to think there should be a written code telling you what you do if you go for a smear?

[2shoes]

Have to book one so got me thinking how bloody awkward they are, no matter how many time s I have had it done, I still am never sure what to do.
I am told to go behind the screen and take my clothes off...........
so you take your jeans and pants of, then what, stand there or hop on bed?
so you hop on bed and try not to fall asleep, what do you do with your legs.....

oh and the fave mn question, do you take your socks off??

the list goes on

I've never given birth vaginally, am pretty much the same down there as ever. They said it was the coil removal that necessitated a larger speculum.

Am genuinely quite hurt.

have PMed you Show.

If it's to mock my baggy vag, you can piss orf.

This thread has made me laugh when i am feeling like crap from a horrid cold.

I had my last smear on tues, wore a skirt and leggings took leggins off, hid knickers under leggings on the chair and waited to be asked to open legs. God i hate smears.

Oh and my gps use plastic things too.

I had one this morning and she had to go and get the bigger speculum because they're longer and apparently I have a very high cervix. Which is nice to know, if not actually something I will be telling people at parties. The new brush thing they use is a definite improvement though.

I have to have annual smears so am quite the authority from the patient viewpoint dontcha know.

Piccalilli, my practice nurse assures me that the larger ones are oft used for women who have a high/awkwardly positioned cervix. She pointed out that if you truly were in posession of one that flapped like a sail, you'd really not need extra speculum reinforcements at all. She's probably a drunk and/or a liar but I choose to believe her.

Aww, I genuinely feel quite bad now SOH, not bad enough to not snigger, but bad

Still, at least you didn't have the amazing case of thrush horror.

Jedward Lover.

[WorstInsultInTheWorldEmoticon]

OP, how hard do you have to try not to fall asleep when you're waiting on the bed for a smear, FFS?

I am a Jedward lover.
I've ordered a calendar for next year featuring the fantastical twins. I truly love them very much.

It must be difficult having a wizards sleeve high up cervix, I really do sympathise.

I was told in the middle of labour that I have a tiny pelvis, hard to fit a baby through.
Good time for that information

As I told SOH on PM the nurse must have used a Barbie speculum on her, hence the need to get a "bigger one"

SOH's downstairs is like a mouses ear.

And while I'm feeling uppity (and completely out of sync with the rest of the thread), who the hell's idea was it to call it a smear test in the first place?

When men go and have a swab from their urethra, is it called a stab-in-the-penis-with-a-cotton-bud test? I don't think so.

As you were.

I can assure you that if a lady has a baggy fanny then we may not need a speculum at all, let alone a larger one.

We just climb inside with a plank strapped to our backs.

I went for one once and the nurse said to me, "You're lucky, you should be having a medical student in to watch but I've decided to let you off!"

I gave her an icy stare and informed her that actually, it was up to me whether a medical student watched or not and I wouldn't have given my consent.

She then took my blood pressure and it was rather high so enquired if I was feeling stressed at the moment!!

Oh, I got a leaflet when I had mine in August - it even suggested wearing a skirt if your uncomfortable about stripping waist down (no mention of socks ) as you could keep it on.

do you know what I'd really like smear-givers (and coil inserters) to provide? a tissue. and a discretely placed bin. and an explicit direction, when it's time to get dressed, that if you feel a bit goo-ey you can use the tissue to un-goo yourself. I HATE it when they've been a bit "genourous" (?) with the jelly and you're a bit sticky. surely I'm not alone?

that question mark was not meant to indicate that I don't know how to spell generous, although you would be justified in concluding that I don't. It was querying whether generous was the right word...

SupposedToBeWorking Fri 05-Nov-10 16:24:20
OP, how hard do you have to try not to fall asleep when you're waiting on the bed for a smear, FFS?

lol, they always leave me far too much time to take jeans and pants off, so I get a bit bored waiting.
see that should be ion my list.

should I shout "ready" when I am ready lol

I had a smear once ,lay back waiting for the nurse to do the deed,looked up and there was another smiling woman with her.To this day I have no idea who she was!

Slightly off topic but related - my best mate at uni went to see the doctor who needed to do a breast exam. Bf takes off top, doctor turns round, gives a little start and (pointing) asks 'is that one always like that?'.

They were perfectly fine breasts. What a terrible thing to say to an eighteen year old girl

I went to have a coil put in recently and after the nurse had taken all my history she asked if I was the hatwoman who was in her daughter's class when we were 7 and used to come and play. I was and I thought oh please don't be the person who's going to prod around in my fanjo. that's just too weird. thankfully she wasn't.

Oh and another related ine, lying waiting for the trainee doc to come and observe/feel the fitting of my diaphragm, the nurse noted I hadn't had my annual flu jab, so while I'm lying back trying to relax at the thought of 2 strangers sticking their paws "up there" she jabbed me in the arm before I had time to protest!

Oh my word...flu jab and smear at the same time? Maybe there is a market for this kind of time saving medical treatment.

Whilst you're having your mammogram, someone is at your feet hacking corns off.

Or whilst you are in the CAT scanner, lying still, the doctor freezes your warts off.