dad wants time off

[natandjacob]

My OH has his own company and works untill 6/6.30 every weekday and sometimes on the weekend. Our 1 year old son goes to bed at 7 every night so this means they dont get to see much of each other. OH has started saying that he wants half a "day off" each weekend for him to smoke, drink or just do his own thing without any parental duties. I can understand his work is hard and he does deserve a break but he goes to the pub most friday nights with his mates and barely has to do anything with our son apart from a bit of playtime on the evening as i do everything else. he does no housework as this is my job as i dont work.
am i being unreasonable not wanting him to have this? how many other partners get time off like this? i just want a general idea of how other families work so i know whether im just being mean or not!!!

[Flippingebay]

*well thats the thing, as i dont work i dont need time off apparently. he really doesnt realise how tiring running after a 1 year old can be!
*

Obviously he does realise how tiring running after a 1 year old is otherwise he wouldn't be asking for 'time off'!

As others have said, tell him it's fine as long as you are awarded the same luxury, he takes Saturday afternoon off, you take Sunday afternoon off.

He's yanking your chain, or doesn't realise he's being U. Either way you need your space too..

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

YOu need to put your foot down hard here. Your H is being a sexist tosser and will get worse if not put in his place. There is nothing at all wrong with 'time off' for a parent, but the easiest way to test whether a couple's relationship is a good one or not is to check how much chore-free, child-free time each one has. It should be roughly the same. Because no matter how much you love your DC, you need time away from them to do stuff that's just for you.
You will need to be firm with the H: tell him when you are going to go out, leave DC with him and go. If he repeatedly sabotages this ie by disappearing before you can leave the house and not coming back, or refusing to take care of DS, or by becoming aggressive, then you will actually need to have a think about whether you want to remain married to someone who considers you a domestic appliance and not a person.

[lurkingmurking]

You need to go out for the entire day one weekend - then he'll get it

[coppertop]

The 1.5hrs when your child naps is not child-free. It's not as though you can just leave him at home by himself while you go into town, is it? And if your dh managed his time better, well then he wouldn't need half a day off every weekend would he?

Please don't let him get away with this rubbish.

[OrangeHat]

Oh what a sad thread. I'm sorry your DH sounds like he is being a real arse about this.

What everybody else said.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

1.5hrs is nothing! It flies by when they are asleep. The time is usually used up doing things it's hard to do when they are awake, like phoning the bank or making appointments, sorting mail, internet shopping/banking etc or bleaching the loo.

Ask him if he would really rather you left the child in a play pen, or if you don't have one then to empty the kitchen cupboards/draw on the walls/eat the plants, while you clean the house?

If his answer is no, then tell him to shut the fuck up about your 1.5hrs a day! Once he's shut the fuck up he can agree to give you your half day off every weekend.

If he is still being an arse, work out how many hours a week you both do and present him with that. Tell him that if he doesn't start valueing your job your going to stop valueing him.

Also point out that you find it rather strange that a loving dad who doesn't see their child all week would chose not to spend every minute at the weekends with them. "You do like spending time with your child, don't you????", should do it.

Also out of interest does he get the train to work or drive? I see that as "me" time it itself as you are alone with your own thoughts which as a SAHM to 2 children I never get! Does he have a lunch break?

[squeakytoy]

I take it your husband didnt really want to be a father then :(

Decent dads look forward to being off work so they can spend time with their kids..

[Tee2072]

The only thing that will open his eyes is what others have said. Hand the child over, walk out the door for an entire day. Turn off your mobile. Don't call home. Just leave him to it.

I guarantee you he'll be on his knees by lunchtime.

[natandjacob]

WhoseGotMyEyebrows
he walks 15 mins to work but doesnt really get much of a lunch break. he does work very hard to provide enough for all of us and i dont think he gets much time to stop during the day. he just cant seem to get it into his head that although not all my days are rushing around doing everything it is still emotionally/physically tiring looking after our son all day. i think i may be being a pushover, have tried the "you do like spending time with your son" trick but he just gets his back up that im calling him a bad dad and i cant be arsed with an argument so i end up leaving it.
really want to get this sorted without an argument or either of us feeling hard done by...am i asking too much?!

[natandjacob]

I have tried leaving OH with son without much notice before to go do food shop on my own but he ended up ringing me telling me he was taking our son to go stop with his father for a few days and that i was a bad mother for just leaving son on the floor with him in another room. i dont want to force him to spend time with his son, he should just want to. i'd rather son was with me all the time than with someone he see's him as a chore

[natandjacob]

*who sees him as a chore

[Cocoflower]

Oh gosh, this sounds really sad.

Either you OH is scared of his new family man responsibilty and overwhelmed and needs some help, or is too lazy and commitment phobic to deal with family life.

He does sound dreadful but there could be something happening under the surface... a form of male PND perhaps? Greiving his former life? Feeling trapped? Im not excusing it but perhaps he is struggling underneath. Women find it hard to adapt to such a huge life changing event so men must too...

If it is not that, then it sounds like he resents family life and want to push his guilt onto you about the way he feels

[BadTasteFlump]

nat your last post(s) worry me. He has said that you are a 'bad mother' for leaving his son with him? That is ridiculous, and maybe a bit of an insight into your relationship with him.

From what you're saying, your 'partnership' is very unequal. Do you realise that the fact that he is the one in paid work does not make him the boss of you also? You are an equally important adult in your home and lives. He couldn't live the life he does without you, just as much as you couldn't without him. Therefore IMO you deserve much, much more respect than you're getting at the moment.

