dad wants time off

[natandjacob]

My OH has his own company and works untill 6/6.30 every weekday and sometimes on the weekend. Our 1 year old son goes to bed at 7 every night so this means they dont get to see much of each other. OH has started saying that he wants half a "day off" each weekend for him to smoke, drink or just do his own thing without any parental duties. I can understand his work is hard and he does deserve a break but he goes to the pub most friday nights with his mates and barely has to do anything with our son apart from a bit of playtime on the evening as i do everything else. he does no housework as this is my job as i dont work.
am i being unreasonable not wanting him to have this? how many other partners get time off like this? i just want a general idea of how other families work so i know whether im just being mean or not!!!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

This really is another man who thinks women are servants. He thinks that he is more important than his partner, and his needs take priority no matter what. I bet he comes home from his 'time off' and expects to get his cock sucked as well.
Natandjacob: go and find out what your rights would be, what benefits you would get, etc, if you dumped this sexist tosspot. You don't have to do the dumping, you can carry on as long as you like hoping he will change, but the important thing is that you have the information.

[natandjacob]

He has always smoked weed and this is an issue we've been working on getting him to cut down on. he has made a lot of progress but its just hard getting him to give up completely.
i know the answer to all this is that i need to be firmer and put my foot down when its needed (i've always been a pushover..anything for an easy life!) I've spoken to him and we're going to have a good chat tonight and really get things out in the open. he's honestly not a bad person i've just been letting him get away with it. we werent together long before i got pregnant and with us not having much family around and him starting a business up from scratch, times have been a bit stressful. im not excusing him in any way, his behaviour has been terrible. if possible i do want to make it work though. when he does spend time with us he's a great dad and partner, he just needs to do it a lot more often and needs to realise how hard my job can be.

after reading all your comments i've already made plans to go down and see my sister for a long weekend...minus the baby! wish me luck!

[OrangeHat]

Nice one natandjacob!

Best of luck to you, enjoy your weekend away, I hope that your DH sees sense and things work out.

If you ever need a chat again you know where we all are!!!

[notmyproblem]

Please natandjacob reread your last post. See how often you use the word "I/we" when referring to his problems. Can you see how you are taking the blame here for his behaviour? I'm sure it's unconscious on your part, but you need to see this. It's not good for you, you're becoming the martyr and if you continue this he will not change -- because nothing you ever do will be good enough to make him. He has to do it himself (with your support of course).

"He has always smoked weed and this is an issue we've been working on getting him to cut down on."

"i know the answer to all this is that i need to be firmer and put my foot down when its needed (i've always been a pushover..anything for an easy life!)

"he's honestly not a bad person i've just been letting him get away with it.

Read this back to yourself, think about what you would say if your sister/friend said this to you and asked for advice. You know deep down that it's not your fault, his behaviour. So don't let yourself think that it is!

[BadTasteFlump]

Good luck to you nat.

Stick to your guns, let him see you're not going to be a pushover any more, and hopefully things will start to get better

[Cocoflower]

I was the first person on here to suggest you leave him in sole charge of ds in order to appreciate you...

However now you have said he smokes weed are you positive ds will be left in a safe environment?

[Snorbs]

Ah, so he's a stoner. It all becomes clear.

A lot of people look to "me time" while in a relationship as an opportunity to pursue hobbies, or catch up with friends, or to otherwise enrich their lives. They find it helps them to remember that they are a person in their own right rather than just a parent and they then return to family life feeling refreshed and invigorated.

By contrast, your OH wants his "me time" so he has even more opportunities to get stoned on his own. And it won't be "half a day", will it? He'll probably be caning it as soon as he thinks he can get away with it so you can pretty much guarantee he'll be stoned from noon (if not earlier) until he finally falls into bed.

I know how much you want to make this work. But your enthusiasm for him changing his ways will get absolutely nowhere unless he wants to. His drug use and disinterest in family life isn't something you can fix. It's got to come from him and, frankly, everything you've said about him screams out that he's just not that interested. You and your child come a very distant third place to him behind drugs and work. Sorry.

[SmethwickBelle]

As others have said (and there was a similar thread earlier today), that's fine as long as you get half a day too.

And if he's at the pub on a Friday night, you get to go out / to the pub on another night.

