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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be riled by my stepdaughter?

139 replies

NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:19

Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas.
We did, but - just wanted to run this by you the AIBU jury...

SD, who is 25, has been here for Christmas. In fairness, she is now very pleasant to me and even helped me clean the kitchen in the run up to xmas, which would have been unheard of a few years back.
However - Boxing Day afternoon, she announced she "might go to London tomorrow" to see her boyfriend. Good, I said, can you take ds (who is 8) and hand him over to his dad, my ex-p. (We have a complicated family set up.)
SD: Oh - ah - well, I might not go actually, is just an idea(her v expressive face registering one thought and one thought only ie: Oh shit
Then this morning, she was sculling round the house keeping a low profile, watched me get ds ready to go and see his dad, watched me and dh drive off to the station with my mum, who had kindly agreed to take ds all the way to London on the train (it's three hours each way), said nothing.
Dh and I got back, having seen ds off, complete with spending £60 in train fares, to find sd flying round the house like a bat out of heell, frantically stuffing her car with bags, heading off to London.
DH: "wow she was in a hurry, she must really be crazy about this new fella"
ME: Hmmmmmm.....
So, did she change her mind twice, purely coincidentally, or is she not a terribly helpful person: you decide!
And no - the fact that I've just knocked myself out to lay on a great xmas for her and her siblings my other stepkids (we even had her grandparents round - ie dh's first wife's parents, cos I am such a saint), spent a fortune, knackered myself out, etc etc, house now a bombsite, doesn't make me feel annoyed one little bit, Oh no, of course not. Grrrrr....

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 27/12/2010 21:21

I would think she is not actually going to London but has other plans that she does not care to share with you and her father.

atswimtwolengths · 27/12/2010 21:22

She does seem really selfish. Was she expected to take your son to his dad's house, or was his dad due to meet him at the station?

I can't help wondering why you're spending all that money on transport - can't his dad pay that?

firstforthought · 27/12/2010 21:22

She didn't want to take him but I think you know that! Sorry!

traceybath · 27/12/2010 21:23

I would think she didn't want to look after your small child on a fairly long train journey and not sure I would have at that age to be honest.

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 27/12/2010 21:24

Yes, deffo not London.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 27/12/2010 21:24

i would say she didnt want the trouble of being in charge of your 8 year old when all she wanted to do was go and see her boyfriend.

SantasMadMissy · 27/12/2010 21:25

I too think she didn't want to take him!

Hassledge · 27/12/2010 21:25

If you otherwise get on well and she's been helpful etc, then it's safe to assume this has less to do with your DS and more to do with the fact she is up to no good somewhere that isn't London. But at 25, what can you do?

SingingTunelessly · 27/12/2010 21:27

Did DH not think it strange that she did this? Confused I would be annoyed but not sure there is anything you can do now tbh.

classydiva · 27/12/2010 21:27

You expected her to drop him off to your ex? Personally I don't feel that is an appropriate request.

She is driving would have to drive to his home, do you know London at all?

If your ex wants to see his kid let him come fetch them himself. You shouldnt expect her to take your child to see your ex, it is nothing to do with her at all.

It is your responsibility no one elses.

SantaMousePink · 27/12/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:29

Atswimtwolengths - just to any central London station would have done it, ex p would have been happy to meet her wherever really.
As for the cost of transport - I know! - i have just said to ex p he has got to start contributing cos it;s ridiculous, I end up spending a fair chunk of the maintenace money he gives me on transporting ds back to him for visits. In fairness, he has agreed to share the costs.
I'm just so disappointed in sd, she used to be really difficult and in the past year or so she;s been so much nicer to me and even appreciatve. but this is making it hard for me not to feel really hurt and annoyed, also raking up the zillion and one other little things that she did years ago. One time I was trying to chat to her about one of our relatives and I said in a gossipy way, "hey you don't think xxx could be gay, do you, they haven't had a relationship ever that we know of" - and she went stright to them and told them what I said. I digress, but this is how it's affecting me right now, I feel all upset and rattled.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 27/12/2010 21:34

She didnt want to take him. she is 25 so I'd say she didnt feel comfortable saying " I dont feel comfortable doing this"

proudfoot · 27/12/2010 21:35

I think she is not unreasonable - she obviously has her own plans and doesn't want to take your DS, which I think that is fair enough. 3 hours in the car (+ detour of wherever in London she would need to take him) is a long time and would totally disrupt her plans.

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:36

Classydiva, I hear what you are saying but we are a family, she lived with me for 8 years and I also have brought up her younger sibs from when they were very small (her ma is dead). I have paid my dues I really do think, ie been with her to pick up her A level results, went to her graduation, helped redecorate her bedroom, etc etc.
I was just a bit disappointed that she couldn't be arsed, ds would have sat quite happily in her car and it's only a 2.5 hour drive. She works with learning disabled kids and adults, by the way, so would be completely capable of looking after a kid for a few hours, if she felt like it. Which she clearly didn't.
As for not going to London - where the heck else would she be going, bearing in mind that we don't mind ANYTHING she does AT ALL, given that she is an adult and her own boss. We haven't even met this boyfriend, he is very new, but I am assured he does exist...The mind boggles....

OP posts:
Ladyofthehousespeaking · 27/12/2010 21:37

Yabu- ds is your responsibility.

proudfoot · 27/12/2010 21:38

NanaRoyle

"One time I was trying to chat to her about one of our relatives and I said in a gossipy way, "hey you don't think xxx could be gay, do you, they haven't had a relationship ever that we know of" Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm

Are you joking?! What rubbish is that to say about one of your relatives to strike up some light "gossip" - you sound like a total piece of work.

curlymama · 27/12/2010 21:41

She didn't want to or she couldn't because she had pland that wouldn't have worked with taking your son in the car. That is her choice, she's an adult. She doesn't owe you anything for what you have done for her over the years, you were the adult, she was a child who has lost her mother.

YABU to be hurt and annoyed.

SantaMousePink · 27/12/2010 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KangarooCaught · 27/12/2010 21:42

Sounds like she couldn't be arsed and was being selfish. However, more generously maybe not confident about driving in London, especially if unsure of location?

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:42

Lonnie, I suppose you are right, she just didn't feel able to say to me: "I don't want to"
Because she knew it was MEAN of her. And she likes to look nice and be the "good" one.

DH, by the way, couldn't be bothered to think about it at all and just said: "Yes I am sure she did think she would go and then she didn't and then she did again. You know what it is like in the early days of a relationship."

I am going to have to get over this, aren't I, and go and watch some telly. Wish there was some Baileys left....

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 27/12/2010 21:47

Yes Nana I think letting it go is the best way. So frustrating though doesn't seem like a lot to ask from what you've said.

curlymama · 27/12/2010 21:48

Or she knew that you would be unreasonably upset with her or tried to persuade her otherwise if she had said 'I don't want to'.

Why wouldn't she want people to think she was nice and to be a good person?

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:49

Proudfoot - I think saying idly - "funny xxx has never had a boyfriend, you don't suppose she is gsay, do you?" over the washing up is not half as nasty as calling someone you've never met and know next to nothing about "a total piece of work". You SOUND LOVELY, really really LOVELY.

OP posts:
emsyj · 27/12/2010 21:49

You sound really angry and resentful of all you perceive you have done for your stepchildren, which is rather sad IMO. You seem to feel that she owes you, but she doesn't. Agree with curlymama. YABU.

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