I also feel very sad that you seem so dispondent and nervous about even raising the issue with him. Has he already done such a good job of putting you in your place (ie beneath him) that you don't feel able to disagree with him?

[Dozer]

This is sad. He needs to do a week's childcare, not just a day.

[SlightlyJaded]

OP you're last post has meant this whole thread has taken a turn for the worse I fear. The answer to your original question is of course no, yanbu - as everyone has already said, the 'right' thing is to ensure you all have a balance of personal and shared time.

However, your DH does not seem to have any idea or compassion for the huge amount of work you are doing single handed and the incident with him taking the son to his father''s house and accusing you of being a bad parent is beyond the 'quibble' stage and a real problem IMO. It suggests that he has absolutely no compassion or respect for the huge changes that you are adapting too and does not see parenting as a shared responsibility.

Having said that, I agree with Coco that there may be an underlying panic driving this unpleasant attitude.

I think you really need to talk to him about where he thinks the responsibilities lie and perhaps encourage him to spend more time with sole care of your DS to boost his confidence if this is the issue.

[natandjacob]

thanks for all your advice, feels great getting all this off my chest as i havent wanted to talk to family members about it cause they'd get too involved.
I do get the impression he thinks he's superior as he is coming up 30 and im 22, he thinks this makes him wiser than me. i know i need to get myself a job so that i feel a bit more equal in the relationship and not as dependant on him but i've only ever worked in a call centre before and didnt do so well at school due to personal/family problems so i havent got anything behind me to get a job which earns enough to pay for child care. i feel a bit trapped to be honest!

cocoflower i have thought about male PND a few times and have tried raising the issue with him but not got any sort of response from it so i dont know how to progress any further with it. he's not the sort of person that talks about feelings (his or mine) but i do think he misses his old life a lot. wish he'd just said he wasnt sure about having a baby when i first got pregnant as i wasnt overly sure i wanted a baby either (obviously wouldnt swap him for the world now and cant imagine life without him). eeee im in a right pickle, need to give my head a shake!

[BadTasteFlump]

nat age has nothing to do with wisdom (as you obviously know!).

Surely everybody misses their old (and free) life to a certain extent once they have children. But it sounds as if you have grown up and accepted the changes, whereas he is refusing to do so and is reacting like a child throwing a big strop.

Not sure what to suggest for you to do though. Do you feel as if you could sit him down and make him realise how unhappy his behaviour is making you?

[FlubbaBubba]

This is very sad and your OH is taking the piss big time. It's daunting being a parent, but it's also his 'job' to be a parent. You can tackle this one of two ways;
** either you leave him on his own with your son for him to look after him on his own for 24hrs (without relying on others) and ensure he also does some everyday chores too (and he can tell you how little it seems like 'real work' then)
or
** you can list everything you do, including how many coffee breaks, loo breaks, lunch breaks etc you get

If he can't recognise what you do, and your need for 'time-off' too, then he is deluded.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"i know i need to get myself a job so that i feel a bit more equal in the relationship"

If you don't feel equal in your relationship, that is not the fault of your state of employment; it is the fault of the person with whom you are in the relationship. You work just as hard as he does, you just don't get paid for it. For your OH, money equals status and power. That is the problem, not your not working outside the home.

[cottonreels]

Am also sahm of 1 year old. Some days we have a lovely day, others days its exhausting. Am fortunate that my dp works from home 2 days a week and so sees this relentless activity/clearing up/cooking/tidying. He knows I work hard too. We dont take time off as a regular slot, but if one of us wants to meet up with friends and have a day alone - we do. It so rarely happens that theres been no point scoring on who has had the most days off etc.
My advice would be to agree to time off, but you must get the same. He'll only understand how tiring parenting a 1 year old is when he tries it on his own with no ready made meals etc. I'd be tempted to play on an illness and stay in bed for a day at a weekend if you simply cant get him to agree that it is hard work.

[itisnearlysummer]

My DH and I would go crazy if we couldn't have time to ourselves. I don't think a 1/2 day off is unreasonable at all, as long as you get the same.

[BsshBossh]

DH and I give each other "time off" all the time. So long as your OH gives you time off to do non-parenting things then it's fine. You all need family time too.

[pearlym]

"I have tried leaving OH with son without much notice before to go do food shop on my own but he ended up ringing me telling me he was taking our son to go stop with his father for a few days and that i was a bad mother for just leaving son on the floor with him in another room. i dont want to force him to spend time with his son, he should just want to. i'd rather son was with me all the time than with someone he see's him as a chore"

He sounds as though he thinks your son is not really his responsibility, he sounds like a knob really, sorry. He needs to realise that his first priority is you and the child, I know it is really ahrd, I have been at home wiht 2 DDs under 2 for a year and I have worked 4 long daysa week in a professional job while the ywere little. The job is easier. So at weekends yuo can enjoy the children cos yuo will get away fom it at work. If he wants time off he shuold accord yuo the same amount of time. BUT, actualy some peole need more time off than others, my OH says he doesn ot feel need for time off from kids at weekend bu actuall ysits there watching TV or reading paper or on computer,so in fact he is getting down time, but cna pretend he is not!Whereas when I say I want time, I mean time when I am not in smae room as kids or smae house and he makes me feel bad cos he will say" I don't see why yuo feel need to have a break.I don't"

[lovesicecream]

If you don't need tome of from parental duties tell him why should he!

[BsshBossh]

Oh, I see. Your OH gives you no time off and doesn't ever look after his own son. That is not acceptable behaviour from him. He needs to understand his responsibilities. You need to let him know your expectations of him as clearly and as rationally as you can.