to think there should be a written code telling you what you do if you go for a smear?

[2shoes]

Have to book one so got me thinking how bloody awkward they are, no matter how many time s I have had it done, I still am never sure what to do.
I am told to go behind the screen and take my clothes off...........
so you take your jeans and pants of, then what, stand there or hop on bed?
so you hop on bed and try not to fall asleep, what do you do with your legs.....

oh and the fave mn question, do you take your socks off??

the list goes on

A cow burped on me once. I would imagine a fanny fart from speculum removal is similar to that.

lmao shirley!!!!

When I last went for a smear the lolly stick was gone and in its place - a brush.

Much, much better. Still awkward, but a quick swipe of a brush was infinitely better than that scraping stick.

I;ne told this story before, last time I went for one, the nurse was all in place with the instrument of torture speculum and then said, 'ooh, you have a fabulous....., and I thought she was going to say, cervix, or fanny, or brazilian or some such, but no, she continued on with 'case of thrush'.

That was a fun afternoon

Jammyrella - how strange, I'd far rather be wearing no knickers than crotchless ones for a smear test! I'm guessing wearing the latter would make you a far more memorable patient

I went to an Ann Summers party for deaf people once. I know all the sign language for clitoris and thongs and orgasm and sex and everything.

This has nothing to do with smears; I'm just boasting.

I always wear my bestest knickers and then hide them in my jeans pocket.
Totally normal smear behaviour.

I don't care if the nurse sees what I had for breakfast, she is not seeing my underwear.

Why do nurses always tell you to relax and that it won't hurt? Relaxing is impossible when someone is stuffing ice cold metal up you, and it bloody well does hurt actually. My nurse usually ends up chasing me up the bed until I am bolt upright. She must hate me.

To be fair, I had a smear last week that moved me to complement the nurse on her technique, it was so smoothly done.

I wish she would come to my surgery then. The nurse comes at you with a broom handle and a nasty grimace.

That ratchety noise hurts enough, never mind the rest.

I should have told her to get some business cards done

I am a practice nurse enjoying my coffee break inbetween patients and this has been the funniest thing I've read on mn. Certainly something to think about when I see the afternoons next 3 smear tests .........

I had my first smear 12 years ago but even then they were using plastic speculums. Where are all these places living in the dark ages and still using metal?

Tyler my nurse has the metal speculums lined up on a towel to warm gently over the radiator, which is a nice idea.

Unfortunately the radiator is never switched on. Before I had DS1 I had an unusually small fanny (apparently), so a cold speculum would make the whole experience delightful. Thankfully 2 children later, the nurse has to call the vet first to see if she can borrow his cow birther.

Socks off, skirt not trousers. Don't open your legs until asked.

A cow birther is definitely a real piece of vetinarary equipment by the way.

I had my last one at the fpc. And despite them needing a bigger speculum halfway through ( though they assured me it was because they were removing my coil at the same time and my cervix was high and my muscles protesting at the intrusion), they used a plastic speculum and a brush. Couldn't feel a thing.

lol at provinciall!!

SOH.

Yeah yeah, SOH, we believe you

A friend of mine has had her cervix removed 8 years ago but still gets invited for smear tests at regular intervals. Her last letter had a ps 'We appreciate you do not have a cervix at the current time but if the situation should change could you please let us know'

laughing at 2blessed story!

lostinwails- thats hilarious, growing back a cervix. hmmmmmmmmmmm

I got locked in the room with the nurse last time I had a smear. Talk about awkward silences...