To be riled by my stepdaughter?

[NanaRoyle]

Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas.
We did, but - just wanted to run this by you the AIBU jury...

SD, who is 25, has been here for Christmas. In fairness, she is now very pleasant to me and even helped me clean the kitchen in the run up to xmas, which would have been unheard of a few years back.
However - Boxing Day afternoon, she announced she "might go to London tomorrow" to see her boyfriend. Good, I said, can you take ds (who is 8) and hand him over to his dad, my ex-p. (We have a complicated family set up.)
SD: Oh - ah - well, I might not go actually, is just an idea(her v expressive face registering one thought and one thought only ie: Oh shit
Then this morning, she was sculling round the house keeping a low profile, watched me get ds ready to go and see his dad, watched me and dh drive off to the station with my mum, who had kindly agreed to take ds all the way to London on the train (it's three hours each way), said nothing.
Dh and I got back, having seen ds off, complete with spending £60 in train fares, to find sd flying round the house like a bat out of heell, frantically stuffing her car with bags, heading off to London.
DH: "wow she was in a hurry, she must really be crazy about this new fella"
ME: Hmmmmmm.....
So, did she change her mind twice, purely coincidentally, or is she not a terribly helpful person: you decide!
And no - the fact that I've just knocked myself out to lay on a great xmas for her and her siblings my other stepkids (we even had her grandparents round - ie dh's first wife's parents, cos I am such a saint), spent a fortune, knackered myself out, etc etc, house now a bombsite, doesn't make me feel annoyed one little bit, Oh no, of course not. Grrrrr....

MsKLo
Yes, but then her gossiping about the gossip is no worse than the original gossip ? Surely ?

Clams good post

I think I would be starting an appreciation thread OP, for your own Mum, for taking your DS on a 3 hour, each way, train trip!

If you shifted your own focus to the person who did you (or your ex-DP) a massive favour, instead of focusing on your feelings that someone else should have done it for you instead, you might feel more positive?

i don't know anyone who would take my son on a 3 hr trip then return on their own for 3 hrs plus time to station and back, waiting for return train there etc. basically give a whole day to taking a child to an able bodied (i presume) man who could come get him himself.

but i wouldn't expect anyone to do it.

was there ever an explanation as to why op didn't take her own son?

"YOU, Yes YOU OP, think YOU are a saint for inviting the Grandparents around, WTF?
Get over yourself dear!
All this attitude coming off your post probably is very tangible in RL and i am sure your SD can pick up on it.
What on earth did your DSD do to have her mum die and then end up with you as a piss poor SM.
Pathetic."

Increasingly hysterical and unhinged posts on this thread, as per usual on AIBU. Not sure how the OP is some sort of evil stepmother for asking her stepdaughter to do her a favour - what she views as a simple and straightforward favour - and feeling hurt that she apparently lied to get out of it. Also, gossiping about a family member, big whup - are you all suggesting you've never voiced a single thought about someone that you wouldn't want them to hear? Very saintly lot aren't you - when you aren't sticking the knife in that is.

FWIW (though I'm sure this post will be drowned in the ongoing wave of opprobrium you seem to have attracted, OP: you weren't unreasonable to ask her to help out with the lift, but as others have said, try not to hold it against her especially as you don't know the full story. It sounds like you have a good relationship generally that has been through some rocky stuff so try to let this by - there are likely to be all sorts of things you don't know about, rather than a simple matter of her thinking "don't care, can't be bothered".

Oh gawd, I think that bit of goss was ok, sort of bonding.

something else was afoot on this trip to London and she didn't want you to know about it. Plus she didnt want to be your nanny - fair enough (even though it's galling). Yes she's been selfish but (reason not excuse!) she lost her mother (does she remenber her?) and now this woman is permanently in her place. You just can't expect her to love you, even ater all you've done. sorry she will probably always see you as the cuckoo in the nest - unless something breaks along the way and a bond is at last forged, but it isn't a given, not necessarily. sorry again

(I know you didn't ask me to go into the history but there is a resistance towards you from her imo)

oops I have missed endless pages. sorry then if my post looks like I'm adding to the fight - didn't want to do that AT ALL OP

agree with Emma - it was ok to ask and hurtful and confusing that she fudged it.

I'm sorry people have been so nasty OP

I don't think you are u. to be riled by this. I am clearly in the minority.

It's your responsibility not hers op. So yabvu.

I meant yanbu. oops.

I was actually quite restrained tbh
I think the OP has a bloody cheek asking anyone to take her DS on a 3hr trip to meet his dad, other than her, or her partner, or to ask the dad to come get him.

Her attitude is vile, her sense of entitlement is unbelievable, she actually thinks her SD owes her favours? wtf?
And that she should be considered a saint because she had her SD's grandparents round.
Why, i want to know, why?
I would expect them to be more than welcome.
They were in your DH's life and DSD's life well before you rocked up!
A caring, half decent SM would actually want her SD's grandparents round because she would really want to make sure their relationship was solid and people felt comfortable with the situation.
She would put her own insecurities aside for the sake of the motherless SD.
I feel really sorry for the SD, you sound horrid.

Yabu it sounds like you have a bad relationship with your step daughter and as someone who is in a very similar position to your step daughter ( mother died whe young have had two step mothers since then and i am 27) I would be miffed if my step mother started TELLING me that i was going to be doing her a favour hwen all she had really done for mms was allow me to continue to have a normal childhood/ teenager hood.

It was nice of you to have the grandparents there BUT doesn't mean you qualify for any awards they were part of the family you married into.

You didn't do these saintly things specifically for her, you did them for your husband and you're kind of obligated to do them and you'd be doing them for your own child anyway, wouldn't you?

I agree with the poster who suggested that your SD had other plans that she didn't want to share with you and didn't want to say an outright 'no' to you.

It sounds as if you both have an uneasy relationship with each other; perhaps she feels that you 'count' all the things you do for her and measure what you get back?

I know from friends that step-parenting isn't the easiest thing, it takes a lot of work from both sides but with the lion's share from the step-parent, not the step-child. What's her relationship like with her father?

I haven't read the entire thread.

Asking your SD to drive your 8 year old on a 3 HOUR journey was a pretty BIG favor to ask.
I have brought several nieces & nephews on 1.5 hour drives (as well as my own 2 DD, ages 6 & 8). 3 hours is a LONG time to spend in the car with a child.

Your SD was probably shocked that you asked, and is probably thinking you were very unreasonable to ask her..