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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be riled by my stepdaughter?

139 replies

NanaRoyle · 27/12/2010 21:19

Hi everyone, hope you had a good Christmas.
We did, but - just wanted to run this by you the AIBU jury...

SD, who is 25, has been here for Christmas. In fairness, she is now very pleasant to me and even helped me clean the kitchen in the run up to xmas, which would have been unheard of a few years back.
However - Boxing Day afternoon, she announced she "might go to London tomorrow" to see her boyfriend. Good, I said, can you take ds (who is 8) and hand him over to his dad, my ex-p. (We have a complicated family set up.)
SD: Oh - ah - well, I might not go actually, is just an idea(her v expressive face registering one thought and one thought only ie: Oh shit
Then this morning, she was sculling round the house keeping a low profile, watched me get ds ready to go and see his dad, watched me and dh drive off to the station with my mum, who had kindly agreed to take ds all the way to London on the train (it's three hours each way), said nothing.
Dh and I got back, having seen ds off, complete with spending £60 in train fares, to find sd flying round the house like a bat out of heell, frantically stuffing her car with bags, heading off to London.
DH: "wow she was in a hurry, she must really be crazy about this new fella"
ME: Hmmmmmm.....
So, did she change her mind twice, purely coincidentally, or is she not a terribly helpful person: you decide!
And no - the fact that I've just knocked myself out to lay on a great xmas for her and her siblings my other stepkids (we even had her grandparents round - ie dh's first wife's parents, cos I am such a saint), spent a fortune, knackered myself out, etc etc, house now a bombsite, doesn't make me feel annoyed one little bit, Oh no, of course not. Grrrrr....

OP posts:
activate · 27/12/2010 23:29

taking someone to a 'central london underground station' can add an hour on to a journey to London if you're heading for zone 3 and outwards

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2010 23:35

I think you are making to much of this. You had to put your dc on the train, that was the plan yesterday and the day before that, the plan hasn't changed

GiddyPickle · 27/12/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyp · 27/12/2010 23:45

i think she was rude not to give a lift if she was going anyway, esp if she waited til ds had already gone then rushed around. Maybe if she had waited a few hours and then changed her mind it might not of been so bad. YANBU to feel annoyed - you only asked her to give her step brother a lift to somewhere she was going she's 25 but acted like a teenager

Morloth · 27/12/2010 23:55

Like maddy68 I wouldn't want to be handing your DS over to your Ex either. What if he does/says something aggressive or stupid or inappropriate or what if he said that I hadn't dropped the kid off or what if something else happened?

I think this is actually a pretty big ask, not because of the lift itself which isn't a big deal, though having to drive into London as opposed to one of the suburbs is a huge PITA.

YABU and from your responses here you don't sound like the easiest person in the world to get along with. She doesn't owe you anything, she didn't ask for her Mum to die or for her Dad to re-marry.

ensure · 27/12/2010 23:59

Yabu. She didn't want to do it and felt unable to say no so fibbed a bit. Or maybe she did change her mind!
If the former, it is a shame that there isn't the sort of relationship where she can say no to you. But it isn't a reason to be riled with her.
Two hours in the car with an 8 year old and driving in London aren't most people's favourite things surely. It was a big favour to ask.

wineonafridaynight · 28/12/2010 00:01

My opinion would be that perhaps she would find it awkward to drop your DS off but doesn't feel she can tell you that. You say she has a complicated family life - is it complciated in terms of your DS relationship with his father at all? If so then maybe she just doesn't feel it is her place to get involved there.

seeker · 28/12/2010 00:11

I do think there are some bizarre attitudes on here!

Assuming that it wouldn't take her miles out of her way, I think it's very strange that a big sister woouldn't give her brother a lift. I would have asked her whether she would do it, rather than expecting her to, but I would have been amazed if she had said no. Isn't that how families work?

PrincessScrumpy · 28/12/2010 00:21

I'd probably want to stay out of things between you and your ex if I was her and she clearly has plans and doesn't want the resposibility of your 8-year-old. London's a big place so she may be planning to go to a different part and she's 25 with a boyfriend but no real ties so of course she will be a bit selfish.

