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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dad wants time off

133 replies

natandjacob · 21/07/2011 12:39

My OH has his own company and works untill 6/6.30 every weekday and sometimes on the weekend. Our 1 year old son goes to bed at 7 every night so this means they dont get to see much of each other. OH has started saying that he wants half a "day off" each weekend for him to smoke, drink or just do his own thing without any parental duties. I can understand his work is hard and he does deserve a break but he goes to the pub most friday nights with his mates and barely has to do anything with our son apart from a bit of playtime on the evening as i do everything else. he does no housework as this is my job as i dont work.
am i being unreasonable not wanting him to have this? how many other partners get time off like this? i just want a general idea of how other families work so i know whether im just being mean or not!!!

OP posts:
MrsCarriePooter · 21/07/2011 12:40

And of course you get your half day off without any parental duties too each weekend, yes?

3ismylot · 21/07/2011 12:41

Nothing wrong with that but just make sure that the other 1/2 a day off is yours to do as you please with no parental responsibility Wink

Tee2072 · 21/07/2011 12:41

No, you're not being mean. He is.

When is your time off? When do you get 1/2 a day to go down to the pub with your mates? He goes every Friday night? While you do what? Sit at home with your son?

Fennel · 21/07/2011 12:42

I would say to him, Great Idea, you have Sat afternoon off and I'll have Sun afternoon off.

As long as you both get time off, it seems a good idea. We both take turns having quite a bit of time off, with 3dc.

My DP recently wanted to spend 4 weekends this year on a course (something not totally necessary, but fun). And I said Fine I will have 4 weekends off too too for fun things. And suddenly his course didn't seem so tempting....

Original poster
natandjacob · 21/07/2011 12:42

well thats the thing, as i dont work i dont need time off apparently. he really doesnt realise how tiring running after a 1 year old can be!

OP posts:
biddysmama · 21/07/2011 12:43

^that^ if he does then you should to!

my dh works 7-4.30 5 days a week, we have 3 dc and 1 on the way... he will not give up his daddy time, he gets up with ds! 10 months at 5 so he gets some time with him!

redskyatnight · 21/07/2011 12:43

MN "advice" is normally that both parents should get equal leisure time.

If he works long hours during the week I think that some time at the weeeknd to himself is quite reasonable AS LONG AS YOU ALSO GET AN EQUAL AMOUNT OF TIME TO YOURSELF.

Also, I think he should be splitting the housework/childcare responsibilities with you at the weekend.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 12:43

Yes, as long as it is reciprocated, this would be fair. Your working hours are just as long as his, I suspect longer.

lurkeyishere · 21/07/2011 12:44

My husband owns his own business aswell and he works simular hours to your OH he takes every other saturday off to spend with me and the kids so he can have every other sunday to fish smoke scratch his nuts whatever he wants really could your OH not agree to take the whole day and say spend half with you and half on his own?

MrsCarriePooter · 21/07/2011 12:45

If your everyday job (being a parent) isn't working, then he should have absolutely no problem getting his rest whilst being a parent at the weekends and has no need of his half day off every weekend.

Tell him he's an arse.

AKMD · 21/07/2011 12:45

DH and I have an evening each which is ours to do what we like with (emergencies permitting!). Friday night is our night to spend doing something together as a couple, Saturday morning is for DH to go to football and me to go to the gym and the rest of the weekend is for doing things with DS and seeing family. I consider that quite a balanced week and it means that we both get time to do our own thing while not feeling resentful of eachother or feeling like we don't do anything together.

Do you have time to yourself or are you constantly on childcare/housework duty while your DH is working or at the pub? Weekends IMO are usually considered family time but if you could come to an arrangement where he gets his own time, you get your own time and you also spend time as a family (i.e. NOT him watching TV while you run around after the DC) then that might be a reasonable compromise.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 12:46

"well thats the thing, as i dont work i dont need time off apparently. "

Yes you do work. You just don't have a payslip. If he's so sure you don't work, there should be no problem him taking over from you since it's not going to involve doing anything, right?

LemonDifficult · 21/07/2011 12:49

YABU

Work it out together. I hear this story loads from my friends. Warped logic that he needs every Saturday afternoon off. You both need non parent time of course, but that's not a regular commitment that you need to make unless he makes the same for you.

