight maybe?) in the day. I havent had the heart to speak to DD about it yet, but have been awake most of the night worrying about what to do. She will be really upset, but probably wont show it cos she knows its a treat for me. DH has been very ill this year, so its lovely of him to do this, but am torn in half. My DD needs me that day, to celebrate or to commiserate and find a plan B if she doesnt get her Uni place. She is DH's step daughter; his DSs dont live with us, so although one of them is also getting his results that day, I dont think DH even thought of it, he just assumed I'd booked a few days off to relax (although I had told him).

Oh bugger.

OP posts:

Original poster

follyfoot · 27/07/2011 23:28

Interesting that there is a real split in views here. I think he has realised that he has been a a pillock, he has been very subdued today. Not sure he has told my DD that he has cancelled it as she hasnt mentioned it to me at all. She is going through a very difficult phase, very arsey, much of it is stress of course. I genuinely think it never entered his head that results were that day, or even if he had, that she might need me around (she's very independent).

That said, he did behave very badly and I'm still a bit pissed off. He is normally very thoughtful (this is the bloke who ordered me flowers from his hospital bed despite being desperately ill at the time and then took me away for a long weekend to say thank you for caring for him). Hopefully he will book something else, that doesnt clash with results....

PS yes he is a hands on parent actually exoticfruit. It has been very difficult for him as his XW did everything she could to exclude him from his DSs lives, but he is very close to both sons and does as much as he can to support them. The DS awaiting results has an offer that is so low he barely needed to turn up to his A Levels to get in to Uni, so results day isnt an issue for him at all.

OP posts:

mummytime · 28/07/2011 06:11

Cinnabar - actually it is fair to compare with when I took my A'levels, as that was when Sir Keith Joseph was cutting departments at Unis right left and centre. So although someone had given you an offer in January there was a possibility the department wasn't going to be there in a years time, they also merged Liverpool and Bristol (I think) Vet schools.
There also was no internet, so everything had to be done over the phone. I didn't even have a home phone etc. etc.
But it doesn't matter, this is a time kids need support, and I will certainly be supporting mine at such a time.

exoticfruits · 28/07/2011 06:53

It sounds as if it will all be sorted out. I think that we all have different expectations. A lot of people offer money for grades which is something that I would never do but I would be there on the day to celebrate, or support, however independent they seem-they wouldbe first priority.

khaliwali · 28/07/2011 10:33

follyfoot, sorry it turned out that way. It sounds like you have had a crap year. I hope you have a great birthday and a fabulous year ahead.

azazello · 28/07/2011 10:56

Poor you Folly foot, it is hard being caight in the middle like this.

I'd just like to add that I hadn't applied to University when I took my A-levels, I knew I wanted a gap year and thought my predictions wouldn't be as good as my results so waited.

My mum took me to get my results and I had done much better than expected. We both still remember me flying out of school screaming to hug her because all the work had paid off and I could do anything! I met up with friends later in the day and got drunk etc but it is still a very special memory to have shared with my mum - more so than University acceptance / degree results etc.

MigratingCoconuts · 28/07/2011 15:21

exotic fruits I agree with you, I would never do this either....

A lot of people offer money for grades which is something that I would never do

exoticfruits · 28/07/2011 15:26

If they don't want good grades for their own sake I don't think they should be taking them.
I appreciate it isn't necessarily the same people but it seems madness to say 'here is £100 per A grade, but sorry I will be on holiday'. I think that being there is far more important-even if they wouldn't admit it-they like it and want you. Since you can find out the day for next year now I don't think it is too irksome to work around it.

pissovski · 28/07/2011 15:42

I think they are both being a bit U, but it sounds like your DH has realised it - any word from DD yet?

She will actually be able to find out if she has been successful from midnight on the UCAS website (well it might actually take til about 2am!!). I am a secondary teacher and nearly all the students would come in (without parents) already knowing whether they had got their place, and wanting to know grades, but without the 'brick in the stomach' feeling of the unknown that we had.

I hope that she gets her grades and does wonderfully well, but I also hope she remembers this incident and doesn't swan off to celebrate with her friends having kicked up a stink about this

pommedechocolat · 28/07/2011 16:00

I would have been unhappy not to share results day with my parents and brother.
We both did well and got taken out for posh lunch on day of results and got a present. Mine was a leather jacket. I loved that jacket but I do think that having them around was more important.

NotaDisneyMum · 28/07/2011 16:25

So sorry it hasn't worked out for OP - I hope once the dust has settled, you can spend some quality time with your DH, and your DD before she goes to Uni

As an aside, the comments here lead me to ask - do schools/colleges/sixth forms not provide support for A-level students these days? Admittedly, it was a few years ago now, but I collected my results from the school (they weren't posted to us), and staff were on hand to discuss options and they even gave us access to phones so we could make calls and sort out places/clearing etc.