It would have been nice for her to help out but don't be too hard on her.

seeker · 28/12/2010 00:27

And I never understand it when people are sniffy about giving lifts - if you have a car then of course you give people lifts in it! You're not going to drive round with 4 empty seats when there's soemone who could sit in them, are you?????

whethergirl · 28/12/2010 00:30

Yeh I'm quite surprised by the bizarre attitudes too seeker! Giving a family member a lift....why is that such a big ask? She is well over the selfish teenage years, she is an adult. It's not about tit for tat, it's helping a family member out, the way they would help you if you needed, that's the way it should be. What's with all the "YOUR kid, YOUR responsibility"? Yes, we have the primary responsibility for our children but does that mean we can't ever expect a favour from anyone that involves them? That's ridiculous. Honestly, giving someone a lift that is going in the same direction - even if it takes you a little bit out of your way (in which case you could always offer to drop them somewhere more convenient for you to meet the dad) - that's not exactly a massive favour in my book, I'd do it for a neighbour or one of the mums at school without batting an eyelid.

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2010 00:34

would you be happy to drive in a city you don't know and on your own without anyone but the dc to read the map?

AuntiePickleBottom · 28/12/2010 00:36

look at it this way, before i had my car i could never get a lift any where, i used to spend £40 a week going to collage, nobody paid for my driving lessons or tests.

why should i know give lifts, if public transport was good enough for me, why should it not be good enough for anyone else

seeker · 28/12/2010 00:42

She was asked to take him to London. She works and lives in London.

Oh, and charming attitude, auntiepicklebottom - you just keep on looking after Number One - that's the way of thought that helps to build a better society!

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2010 00:43

Seeker, I couldn't disagree more more about lifts.

SevenAgainstThebes · 28/12/2010 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTTMummA · 28/12/2010 00:49

I think being responsible for a child is a pretty big ask actually, even for someone older than 25 who isn't the mother or father.
A lot of people do not feel comfortable being entrusted with looking after a child even for a few hours.
She might not even be very close to her (just speculating) DSB, she was 16/17 when he was born, thats a massive age gap, so i wouldn't blame her for feeling a bit uncomfortable about driving him around if she did, i doubt they have a lot in common Hmm
She might of also not wanted to get involved in an awkward situation about the travel arrangements that isn't anything to do with her really.
Or she might of also thought that if she does it once she will be expected to do it whenever she is there again.
Who knows is what im really saying, but one thing is for sure OP, she doesn't have to do anything for you, especially carting your young DS about when she has other plans.
That is your responsibility.

Morloth · 28/12/2010 00:50

I would be willing to bet it wasn't the lift part which was the problem, but the handing over. I am 33 and wouldn't want anything to do with that, how uncomfortable/unpleasant could it get?

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2010 00:57

sorry didn't see anywhere the bit about this girl living in London or working there.

Extremelychocolatey · 28/12/2010 01:09

Morloth - would you get a grip! Presumably OP's ds has been seeing his dad regularly over the past few years so it's unlikely there would be a scene when dsd handed her brother to him. And as if the father would claim she hadn't handed him over Hmm

Those of you who are saying you are 33, 45, 102 and would feel uncomfortable in the above situation are rather pathetic immature.

OP - you were not U to ask dsd to give ds a lift but as you now have a good relationship with her I would let it go.

KalokiMallow · 28/12/2010 01:29

Maybe she was just looking to a few hours on her own in the car? Especially as she's been over your for Xmas, I assume she doesn't normally live with you?

KalokiMallow · 28/12/2010 01:29

*looking forward to

kayah · 28/12/2010 01:34

Well - if it was me I would ask her next time she was around. She treats your home as hers yet she doesn't feel she ought to contribute?
That is how we, mums see it.
She may have different point of view, equally valid.
Often at that age youg adults are very selfish. She thinks she's OK and can live life by her rules...

OTTMummA · 28/12/2010 01:46

Kayah, why does drving her DSB around have to be the way she contributes?
She helped clean up at xmas didn't she?
She no longer lives there permanently.
Doesn't sound selfish or uncaring, just had other plans that she didn't want to change.
Thats fair enough really.
Commenting on her age is wrong btw, it would be like me saying often old people are quite expectant, demanding and ignorant of other peoples lives.
Not nice is it.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 28/12/2010 01:59

maybe if you had even had the courtesy to ask her rather than tell her that would have been a better start.

to just announce to anyone that they're taking your child to london is a bit much no?

i think it would have been more like, dsd is there anyway you could possibly take ds into london with you if you're going? he has to go to his dad's and you could arrange to drop him wherever is convenient for you. i would obviously pay your petrol money. i understand if you can't but it would be so helpful....

oh good you can drive my son to his dad's then doesn't really cut it when you're essentially asking a favour.