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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be riled by my stepdaughter?

139 replies

NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:19

Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas.
We did, but - just wanted to run this by you the AIBU jury...

SD, who is 25, has been here for Christmas. In fairness, she is now very pleasant to me and even helped me clean the kitchen in the run up to xmas, which would have been unheard of a few years back.
However - Boxing Day afternoon, she announced she "might go to London tomorrow" to see her boyfriend. Good, I said, can you take ds (who is 8) and hand him over to his dad, my ex-p. (We have a complicated family set up.)
SD: Oh - ah - well, I might not go actually, is just an idea(her v expressive face registering one thought and one thought only ie: Oh shit
Then this morning, she was sculling round the house keeping a low profile, watched me get ds ready to go and see his dad, watched me and dh drive off to the station with my mum, who had kindly agreed to take ds all the way to London on the train (it's three hours each way), said nothing.
Dh and I got back, having seen ds off, complete with spending £60 in train fares, to find sd flying round the house like a bat out of heell, frantically stuffing her car with bags, heading off to London.
DH: "wow she was in a hurry, she must really be crazy about this new fella"
ME: Hmmmmmm.....
So, did she change her mind twice, purely coincidentally, or is she not a terribly helpful person: you decide!
And no - the fact that I've just knocked myself out to lay on a great xmas for her and her siblings my other stepkids (we even had her grandparents round - ie dh's first wife's parents, cos I am such a saint), spent a fortune, knackered myself out, etc etc, house now a bombsite, doesn't make me feel annoyed one little bit, Oh no, of course not. Grrrrr....

OP posts:

frgr · 29/12/2010 00:00

oh - and add to that issue number 4 - the fact that SD is expected to take the child to fulfil visitation arrangements, despite the fact that she is not responsible in any way for him/her.

Absolutely lovely if the SD had accepted, of course. Practical, indeed. But she was entirely within her right to refuse, whether directly or indirectly. And moaning about it on here is what makes the OP unreasonable. Not the SD.

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 01:35

Hmm.?I do wonder what everyones reaction would be if you took the word "step" out of the equation.

foggyfig · 29/12/2010 04:30

I would also like to know if the word 'step' was taken out, what the response would be.

I have 3 children. The eldest is 4 and 6 years older then the younger 2. He has had his license since the youngest was 13. If the two youngest children needed to be somewhere, and the eldest was going in that direction, I have always asked him to take the others. We live out of town and have spent many hours travelling to take all the children to their sports and social functions.

I could say that the children were my responsibility, but I don't see why we can not all work together to make each others lives easier. If that means a lift somewhere for the others, then so be it.

He has never said no, and he has never asked for fuel money. If I have offered money, he will say no.

It his way of helping his parents who have done a heck of a lot for him while he was growing up.

Morloth · 29/12/2010 04:52

Well you can't really take the 'step' part out of this particular story, without the step bit you wouldn't have the resentment the OP fees towards her SDD nor the uncomfortable handover situation.

If say I asked DS1 to drop his brother off somewhere 4 hours away at one of my friend's places that is a different kettle of fish to this situation.

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2010 08:06

Why did your mother have to take DS?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 09:30

she didn't dare say no i'm guessing

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 09:49

If I've missed the history of op posting on the subject of her dsd then I apologise but it seems to me that a lot of people have jumped to massive conclusions regarding the relationship and level of resentment. If the word step was taken out and the mother was complaining that she'd worked her ass of over Christmas and dd had refused ( by stealth ) to do this same favour then there would be far less people saying the op was being unreasonable.

The op is annoyed by her dsd unhelpful behaviour and on the basis of that alone I don't blame her. There isn't enough info to make any more assumptions (such as assuming the hand over would be uncomfortable, it may be, but equally it may not!)

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 09:51

Morloth why is it a different kettle of fish for you to ask your son to do the same thing the op asked her dsd to do?

noonar · 29/12/2010 10:47

Hmm actually I think 25 is quite old enough to take a bit of responsibility and help with your ds even if it did cramp her style. You obviously have been a great support to her and her sibs over the years even though they were not technically your responsibility. Surely she is now mature enough to give a little something back at this busy time of year. The way some people are talking on this thread, anyone would think she was 17!

AllyH9 · 29/12/2010 10:50

She's a selfish cow, and she's doing it to make you react. Don't. She may grow up one day.