[natandjacob]

notmyproblem now you've pointed that out i can see it :( this is my first serious relationship i've been in and i didnt have the most balanced of childhoods so im still learning the ropes on what family life should be like. i know i am going to have to stick to my guns though, but i do realise he needs to want to give up if he's going to get anywhere with it. doesnt matter how much i nag, it has to be his choice.
cocoflower i am a bit nervous about leaving them cos he's never been left with him for that long before. he is very firm on not smoking around ds so i doubt he would just because im not there. he is a good dad when he spends time with ds, he just needs to realise that its not normal to only spend 30 mins or so playing with ds and it takes a lot more than just playing with toys to raise a child. i'm close with mil so was thinking of having a subtle word with her about all this. obviously dont want to be critiscing her son but she is very fair minded so im sure she will see my point.

on a brighter note, he seems to be aware im not so happy at the mo and has invited us down to the pub with him this afternoon (its a nice family pub so no problems bringing ds), lets just hope he keeps it up!

[AnyF]

blimey, he has deigned to "allow" you to come to the pub with him for the afternoon ?

so you just sit there and have to witness how crap he is

FWIW, if he has a free afternoon, you should spend it doing child-centred things eg. go the park, not sit in/outside a pub

you are too easily mollified

I also agree with everything notmyproblem and snorbs said

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

I was shocked by this:

I have tried leaving OH with son without much notice before to go do food shop on my own but he ended up ringing me telling me he was taking our son to go stop with his father for a few days and that i was a bad mother for just leaving son on the floor with him in another room.

[redskyatnight]

FWIW my DH behaved a lot like this when DS was 1 (and I worked p/t as well). DH honestly believed that as I "only" worked p/t while he worked f/t it was "fair" for me to do the majority of the childcare and housework. It took months of careful explaining exactly what I did and how little sleep I had (DS used to wake multiple times in the night), and how much I resented him having a lie in on a Saturday, followed by 2 hours of reading the paper whilst I never had any time to myself for him to "get it". But he did get it (eventually) though it was a series of baby steps over a long length of time, so I suppose it was worth the trying.

DH's (slight) defence was that his dad was a long distance lorry driver while he was young, so his mum did EVERYTHING, and his dad mabye occasionally took them to the park when he was home, and DH considered that to be "normal".

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Oh, yet another bloke who has smelled out a vulnerable woman with damaged boundaries and low self-esteem. Sorry Nat but men like him do target women who are underconfident about relationships, because a woman who has high self esteem will tell lazy sexist stoners to fuck right off and not come back.

[notmyproblem]

Nat fwiw you sound like a sensible strong intelligent and loving young mum. You've got your whole life ahead of you and it's quite obvious how much you care for and care about your DS. As much as your DH might have his good points, don't ever let yourself believe you deserve anything less than the best in a partner. If he's not cutting it, don't hold back -- tell him, give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't shape up then get rid. You and your DS deserve a real husband and father. Like you said, it's just not normal or acceptable to play 30 mins with your son once a week and consider that a fair share of "parenting". Don't let him make you doubt yourself! YANBU in this relationship.

Good luck!

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Does your DH earn £37,000 a year? Cos that apparently is how much a SAHM would (should) be paid every year for all the "non work" she does.

[Cocoflower]

Where did you get that info Nick?

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

It was in todays newspaper.
If a SAHM was paid for all the hours she puts into being a SAHM (70 hrs per week), as cook, cleaner, laundress, etc, that is how much she would earn.

[Cocoflower]

Intresting. Which paper?

I know life insurance for housewives is valued around that amount

www.legalandgeneral.com/life-cover/confused-about-life-cover/articles-and-guides/value-of-a-mum.html

I put it in a thread a few months ago and got slightly flamed!

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Okay, I admit, it was the Mail, but I do think it was valid.

[CheerfulYank]

I believe it. SAHM is bloody hard and unappreciated.

My DH has tried the "but you don't work during the summer" thing before (I work at the school part-time September to June) to justify why I should do more and believe me, I nipped that in the bud!

I do everything around the house during the day as that is when I am home and DH is at his job. When he gets home he plays with DS. Sometimes he does baths and sometimes I do, but he always handles bedtime. If one of us wants to go out with friends, we go. I get to lie in on Saturdays as long as I want and he gets Sundays. He does some of the cooking and washing up on the weekends and we both do general tidying.

Works for us. :)

I would go along with what everyone's said: it's fine if he gets "me time" as long as you do too. He could use the time to bond with your son.

[Cocoflower]

It is still valid and the point of SAHM monetary worth is a good one.

I realised how spoilt I am with DH now after seeing this thread....

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Just because he earns money does not give your DH the right to expect me time unless you get it too, OP.

Explain to him that, without you running the home and bringing up his DC he would not be able to work so much. And if you didn't do it, he would have to pay someone else to do these things. (£37,000?)

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Coco, what makes you think you are spoilt?

[Cocoflower]

I think I am very lucky with DH. He appreciates everything I do, never moans, does a huge amount of housework and always puts his family first.

Feeling a bit guilty for not appreciating him fully now!

[NickRobinsonsloveslave]

Blimey, has he got any brothers?
(opens door to let them in).