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AIBU?

dad wants time off

133 replies

natandjacob · 21/07/2011 12:39

My OH has his own company and works untill 6/6.30 every weekday and sometimes on the weekend. Our 1 year old son goes to bed at 7 every night so this means they dont get to see much of each other. OH has started saying that he wants half a "day off" each weekend for him to smoke, drink or just do his own thing without any parental duties. I can understand his work is hard and he does deserve a break but he goes to the pub most friday nights with his mates and barely has to do anything with our son apart from a bit of playtime on the evening as i do everything else. he does no housework as this is my job as i dont work.
am i being unreasonable not wanting him to have this? how many other partners get time off like this? i just want a general idea of how other families work so i know whether im just being mean or not!!!

OP posts:

Report

natandjacob · 21/07/2011 19:16

thankyou so much for all the advice! he's really not as bad as some of the comments have made him out to be, he just has some issues he needs to work out. he does love our son, i think like i said earlier he's having trouble adjusting to fatherhood and his new responsibilities. this isnt an excuse though, he does need to shape up or it wont end well. he does smoke weed which is why i dont like him being around our son after he has smoked it.
thankyou for the link flisspaps, i will definately show him it!!

OP posts:

BlameItOnTheBogey · 21/07/2011 19:21

YANBU. MY DH has just walked through the door (it's nearly 2130 where I live). He left for work at 7 am this morning. This is normal for him. At the weekends his attitude is that he wants to spend as much time with the kids as possible because he doesn't really see them at all during the week. I can't imagine him saying he wants half a day off!

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 19:24

OP, please don't go down the "he might have male PND" or "he is finding it hard to adjust" route

that is, frankly, laughable in view of what a twat he sounds by your posts

I think you should give him what he wants...a single life

he could smoke weed, play online games, drink with equally twatty buddies and take the piss out of women all he likes then

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 19:29

I dont think there is anything wrong in ruling out there is no underlying emotional issue before assuming he is just a twat.

People with depression behave in very odd ways but they become selfish and unless you have been through it its hard to understand. "Escapist" behaviours such as drinking and smoking drugs is very common.

Lots of people can find the pressures of a new life with freedoms taken away can bring out problems.

If he was NOT like this before I would say it wise to not rule it out entirely.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 19:31

I just ruled it out.

HTH

BertieBotts · 21/07/2011 19:34

What would I do? I left. Best thing I ever did.

Al0uiseG · 21/07/2011 19:34

Smoking drugs causes mh issues so until he ditches the drugs he can't be helped.

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 19:46

Well unless your a MH proffesional who actually met the guy in RL that doesnt help in the slightest!

Sorry

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 19:48

Good point AlOusieG

Smoking drugs> depression> smoke again for high> depression> worsening of MH issues etc

Bad circle to be in.

So a good starting point would to seek help with this issue.

BertieBotts · 21/07/2011 19:50

But even if he has "emotional issues", he needs to sort these out HIMSELF. OP can't do it for him, and it's going to be difficult to work through them, including stopping the drugs (drugs and families should never ever mix IMO, even if it is "only" weed) - it's going to be turbulent for the rest of the family, and it's going to be harder for him to cope with the changes while dealing with everyday family stress too, so the best thing would be if he took some time out to get himself sorted.

I know this sounds drastic and ridiculous, but that's only because if you're living with this kind of behaviour it's normalised for you. It's not normal for the vast majority of people. What would you think if the genders were reversed and it was a mum smoking weed and ignoring her child and calling the dad a "bad father" for asking her to look after her OWN CHILD? Would you judge more harshly? I think most people would. So why does the dad get away with "He might have emotional issues"?

Yes, he might have issues, but they are his problem, not his son's problem, and he shouldn't be letting those issues affect his son, or at least doing everything in his power to prevent it.

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 19:54

Its nothing to do with gender.

I do think his behaviour is disgusting and I would never stand for it.

But rather than advise a young family to throw it all in lets see if it can be solved and sometimes people need love or failing that tough love to get them onto the right path.

I used to think someone I knew was a tawt for spending all day smoking drugs.

A few months later he tried to kill himself.

Think before we judge to harshly.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 19:57

coco, I think trying to find tenuous excuses for male bad behaviour is also unhelpful

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 20:01

Why is this a gender issue?

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 20:02

coco, it isn't

it's about this person here described on this thread

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 20:04

so when people wade in to say "it might be male PND" or "blokes can find it difficult to adjust to fathehood" they make it a gender issue

me, I think he's a twat, regardless of gender

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 20:07

You said "male" bad behaviour.

I am all for helping a young family try and work this out and stick together. It doesnt mean accepting the behaviour it means working out if there is a root cause.

Its hard to see if he is just a twat wanting the single life (as mentioned earlier) or there is another cause.

The main thing for the OP is has he always been like this? If so, then it doesnt look good.

If its recent then it may be more complex than just a twat.

People are complex beings and have very strange behaviour at times.

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 20:08

There is nothing wrong with saying men can go through horrible times after becoming a father just like a woman when becoming a mother. MH/ emotional issues dont discriminate on gender.

AnyFucker · 21/07/2011 20:16

but this is a thread about a male behaving badly

doing this new MN craze of "but what if we swop the genders ??? waahhhh" just attempts to confuse the issue

a person (a real person, not a hypothetical one) who happens to be a man is taking the piss out of his wife

how does "just reverse it, and see what you think then" help her ?

answer : it doesn't, because she isn't behaving like that, he is

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 20:18

I never said anything about swopping genders?

Gender is irrelevant IMO.

OP, when did this behaviour start? That is the key question here.

RedHotPokers · 21/07/2011 20:20

OP - please don't give in to this beahviour from your H.
It is crucial for your relationship that he understands that you need free time too.
Don't be a martyr either. Everyone needs a break some time, so do your best to try to come up with an arrangement that suits, and most importantly ensure your H values what you do. If you have another DC, then your DHs attitude will be even more crucial.

BertieBotts · 21/07/2011 20:22

No okay I said that, I just meant it wouldn't be excused as being about "emotional issues" if it was a woman doing these things. Most people would be horrified. So why are we encouraging OP to dismiss his behaviour?

Cocoflower · 21/07/2011 20:25

I dont see anyone even remotely telling the OP to dismiss his behaviour.

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blackeyedsusan · 21/07/2011 20:32

I think your mum needs to come down with a sudden illness that requires you to rush off there one weekend... preferably an illness that is treated with coffee and cake in the local coffee shop. can't possibly take ds as it may be dangerous.. (all that hot coffee) and he might get sick (all that caaaaakkkke) (sorry, just drooling)

Conchita · 21/07/2011 20:38

the thing that I find worrying from OP's post is that your H doesn't seem to spend ANY quality time with you or your son. What exactly does he want time off for? What does he want to go and do that he can't do with his family? Why can't it just be a day once a month? I think you need a frank heart-to-heart with him about why he doesn't want to spend time with you. Maybe he does he need help, maybe like some men sadly, he just doesn't like having small kids around.
Being 30 does not make him a mature man of the world. he smokes week fgs

Conchita · 21/07/2011 20:38

*weed!

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