Morloth · 29/12/2010 10:59

Because I don't feel like I am doing my kid any sort of a favour raising them and inviting their grandparents into my home. Therefore I don't feel like they owe me anything.

I also wouldn't involve a child (step or otherwise) in a handover situation with an ex. So if DS2 had a different dad to DS1 and we had a tense relationship I wouldn't want DS1 involved in that at all.

The dynamics are different in blended families, they just are there is nothing wrong with that but they are different.

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 11:12

Yes blended families do have different dynamics but then all families have different dynamics. Some blended families may work better than some non blended ones. The point I'm trying to make is that perhaps the op is justified in being pissed off that a 25 year old member of her family couldn't do a simple favour. Everything else is just assumptions being made by posters. An example of one of these assumptions being your own in that you state that the hand over to dad will be an awkward one.

Morloth · 29/12/2010 11:18

OP said it was awkward, perhaps the OP is justified perhaps not, the only person who actually knows what was going through the DSD's head is her.

We are all extrapolating from what is posted here.

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 11:32

The op said it was a complicated family set up, not that it was awkward or tense, those words came from posters.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 11:34

but to reiterate the point - it wasn't asked as a favour, she didn't ask at all or discuss it and how it would work. it was demanded, taken as a given.

17 or 50, daughter or man in the street you don't just demand they do things for you. you ask.

Goblinchild · 29/12/2010 11:40

Far too simple and obvious an answer SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan!
No one likes being cornered.

Morloth · 29/12/2010 11:49

You are quite right Fontsnob I did read it incorrectly and had thought the OP said it was awkward, I also would find it awkward to do the handover in such a position. So went from there, my apologies.

Fontsnob · 29/12/2010 11:51

How is the phrase "can you take" not a request? "you can take" would be a demand. Although obviously the word please would be a good addition.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 29/12/2010 12:29

you're right - that is what she said and i read it as 'you can take'. maybe it's the phrasing that makes it sound like a demand rather than a question. or maybe the tone and comments of OP made me imagine her as someone who would demand.

it's not there in the print but i read it really clearly. my instincts could be wrong but - i don't know - it's a strong feeling that it was assumed backed up by the affrontedness and listing of everything she's done for the woman and how much she owes her and everything she's done wrong in response to her not doing something she wanted?

i'm joining the dots but they do link up to a pretty clear picture to me.

OTTMummA · 29/12/2010 16:28

YOU, Yes YOU OP, think YOU are a saint for inviting the Grandparents around, WTF?
Get over yourself dear!
All this attitude coming off your post probably is very tangible in RL and i am sure your SD can pick up on it.
What on earth did your DSD do to have her mum die and then end up with you as a piss poor SM.
Pathetic.

clams · 29/12/2010 20:37

AIBU from your stepdaughter's perspective:

When I was young my mum died and when I was 16 my Dad got together with a woman who had a 6 month old baby. I was probably pretty suspicious of her motives and defensive around her.

Over the years she has expected gratitude for attending my graduation (??!!), accused a family member of hiding their sexuality and then been angry with me for repeating her gossip and has been generally put out that she has had to include my maternal grandparents in family life.

My (now 8 year old) step brother was going to visit his biological father in London this week and travel arrangements had already been made when I mentioned I was driving to London for a romantic weekend with my new boyfriend. My stepmum asked me to take my brother. But I made an excuse because I would be responsible for the handover of a little boy to his dad (whatever the additional history, a man who is so unreliable that he left my stepmum when she was pregnant might be pretty flaky in meeting or unpleasant). My stepmum is now being moody with me. Again.

OP needs to have a little think about her attitude I think.

MsKLo · 29/12/2010 20:54

proudfoot - give OP a break, we all gossip amongst family!

cumfy · 29/12/2010 21:17

I said in a gossipy way, "hey you don't think xxx could be gay, do you, they haven't had a relationship ever that we know of"

And you wonder why she's got a problem with you ?

Didn't you get it?
That he/she probably didn't liked to be gossiped about anymore than you liked being gossiped about gossiping.

Join.The.Dots

cumfy · 29/12/2010 21:18

Or perhaps you're a troll.

cumfy · 29/12/2010 21:22

If DS is 9 and it was a direct train he could go on his own ?

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