LemonDifficult · 21/07/2011 12:50

SOrry - YANNNNNNNBU

drivinmecrazy · 21/07/2011 12:50

Now my DDs are 5 & 10 I go away for a week with a friend every year, and am amazed how other people are quite vitriolic about me needing time to myself as I am a SAHM. Many people assume cos you are not 'working' your life is one long holiday, so not true!!! I need that break from my girls and it's a lovely chance for DH to do the mundane stuff (school runs, ballet,bed times and all the day to day crap he misses when he is working). My DH has gone with DD2 to Spain today, DD1 and I won't join them til sunday, a great opportunity for both girls to have some one-to-one time, but a few friends have been saying how unfair it is that he comes home in 2 1/2 weeks to go back to work while I stay on for another 2 weeks with DDs. But I think he has the better deal cos he gets his evenings free to do as he likes while I still care for DC.

AngryFeet · 21/07/2011 12:50

Well my DH works from 8am to 7pm everyday and sometimes more. However he likes to come home and spend time with us at the weekend and in the evenings. Yes we both get a lie in at the weekend and he often lays on the sofa for a few hours on Sunday so he can have a rest. He also goes out with friends once every two weeks for dinner and drinks and I do the same.

If said he wanted time off from our family I would be very upset though. Does he not want to spend time with you and the kids?

Time off is a must and if you can figure something out then go ahead but since you say he goes down the pub every Friday night anyway so say he doesn't want to spend time with you all for 25% of the weekend is really shit IMO.

And him saying you don't need time off as you don't work makes him a bloody twat in my book.

I would be raging in your shoes....

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 21/07/2011 12:52

"well thats the thing, as i dont work i dont need time off apparently"

but his specific request was
"he wants half a "day off" each weekend for him to smoke, drink or just do his own thing without any parental duties"

that means that you have to have time off from parental duties too!
because as it stands, you're doing 100% of the parental duties and he's doing nothing, and he wants time off from that!

tabulahrasa · 21/07/2011 12:52

If you're not working and so don't need time off, he's not working at wekends either and so equally doesn't need time off.

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 12:55

And when do you get a break from your 24/7 hour job with no sick days, holidays or lunch breaks exactly?

Original poster
natandjacob · 21/07/2011 12:57

glad im not being unreasonable! i just worry what will happen when i return to work. our son isnt exactly mega hard work, he's just your average toddler but he does take up all my time. i do everything for him including cooking, tiding up after him (he likes making a mess!) getting up in the middle of the night, bath time and bed time, food shopping etc etc. OH was meant to do a couple of bath times a week but that only lasted 1 week and now its just the occasional bath time he helps with. the only thing he really does around the house is cook tea for us. whenever i bring up me having half a day off he says i can have it if i go to work and work as hard as he does. this sounds like im making him out to be a monster and he really isnt, he's just rather selfish sometimes!

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 13:00

I think you should plan to leave OH in sole charge of ds one whole day or even a weekend; make a reason up and go out or away.

I think he would quickly be on his knees apologising that you dont work as hard as him.

Original poster
natandjacob · 21/07/2011 13:04

"And when do you get a break from your 24/7 hour job with no sick days, holidays or lunch breaks exactly?"

i get an hour and a half to myself every day while my son has his naps. that should be more than enough me time apparantly and i could "make better use of it if i had an organised house work routine". thing is i like to do most housework during that time as then when son is awake i have time to play with him

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 21/07/2011 13:04

Like others have said, if its not tiring or demanding looking after a one year old, which you do all the time then OH doesn't need time off at the weekend then does he?

Clearly he has no idea, so take a whole day now, and leave him to it and then agree on the proviso you get your time off too.

Your DS needs to have one to one time too with his Dad, and its about time OH realised that as parent, the kids come first!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2011 13:05

I think it's very important for parents to take time out to pursue their own interests away from the children as long as it's evenly balanced. What you describe sounds rather one-sided on the household stuff but some couples like to manage things that he brings the money and she takes care of the home rather than strictly 50/50 - so it's not necessarily a bad thing. Whatever you end up doing, however, you both have to be happy with it... not one person feeling taken for granted

cerealqueen · 21/07/2011 13:07

Just read your last posts, your OH is very very selfish, feel for you. Sad. You are a slave ti your DS and him. You need to sort this now and soon. Working is easier than being at home. I've done both, really it is.