I remember that my parents were away on holiday when I got my A level results - I was working at a summer job and the boss gave those of us expecting results time off to get the results and then we went back to work afterwards!

It didn't occur to me that they might have considered cancelling their holiday - I was 18, working F/T, and they left me to live independently while they were away - to all intents and purposes, I was an adult

pissovski · 28/07/2011 16:47

SChools and colleges provide tons of support for A level students. We used to have a number of staff in (form tutors/student services/graduate advisors), PC rooms for them to get onto websites - everything. I know some colleagues who would be on the phones helping students get through clearing and really pulling out all the stops.

MigratingCoconuts · 28/07/2011 16:53

*I appreciate it isn't necessarily the same people but it seems madness to say 'here is £100 per A grade, but sorry I will be on holiday'.^

You are right, it's not the same people and I am glad you are not suggesting it is otherwise this might come across as very offensive to those people trying to support op in her difficult dilema.

Good job you are not like that Exotic.

exoticfruits · 28/07/2011 17:18

That's why I said it-I know she isn't, but I think that it is one of the times in life that you should be on hand-unless they have specifically said, and mean it, that they don't want you there.

loopylou6 · 28/07/2011 17:27

I think your dd was out of order, she's an adult and needs to behave like one. I bet if it all goes well for her she won't give you a second thought and she'll be out partying with her friends

qwepoi · 28/07/2011 17:35

Be there for your DD.

MigratingCoconuts · 28/07/2011 17:36

fair enough Exotic and you are right and in my experience as a secondary school teacher it is surprising how many are perfectly happy to collect results on their own.

DoMeDon · 28/07/2011 17:42

I think your DH is getting a really hard time - he's been ill, still is and tried to soemthing special for you. He may have cocked up but he tried.

Ok it is an important time and could be extra stressful for DD but may not be. It's great you want to be there and it is a shame she reacted so badly to the news you would have been away. I don' think anyone was or has been unreasonable here. More DH made a mistake in judgement (then again with the dramatic cancellation but his emotional reserves will be almost empty so he's hardly on top decision form) and DD was overly emotional in her reaction.

You can at least be proud you have dealt with it appropriately. FWIW I would remind them that in the middle of all this bad feeling is an important day for you and this episode would be better written off as bad timing, lets move on and enjoy.

BeardofZeus · 28/07/2011 17:47

I got my results and went straight to the pub...after some of my friends had spent the morning on the phone to university. No parents around, just us sorting things out and then getting pished.

And as Imperial said, if i had been at home the night before I would have seen my acceptance letter to university in the morning..so you should still be there for the initial 'what the shiz is happening next?' fear.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/07/2011 17:49

18 is not an adult. You don't flick a switch on their birthday and they suddenly become grown up, it's a gradual process. At 18, they are still in the process of becoming an adult and still need their parents. This is particularly true if they are making life changing (and very expensive) choices.

MumblingRagDoll · 28/07/2011 17:51

I collected my results alone and I'm not damagd by it. Call her. She's a big girl.

MumblingRagDoll · 28/07/2011 17:51

"damaged"

MumblingRagDoll · 28/07/2011 17:52

karma some 18 year olds have DC and fight in wars. 18 is an adult.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/07/2011 18:11

18 is too young to fight in wars. Just because some people do it, that doesn't make it right. given that growing up is a process, some people will be mature at an earlier age than others.

I was pretty mature by the age of 18, but looking back, I wasn't really an adult. That happened when I left home and had to learn to be financially responsible and to manage my time and commitments etc. It didn't happen overnight.

My sister at 18, was more like 14. She was a late bloomer. Perhaps the OP's dd is like my sister.

exoticfruits · 28/07/2011 19:05

fair enough Exotic and you are right and in my experience as a secondary school teacher it is surprising how many are perfectly happy to collect results on their own.

Mine collected them on their own-I don't think they would want mother holding their hand! However I was at home.

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2011 19:12

But did everything rest on those results, exoticfruits?

Virtually nobody's had a gap year this coming academic year and virtually nobody's planning on resitting their A levels, because the fees are tripling. The competition for places this year will be very, very heavy.

If the OP's daughter is worried about how she's done, she will want all the help she can get on the day. You do need two people phoning around, she will need to make a decision on housing, she will need to deal with student loans etc if she is going to a different university.

How come people are so hard on their 18 year olds? Is it a crime to care about your children and want to help them at a potentially difficult time in their lives?

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