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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be riled by my stepdaughter?

139 replies

NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:19

Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas.
We did, but - just wanted to run this by you the AIBU jury...

SD, who is 25, has been here for Christmas. In fairness, she is now very pleasant to me and even helped me clean the kitchen in the run up to xmas, which would have been unheard of a few years back.
However - Boxing Day afternoon, she announced she "might go to London tomorrow" to see her boyfriend. Good, I said, can you take ds (who is 8) and hand him over to his dad, my ex-p. (We have a complicated family set up.)
SD: Oh - ah - well, I might not go actually, is just an idea(her v expressive face registering one thought and one thought only ie: Oh shit
Then this morning, she was sculling round the house keeping a low profile, watched me get ds ready to go and see his dad, watched me and dh drive off to the station with my mum, who had kindly agreed to take ds all the way to London on the train (it's three hours each way), said nothing.
Dh and I got back, having seen ds off, complete with spending £60 in train fares, to find sd flying round the house like a bat out of heell, frantically stuffing her car with bags, heading off to London.
DH: "wow she was in a hurry, she must really be crazy about this new fella"
ME: Hmmmmmm.....
So, did she change her mind twice, purely coincidentally, or is she not a terribly helpful person: you decide!
And no - the fact that I've just knocked myself out to lay on a great xmas for her and her siblings my other stepkids (we even had her grandparents round - ie dh's first wife's parents, cos I am such a saint), spent a fortune, knackered myself out, etc etc, house now a bombsite, doesn't make me feel annoyed one little bit, Oh no, of course not. Grrrrr....

OP posts:
Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:52

Thank you Singing Tunelessly, I am going to head off, the harsher AIBU folk are starting to give me a kicking and it's not really helping.
Curlymama, Proudfoot, thanks a lot. Sure you handle all your tricky situations perfectly, you clever people.

OP posts:
ShanahansRevenge · 27/12/2010 21:53

YABU...why should she? Too much responsibility imo.

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:54

Oh and emsyj, thanks, you can pop off and polish your halo now.

OP posts:
emsyj · 27/12/2010 21:58

You have posted on AIBU. I have replied that I think YABU. Your subsequent posts contain a lot of offensive comments directed at those who don't agree with your view and which are totally unprovoked and unnecessary.

I am very glad indeed that you are not my stepmother. And I still think YABU.

autodidact · 27/12/2010 22:06

Do you think she wanted to smoke in the car? I was a secret smoker at that age!

Bogeyface · 27/12/2010 22:14

He is your child not hers. She doesnt owe you anything, you are a parent (step or otherwise) and that means giving without condition. And it didnt read to me like you were asking a favour, but not really giving her any choice! "oh you can take DS with you" as opposed to "would you mind dropping him off" would put my back up tbh!

She didnt want to and didnt know how to say it, possibly because she knew how you would react. I do think that YABU, and also VU by being so nasty to everyone who didnt say what you wanted to hear!

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 27/12/2010 22:14

Sorry, this is going to sound like I'm picking, but I am genuinely confused.

DSD lived with you for 8 years (presumably not recently.

DS is 8 and DSD's dad isn't his dad.

How does this fit in time-wise? Did you leave DH then go back to him? Confused

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 22:19

You might be right autodidact - that really did never occur to me. And I would be shocked by that, yes. She is v clean living though ( I think!)

Generally, I have thought it over and yes, I suppose if you were bombing off on a booty call to your new boyfriend you might not want an 8 y o in tow. I'm just a bit disappointed cos I thought she wouldn't mind helping me out, but maybe it was too much to ask. I do wish she could have said so directly but she does prefer to avoid confrontation of any sort (and I can understand that, she did have a very traumatic early childhood) so it's not a massive surprise really.
Putting it down to experience Wink.

OP posts:
swanandduck · 27/12/2010 22:20

He's not her responsibility. If she agreed to do it as a favour, fair enough. But if she felt uncomfortable about it, she shouldn't be put under pressure.

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 22:20

Hi Loopyloops
Yes I see what you mean!
I met dh when ds was 6 months old (ex p exited the scene when/because I was pregnant). Sd lived with us until very recently, when she moved to London for a new job.
Hope that makes sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 22:22

Loopy, ds is almost 9, y'see...

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 27/12/2010 22:23

Ah I see, thanks! Sorry, I didn't mean to sound suspicious!

SantasENormaSnob · 27/12/2010 22:27

Yabu

it's a big ask IMO

MumBarTheDoorSantaUsesChimneys · 27/12/2010 22:28

I actually do not think it was an unreasonable request at all. People say you seem to expect your DSD to do stuff for you but surely you are all family and thats just standard.

No-way would anyone in my family or extended family think not to take someone part or full journey somewhere they were headed anyway.

An example: My mum and her side stay at the same caravan park every year for 3 weeks over summer. I take DS to stay with them for a few days. This means I travel up and back twice in one week. My cousins (16-21ish) who work/ dont drive etc will always ask me when I'm going up and get a lift up for day, few days etc.
This year my cousin whos DD lives with her mum asked me to bring her up to him, as she was staying the week as saved him driving back to get her.

Pretty normal I would have thought. Confused

curlymama · 27/12/2010 22:33
Hmm

Ridiculously harsh responses to anyone that dares to say YABU on AIBU?

You sound LOVELY. Really really LOVELY.

Hmm
OTTMummA · 27/12/2010 22:38

It wasn't U to ask her, but YADBU to feel like this because she said no.
She doesn't owe you anything, but you seem to be thinking otherwise, for what reason i do not know.
She probably had plans that she didn't want you or DH to know about, and your request wasn't really do able along side them.
Best to let it go and not expect much from her.

Original poster
NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 22:38

Thank you MumBar, that's exactly how our family usually works too. I don't think it's a stepsister thing, it's just a favour to her family which would have been appreciated and was honestly not asked for in a pushy way at all - after all, she found it ever so easy to get out of doing it, didn't she, without any comeback at all (apart from some anonymous moaning on a website on my part, but hey, I'm only human)

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 27/12/2010 22:39

i am 25, i really hates it when people assume because i got a car i will drop people off.

if i didn't have a car what would they do then

miniwedge · 27/12/2010 22:49

Yabu it's your responsibility to arrange travel for your son to his dad with his dad, not with random family members.

Why was it all left to the last minute?

BitOfFun · 27/12/2010 22:54

I can see why you feel put out- but I guess she just didn't want to. Which I suppose is fair enough- you are asking a favour, and people don't have to oblige. I understand that you are disappointed though.

Lizzywishes · 27/12/2010 23:01

It is tricky being a stepchild and I agree with others that it really shouldn't be her problem how your child gets to his dad. Those are problems of yours and his making, not hers. This situation is not her fault and however great you have been that can never make up for the loss of her mum. I think that the biggest mistake step parents can make is to try to drag children not their own into family arrangements like this.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 27/12/2010 23:13

No wonder she didn't feel able to say no, you have started to pick over very old wounds because she didn't do this one thing. Why don't you try being an adult and have an adult chat with her about it.

allnightlong · 27/12/2010 23:18

YABU why should she be resonsible for a child and hand him over just because your relations with your EX are diffcult.

activate · 27/12/2010 23:26

why would she want to take an 8 year old on a 3 hour car drive?

seriously?

maddy68 · 27/12/2010 23:28

TBH I would have hated the job of handing him over to your ex and I am 45 not 25
I would have made any excuse not to have to do that, plus it would have meant changing her plans in order to meet up when all she wanted to do was see her boyfriend. YABU
Your son, your responsibility